# Go to your child's pre K graduation or your SO's Master's degree graduation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 4, 2025, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207 "2025-06-04T22:25:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/161 "2025-06-05T15:16:18Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Because four years is a very short period of time to go from having a baby with one woman, to leaving her for reasons that _don’t_ make you a giant raging asshole who abandoned his wife and kid, to emotionally dealing with whatever it was that made you need to leave that relationship, to starting to date again, to getting into a committed relationship, and to building it up to a level where it’s this serious. Nah. Maybe the woman didn’t want to be together after learning she was pregnant. Maybe she was cheating on the father. Maybe they just mutually decided they were better off living separate. There’s a host of reasons beyond “Monster jerk dad abandons his wife and child” for a non-traditional parenting situation. I get the impression that your views are a bit constrained by personal experiences by yourself or family and that’s probably not going to be unpacked in a thread about preschool graduations but plenty of people are able to balance children and adult relationships in a healthy manner. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/162 "2025-06-05T15:16:43Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Because four years is a very short period of time to go from having a baby with one woman, to leaving her for reasons that _don’t_ make you a giant raging asshole who abandoned his wife and kid, to emotionally dealing with whatever it was that made you need to leave that relationship, to starting to date again, to getting into a committed relationship, and to building it up to a level where it’s this serious. Is any of that in the story? Because I can think of plenty of different stories: 1. Mom died in childbirth, or shortly thereafter. 2. Mom was abusive to dad and dad left. 3. Mom was cheating on dad and dad left. 3b) Mom was cheating on dad and mom left. 4. One parent realized they were gay, and the relationship ended. 5. Other irreconcilable differences led to a mutual split. 6. Mom left because she couldn’t handle being a parent. 7. The pregnancy was unplanned and the parents were never together in the first place but are co-parenting in some way. > [@](#): > > That’s a LOT of fucking steps for you to be doing while your ex wife is changing diapers and rocking the baby back to sleep in the middle of the night. And I can think of plenty of different scenarios here: 1. Dad is the main parent. 2. Dad is the only parent. 3. Dad and mom are co-parenting, and this is the kid’s week with mom. 4. Dad and mom are co-parenting, and this is the kid’s week with dad. I’ve not seen any of these details–are they out there, or are we supposed to imagine them? If we’re supposed to imagine them, are we supposed to be open to alternatives, or are we supposed to get increasingly hyperbolic in our attachment to our own imagined situation? ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/163 "2025-06-05T15:17:15Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > And because it’s not just about hours in the day, but how you split your attention and emotional capacity. If you’re parenting right, and being present for your kid, you’re not going to have the emotional bandwidth to court, and to pursue a brand new relationship. There will definitely be some interesting conversations in that household when Kid #2 comes along… ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/164 "2025-06-05T15:18:54Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > If you’re parenting right, and being present for your kid, you’re not going to have the emotional bandwidth to court, and to pursue a brand new relationship. Some of us have an emotional bandwidth wider than the Planck length. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/165 "2025-06-05T15:21:14Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Is any of that in the story? It doesn’t matter. Babale’s story is _everybody’s_ story and you shall be cursed by strong and vigorous judgement should you deviate from it. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/166 "2025-06-05T15:23:45Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > A guy has to choose between going to his child’s Pre-K graduation or his girlfriend’s master’s graduation. I’d show up for my kid first. Adorable in their cap and gown, squirming with excitement, it took all of an hour for it to transpire. The time to show up for your kid is at the beginning of their life, don’t slip into easy excuses to miss milestones. The GF is a big girl who probably put herself thru school and doesn’t need her BF’s butt in a seat of an overcrowded auditorium to validate her worth. Join her later to celebrate. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/167 "2025-06-05T15:28:51Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Adorable in their cap and gown, squirming with excitement I guess there’s a million pre-K graduations so room for variation but all the pre-middle school events I’ve seen did not have caps and gowns. Even my kid’s middle school did not have caps and we were told that caps were reserved for high school graduation. They did get an ugly polyester gown though. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/168 "2025-06-05T15:30:06Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Maybe her kid’s plan was with _her_ significant other and _she_ got dumped and needed emotional support. Could be. Could be that the daughter was in emotional crisis and @Grrr intentionally misled us by leaving that key factor out. But as told the day out was weeks in planning, took some coordination, and the concern was just the child being home alone for the day after her plans got cancelled. If the story is leaving out key facts then the response might be different. But we have no reason to believe that @Grrr is lying by omission. _As told_ this sounds like a child who expects to be the sole center of her mother’s life and a mother who feeds that belief. The daughter may regret having that dynamic in a couple of years. As told this sounds like an unhealthy interdependency and a reasonable caution flag. