# God Damn I hate my little sister **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 2, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793 "2012-12-02T22:39:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/21 "2012-12-03T04:42:10Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > I know exactly what I’m gonna do, and it ain’t _make up the spare room_. > I’ve learned the hard way that having toxic people in your life sucks - having them in your house is simply unacceptable. I don’t blame you. My Idiot Brother is nasty, arrogant, overly religious, lazy, rude and extemely convinced of his own incredible intelligence and competence despite his inability to accomplish the most basic of tasks such as leaving his parent’s home or finding a decent paying job. Your sister sounds very much like that. If you wouldn’t put with that kind of behavior from a stranger why would you put up with it from a relative? ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/22 "2012-12-03T07:30:15Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > I believe that very last part may qualify under your state’s elder abuse statute. From what you say, your sister is abusing _two_ elderly people: your father _and_ your mother. My mother is quite competent, she simply chooses to put up with this shit. It’s a co-dependent unhealthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/23 "2012-12-03T07:56:42Z")
My brother is three years older than me. He never moved out of my mother’s house, never had a job more serious than a paper route. When our mom got sick, I flew across the country on one day’s notice with just a suitcase. I waited for her to come out of surgery, handled all the follow-up care and medications, took her to every radiation and oncologist appointment, was in the exam room with her when the doctor said the tumor was getting bigger, cooked for her, found a nursing home, made the arrangements for her cremation and memorial service, and scattered her ashes. Guess who inherited the house? But you know what? He has my sympathy. (Well, some of it, anyway.) There was a thread here some time ago asking what it was like to have Asperger’s (or maybe even autism). I think someone described it as spending your whole life with a complete inability to understand social behaviors or interactions. That’s what I see in my brother. He does not seem to understand how to get along with people, or to even know if he should try. To the extent that I understand him at all, I don’t think he’s happy. **zoid** , do everything you can to make your parents’ lives better. Fight for their interests. Your sister is probably not like my brother, but when you get mad at her, ask yourself if you’d really want to trade places with her. ---
**Author:** ![kp\_72110](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e68b1a/32.png) [@kp\_72110](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kp_72110)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/24 "2012-12-03T08:38:50Z")
You could always move your parents in with you and tell her good luck finding a free place to live. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/25 "2012-12-03T08:46:34Z")
Organise a date for her with **LavenderBlue** ’s brother. They have a lot in common. Penis may not ensue but hilarity will when they each decide the other isn’t good enough for them. I feel for your situation, **zoid** , but I think the die was cast a long time ago. Your sister is basically in ‘survival mode’ - hence her indifference at alienating all her siblings. The only way you can really help your parents is by helping her first; and that’s really, really challenging when you feel the way you do about her. Consider that she’s doing the best she can do with the life experience she has. Try to not compare her with yourself, or the other siblings; it’s a pointless and exhausting exercise that only focusses on her negative aspects that, in turn, just fuels your anger. Realise that if nothing else, she is dogged and persistent. Since she’s controlling, give her the places to contact, the community help agencies, all that kind of shit to help her organise your father better (or whatever it is that would assist). You will seem more like an ally than an enemy to her, and things will eventually become less territorial and she’ll be less likely to shut you all out. Forget about concerning yourself with how your mother is handling it. For whatever reason, she created it, and continues to maintain it in a way that works for her. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/26 "2012-12-03T09:19:58Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > That’s a tough one. On the one hand, you’re absolutely right, but when a relative shows up at your door with a suitcase and a pillow what do you do? Depends on the relative, to be honest. Some I’d offer the living room couch and do what I could to get them on their feet. For others, I’d slam the door on their face. “But I’m kin!” is not sufficient reason for me to allow someone to suck dry me and mine. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/27 "2012-12-03T10:28:40Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > My mother is quite competent, she simply chooses to put up with this shit. It’s a co-dependent unhealthy relationship. In that case, especially if they’re withholding medicines that aren’t the type you “take as needed,” they’re both abusing your father. That’s IMHO. I’m neither a doctor nor a laywer and it’s just my WAG. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/28 "2012-12-03T11:42:41Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Listen. Your sister has some mental issues and there’s no use bitching about her incompetence at this point and expecting any change. . Yea I hate to be “that guy” in a thread but really, I can’t mention how many times I’ve seen this and people always just assume the never employed person is a lazy slob. It is like thinking a hoarder is too lazy to clean, there is obviously a larger issue. ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/29 "2012-12-03T14:48:59Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > Okay, you explain that gap to an employer. “I was married and was the stay-at-home spouse.” “I was caring for elderly-or-sick relative who has since passed away.” I’m sure there’s more, but I thought of those within 2 minutes. I don’t think it’ll be especially easy, but it seems one oughta be able to get an entry-level job with no experience regardless of previous work experience. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/30 "2012-12-03T15:00:31Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > Okay, you explain that gap to an employer. Why is the local Denny’s going to care? She’s going to be getting a crappy restaurant job, or working as a cashier at Target. People join the work force for the first time every day, this situation is not unheard of. What’s going to make her unemployable is not that she’s entering the work force for the first time at 40, what’s going to make her unemployable is that she’s not mentally capable of entering the work force. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/31 "2012-12-03T15:08:23Z")
