# God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 26, 2001, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842 "2001-09-26T02:08:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![blur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dbc845/32.png) [@blur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blur)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/21 "2001-09-26T09:42:49Z")
I had never been to The Onion before. I’ve seen it mentioned here a million times, but just never bothered to check it out. Holy shit, the thing is funny. It definatly is going to be a regular stop for me now. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/22 "2001-09-26T09:56:18Z")
quite possible the best possible tribute America could come up with at the moment. Aside fron the classic Onion parts ( “Horrific Attack on Pentagon: Page 14” ) the Jerry Bruckheimer Movie article and "God angrily Clarifies “No Killing Rule”, are some of the best articles I’ve read that deal with the events. Onion, you are a class apart. ---
**Author:** ![dave99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/45deac/32.png) [@dave99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dave99)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/23 "2001-09-26T10:28:09Z")
**RickJay** , the joke in the “Talking to your kids” part is that the description that they give is far too complex and detailed for a child to comprehend. Not that any of us can really comprehend… Anyway, a fine issue if the Onion. Good to have them back. ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/24 "2001-09-26T12:33:56Z")
I liked the cake story. _The Onion_ can be brutal and searingly cruel - actually I was a bit disappointed about the general tameness of this issue - but it also can be simply and truthfully sad. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/25 "2001-09-26T13:05:53Z")
Brilliant. Abso-freakin’-lutly brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/26 "2001-09-26T14:27:15Z")
I loved this part, it fits my opinions to a tee: > [@](#): > > So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/27 "2001-09-26T14:34:14Z")
Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on [http://www.theonion.com](http://www.theonion.com) ? ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/28 "2001-09-26T14:47:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TwistofFate \* > \*\*Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on > [http://www.theonion.com](http://www.theonion.com) ? \*\* Yeah, I am too. Now THAT is some amazingly minimalist satire. ---
**Author:** ![23skidoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/f04885/32.png) [@23skidoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/23skidoo)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/29 "2001-09-26T14:54:59Z")
IE wouldn’t let me see anything, but Netscape did. Weird. ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/30 "2001-09-26T15:34:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GOD in the 26SEP01 issue of the Onion \* > \*\*  “Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” \*\* This is my favorite line from the whole article. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/31 "2001-09-26T16:19:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ElwoodCuse \* > \*\*I don’t have the link handy, but there was a MPSIMS thread where we all made our own Onion-style headlines. Few if any people chastised us for being cruel. And now I must say this is the best Onion since the Election. Great job! \*\* QUOTE]\*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* \*\*I read the link that says the Onion is going to be hands off for at least this week. From that perspective, I think the most likely headline is going to be something like this: **Terrorists Shocked To Find Themselves In Hell** “This wasn’t in the brochure,” complained Khalid al Midhar. Al Midhar, a well known terrorist and _houri_ fan claims that bin Laden told him that Heaven would be his reward. “I certainly wasn’t expecting Eternal damnation”, said another terrorist who refused to give his name, “perhaps we should have read the Qur’an a bit more closely.” Bin Laden could not be reached for comment. \*\*[/QUOTE ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Creant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@Miss\_Creant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Creant)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/32 "2001-09-26T16:33:18Z")
here is the [link](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=87707) ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/33 "2001-09-26T17:09:45Z")
I thought it had just the right touch. Of the parts that haven’t yet been mentioned, I especially liked the bit down near the bottom of the front page where Bush Sr. apologizes to Dubya for funding bin Laden back in the 1980s (‘We called them ‘freedom fighters’ back then - I guess you really had to be there.’\*) \*[sub]Paraphrase; can’t get to the page right now. You think it’s getting a lot of hits today? ;)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![ThunderBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThunderBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThunderBunny)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/34 "2001-09-26T17:27:32Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Chef Troy_ > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by TwistofFate \* > > Is anyone else getting a completely blank page on > > [http://www.theonion.com](http://www.theonion.com) ? > > Yeah, I am too. > Now THAT is some amazingly minimalist satire. I always have that problem on Wednesdays. I’d guess that they’ve lately gotten to be so popular, that their servers can’t keep up with the requests, especially on days that they are released (Wednesdays). The tone of this one is definitely more subdued. I can’t blame them, and think it’s definitely in good taste. Though being in bad-taste has never stopped them before. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/35 "2001-09-26T17:32:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\*My favourite part of this week’s Onion was the “Talking to your kids” part. It’s a dead serious, quickie history-and-current-affairs lesson on what happened. Not a joke in it. Very classy. \*\* Umm…the whole piece was a joke…because it was far too complex for children to understand. I was cracking up. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/36 "2001-09-26T18:01:09Z")
It isn’t a Netscape vs. IE. It’s traffic. I couldn’t get it this AM, just had it pulled up, the LAN ad wanted me to install a patch, I had to reboot, and now I can’t finish reading it… ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/37 "2001-09-26T18:02:00Z")
I’m loving what I’ve managed to see of it so far but like some of you, I’m having a lot of trouble getting the pages to load. Still can’t get to the God, cake, or Talk to Your Kids articles. Glad to see someone else say it, though, because we’re also having network problems here at the office-- at least it’s not just me! Consequently I can’t get the page up right now to get an exact quote, but the Bruckheimer article got me. Paraphrasing, but I like the parts about how we’re all waiting for the credits to roll, and they won’t, and the action movie buffs saying how awful these things are in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/38 "2001-09-26T18:12:54Z")
I also got a blank page with IE, but was able to pull it up with Netscape. So far I like it, and I haven’t even clicked any links yet. “Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?” BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!!! ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/39 "2001-09-26T19:06:54Z")
I printed off the “God” article and have it hanging on my bulletin board here in my office. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2001, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842/40 "2001-09-26T22:15:18Z")
I about cried when I read the God, Bruckheimer, and cake articles. I wonder if any of my local bookstores sell The Onion in newspaper form. I want to keep this one. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule/83842.md?page=3)