# Goateed Dopers, help me tame my goatee, please.

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [July 6, 2011, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962 "2011-07-06T00:20:23Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 5\
**Page:** 1

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\
**Post date:** [July 6, 2011, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962/1 "2011-07-06T00:20:23Z")

</div>

OK, a little facial hair background. I’ve had a goatee for 25+ years but I’ve always kept it short (#2 or #3 clipper.) I’ve recently decided that I want an epic goatee; wizardly, down to my chest style. The problem is that I’d like to keep it semi-neat and presentable while I’m growing it out.  
The problem is that, despite, washing, conditioning, and combing, it looks like I’ve had small birds nesting on my face.  
Short of mustache waxing it every morning, is there any way to control it, or am I doomed to either keep it short or temporarily look like a transient? Are there any products or grooming tips you would suggest?

Thanks in advance - DESK

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\
**Post date:** [July 6, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962/2 "2011-07-06T06:12:33Z")

</div>

Sorry, but your goatee is evil. If TV has taught us anything, it is that [people with goatees are evil](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil_twin#The_goatee), and given that the presence or absence of one determines if a character is evil or not, the goatee itself is evil. As it grows in length, it get more evil and laughs at your attempts to tame it.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\
**Post date:** [July 6, 2011, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962/3 "2011-07-06T07:37:47Z")

</div>

besides it’s named after a goat, why would you want to put that on your face?

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\
**Post date:** [July 6, 2011, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962/4 "2011-07-06T09:31:25Z")

</div>

Use spiking glue.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\
**Post date:** [July 7, 2011, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goateed-dopers-help-me-tame-my-goatee-please/587962/5 "2011-07-07T20:59:40Z")

</div>

Back in the day, the punk rockers I knew used carpenters glue to keep their mohawk’s at attention. Or you can try hair wax first.