I have a cousin-in-law like this. He’s now a young adult and shows every sign of never wanting to leave his parent’s home. No college education, no job (a month at a low end job before he couldn’t hack it). I wonder what it will be like when he is forty. Oh, and no one will be let in merely by showing up at the door with a pillow and a suitcase. There is exactly one person whom I love that much and he’s already living with me, and he’s not kin. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/32 "2012-12-03T15:17:38Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > She’s the youngest and Mom didn’t work so she would often keep her out of school because she was lonely :rolleyes: :eek: :rolleyes: indeed. ---
**Author:** ![orcenio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/orcenio/32/1036_2.png) [@orcenio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/orcenio)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/33 "2012-12-03T15:28:41Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > I hate to say this, but if she’s never held _any_ job and she’s almost forty, she’s pretty much unemployable. There’s no explaining a gap that size in one’s resume. Perhaps one could claim to have been a stay-at-home mother? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/34 "2012-12-03T16:16:51Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > “But I’m kin!” is not sufficient reason for me to allow someone to suck dry me and mine. Indeed, when you put it that way… :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/35 "2012-12-03T16:17:26Z")
I’ve dealt with a similar situation, though not at that age. Unfortunately, the only real fix is for your parents or sister to get fed up with the situation and do something to change it. The unemployable bit isn’t really that big of a deal. Sure, you can’t get an office job, but if you have no education and no experience, you wouldn’t be qualified for it anyway. Even with a large gap, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get a job in retail, restaurants, that sort of thing. That they don’t want to do that may only make the situation harder to get out of, but she did it to herself by having no work experience. IMO, you need to pressure your parents to stop enabling her. Even if she is helping to care for your father, between your mother and your other siblings, she doesn’t need to be there 24-7, she can at least get a part time job and start paying rent. And, yeah, when family shows up in need, you have to give them a place to stay, but they also have the obligation not to simply take advantage of family knowing that. Similarly, one has to be sure not to enable them and help them learn the lessons they need to. I will give a place to stay to family, but there will also be an understanding about the situation. If you’re on tough times but making an effort to get your life in order, that’s completely different from simply wallowing in self-pity and being unwilling to make an effort to improve your life. So in this case, she shouldn’t be welcome at your home, perhaps unless you two have a straightforward agreement about the terms of that arrangement and you are willing to stick to it. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/36 "2012-12-03T19:31:26Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > In that case, especially if they’re withholding medicines that aren’t the type you “take as needed,” they’re both abusing your father. That’s IMHO. I’m neither a doctor nor a laywer and it’s just my WAG. [That’s not a WAG, it IS elder abuse.](http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/ncearoot/Main_Site/FAQ/Basics/Types_Of_Abuse.aspx) I know this quite well. I too have quite a story to tell about my FIL who just passed away this June. But the abusers were my wife’s 3 older sisters and we were the only ones who upheld his wishes on his last days. I’ve considered pitting them here, but I realize that my OP would probably be one of the longest that the Dope has seen (or many many subsequent posts after the OP), but it may be worthy of few chapters in a biography of my FIL. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/37 "2012-12-03T19:34:41Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > Okay, you explain that gap to an employer. It depends on what kind of employer I’m speaking to. An entry level position for an unskilled job? “I have been a stay at home mom, but now the children are all big enough to care for themselves and I am eager to start working.” That 's just one. Once you’ve been through a couple jobs that you prefer not to place on your resume you come up with a dozen ways to fudge up your interview excuses. Don’t you folks got any hustle in you? ETA: I see Orcenio already gave the stay at home mom answer, so I will go with another one I like, “I had my own cookie-baking business that was very successful. My partner in that business moved away though, so I am looking for something different.” ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/38 "2012-12-03T19:39:29Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > She’s slowly alienating all of her 5 siblings and seems not to care in the slightest as long as she can continue to manipulate my mother and the situation in my mother’s home. _Slowly_ alienating? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/39 "2012-12-03T22:09:57Z")
It sounds to me like she is exactly what your Mother raised her to be. And in your Mother’s defence, this was exactly what was expected of girl children just two generations ago. They never held jobs and lived with their parents until (if) they married. In our generation it was not considered acceptable to do this to girls except in a few fundamentalist religious communities. These days, what your Mother did would be designated as abuse: Google “enmeshment.” > [@](#): > > - Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that\*\* it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her choices.\*\* \* Your Mother treated her daughter like a pet. She didn’t encourage independence and exploration, but rather leaned upon her to fill the void which should have been filled by adult friendships and interaction with her husband. IMHO your sister is very much to be pitied. That doesn’t mean she should be further enabled however. She will need help finding her way to adulthood when she is finally released by your Mother’s death. A group home for the mentally/emotionally challenged will probably be the right place to start when the time comes. There is very little chance of her getting any help before then. I do hope you’ll work on seeing your Mother’s role in this. Parents are responsible for setting the tone of their relationships with their children, and for encouraging independent thought and achievement. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793/40 "2012-12-03T22:29:37Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I do hope you’ll work on seeing your Mother’s role in this. Parents are responsible for setting the tone of their relationships with their children, and for encouraging independent thought and achievement. See post #14 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-damn-i-hate-my-little-sister/642793.md?page=3)