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/169 "2025-06-05T15:31:47Z")
> [@chela](#): > > The time to show up for your kid is at the beginning of their life, don’t slip into easy excuses to miss milestones. What milestone? “Pre-K graduation” isn’t a milestone. Actually starting kindergarten is one, but the whole point of that milestone is that you’re not there for it. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/170 "2025-06-05T15:46:10Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Ceremonies derive their meaning and importance from the participants and attendees. If you don’t find a ceremony meaningful, you’re right; and if you find it terrifically meaningful, you’re also right. > > There’s no objective answer to this question. So much this. > [@DSeid](#): > > What I think would be wrong would be the preK program _creating_ this as a big milestone lifecycle event and even implicitly creating an expectation in the kids’ minds that parents _should_ be there. I agree that that’s a problem. But the school has the power to do it, and if they have, you, the parent, has to deal with it. > [@MrDibble](#): > > My response would depend on the particulars: am I a single parent to the kid? Or am I still with their other parent and the adult graduate is another member of our polycule? Or is the Master really a Mistress and I’m skipping preK grad on the sly to cheer my sidepiece? Or is it the divorced parent scenario most of y’all are going with? I was assuming the parent is now single. Divorced or widowed. If it’s a supportive polycule, and the masters graduation matters, I’d probably take the kid to that. If the SO is my sidepiece, I’m definitely going to my kid’s “graduation”. So those don’t feel like interesting conflicts. > [@Babale](#): > > Home alone because your parent has work to do is one thing. Home alone because your parent wants to get laid is a different matter. Home alone because you parent is doing adult stuff that was scheduled and was supposed to coordinate with your own schedule really ought to be okay with a healthy 16 year old. I’m with you regarding the 4 year old kid. At least, _ **I** _ barely had time for anything but work and childcare when our kids were that age, and neither did my husband. But by the time the kids are 16? We did lots of adult recreational stuff, and our kids were fine. > [@Saint\_Cad](#): > > Something not mentioned is it also depends on the child. I think I’ve been saying that consistently. These things were incredibly important to our daughter. Our son didn’t invite us to his masters degree graduation. He didn’t even tell us when or where it was. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/171 "2025-06-05T15:54:30Z")
One important factor is whether the child will have future graduation ceremonies. Are they going to graduate from Kindergarten? Skip the pre-K graduation. Is pre-K as far as the kid goes? You should probably attend. ---
**Author:** ![DemonTree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demontree/32/8646_2.png) [@DemonTree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DemonTree)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/172 "2025-06-05T16:02:31Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Home alone because your parent has work to do is one thing. Home alone because your parent wants to get laid is a different matter. What if the parents are still married and had planned a date night together? Do they have to cancel too if their 16 year old is going to be alone? ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/173 "2025-06-05T16:05:43Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Is pre-K as far as the kid goes? How much allowance did the kid save? I can’t carry them forever. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/174 "2025-06-05T16:08:17Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > But the school has the power to do it, and if they have, you, the parent, has to deal with it. Fortunately there is always a line of parents ahead of us who have felt as I feel and have informed the preK of individual family realities. There is usually some awareness extant. Our four kids were spread out over 16 years so we had a child four or under for a great many years from mid twenties to mid fourties. We still managed to go out together. We still managed to have individual lives beyond work, parenting, and even beyond each other. I also readily acknowledge my bias as the youngest of five who feels strongly that I _benefited_ from what I think of as “benign neglect.” The concept that our young kids will be scarred by our not making it to a preschool event is very foreign to me. Yes I get that some families are event and celebrations focused. Fine for them. My own experience is that I knew I was loved and valued in other ways than the celebrations and as a parents we _prioritized_ those other ways as well. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/175 "2025-06-05T16:12:05Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Pre-K graduation is pretty silly. Agreed. It’s a participation trophy > [@Dinsdale](#): > > Unless there was any question as to whether the kid would make it! Short of some developmental issue, which the parent would already be aware of, is it even possible to _not_ graduate pre-K at the end of the year? In a lot of places it’s private & optional as there is no school-district pre-K, which means there are no gov’t rules to passing. > [@Dinsdale](#): > > Actually, I’d look for pretty much any excuse to avoid ANY graduation ceremony. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. > [@Babale](#): > > I agree that if your kid is 4 years old, you probably have no business dating. You should be entirely too busy for that. This is an unfair statement to make w/o knowing of the custody arrangements & how many nights a parent is with/out their kid. > [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > > [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > > > But here’s the best part: Because I never went to my own graduations, I never have to go to anyone else’s. > > Here’s the thing though. This moment is not about you. It is about the other person. And if that other person thinks it is important you attend then you should probably go to the graduation and suck it up if the person is important to you and they would like it if you were there. You do it for them, not yourself. Not necessarily. In this case it may be because the principal/owner of the day care thinks they need to do it for PR reasons. HS & college graduations are the end to formal learning; a good place to have a ceremony. In this case, at best it’s the end to learning _in that particular building_ > [@Babale](#): > > Wow - so I left my previous partner a year after she gave birth to your kid in this hypothetical? What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe it wasn’t your partner to begin with; you do realize children are conceived from one night stands sometimes? Or maybe your partner left you. Or maybe it wasn’t great before the kid was conceived but one or both of you thought a kid would make it better, rather than add more stressors to an already difficult situation. Or maybe they’re unavailable to be in the house; either deceased or serving a long prison term. > [@Babale](#): > > And then, rather than focusing on taking care of my kid, I immediately decided to go out and find a new partner? What the actual fuck? Even if you have 50/50 custody you don’t have your kid ½ the time. At the other end of the spectrum, maybe the other parent moved away & while you can talk to the kid on the phone, you only get them a couple of weeks a year. You’re supposed to not have a life because you have a child 1000 miles away 40+ weeks / year? What about if your partner passed away? A child that age is probably in bed by 8pm. Plenty of time for an adult to go out for a date assuming they got a babysitter or the child is spending the night at grandparents/cousins. If your spouse passes away while you have an infant or a toddler you’re not allowed to go find a new partner until that child turns 18 yo? > [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > Or does the adult relationship stop and all effort is directed towards the kid? Think of all those _awful_ parents who have multiple children. Doesn’t that detract from effort focused on the first born? > [@Pleonast](#): > > I assume no one here is against birthday parties. ::Raises hand:: Everyone gets one, & only one, per year; doesn’t matter if you want it or not. If everyone gets one is it really all that special, especially if you’re sharing it with ≈ 19M other people. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/176 "2025-06-05T16:18:58Z")
Sure it is. Remember preK is 3-4 yo. Most likely it’s their first school experience. You’ve enrolled them, made sure they attended, monitored their progress, stuck it out the entire year, it’s a milestone for parents. Don’t be the cad that forsakes their kid in favor of your love life. Like I said, meet up with lover later. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/177 "2025-06-05T16:22:26Z")
Yep cap and gown. Private school tradition. Middle school graduation? Not a thing here but I’d go. Tbt I skipped my own masters graduation and that was before kids were on the scene. Overcrowded auditorium, hours and hours of waiting, no thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/178 "2025-06-05T16:28:51Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Anyway you were responding to the 16 year old being left home alone while mom went out scenario. No, I was responding to the topic of the thread. If you want my opinion on the scenario of dating with a 16 year old - perfectly fine so long as you aren’t neglecting your kid as a result, and as long as you aren’t bringing dates around your kid for them to form an emotional attachment with before it’s truly serious. And as long as your partner isn’t the sort to get butthurt if you have to cancel plans to take care of your kid. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/179 "2025-06-05T16:30:09Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > Agreed. It’s a participation trophy No it isn’t. It’s not a trophy at all. It’s a celebration with kids in which kids are the guests of honor. No need to be all gen-x about it. > [@chela](#): > > Don’t be the cad that forsakes their kid in favor of your love life. This is ridiculous. Not attending a single ceremony–one that may or may not have any meaning to the kid–isn’t “forsaking” the kid. I wonder whether I have some setting on my browser that turns everyone’s reasonable statements into absurd hyperbole. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2025, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207/180 "2025-06-05T16:31:50Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Most likely it’s their first school experience. You’ve enrolled them, made sure they attended, monitored their progress, stuck it out the entire year, it’s a milestone for parents. This will probably vary greatly depending on the family. For my kids, pre-K was essentially daycare and both had been in daycare from an early age. The school district doesn’t even provide preschool unless your child has an IEP and they need to start intervening early, otherwise you’re doing private if you want it. Finishing pre-K was nothing special. _Starting_ kindergarten where the kids are in a more formal environment and graded for their Permanent Record was a milestone but ending pre-K wasn’t. Heck, it’s possible/likely that the kids are IN some sort of daycare throughout the summer until they actually start kindergarten anyway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/go-to-your-childs-pre-k-graduation-or-your-sos-masters-degree-graduation/1019207.md?page=10)