# God Daughter tells us to pipe down; and parents encourage her **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 26, 2012, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922 "2012-10-26T12:35:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/21 "2012-10-26T14:09:02Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Childless has nothing to do with trying to impose your own standards in someone else’s home. How am I imposing my standards on someone else’s home? I don’t like the tv on in the background, but I don’t insist my hosts turn it off if it is on. I suck it up if I enjoy visiting them, or don’t bother going again if I don’t. As far as childless, that was because I really don’t know how to entertain a four year old, nor do I particularly care, though my instinct is that television is not the only option. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/22 "2012-10-26T14:11:06Z")
The 4 yr old should have whacked the volume up a couple of notches and stared daggers at the ignorant adults waffling away about inconsequential shit. ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/23 "2012-10-26T14:17:07Z")
Hmm, really concerned and dissapointed with the amount of laid back parenting thoughts in this thread. Are people that afraid of hurting the child’s feelings? Are they trying to score brownie point so they can be the kid’s friend when they’re a teenager? This follows the same problem we see with ‘talking to’ your children rather than disciplining them properly. You can’t ‘talk’ to a four year old, in most cases you’re lucky if you can talk AT a four year old. When a child reaches up curiously to touch the stove, he scorches his hand. He then doesn’t do it again because of the pain he felt. You could tell him not to until you’re blue in the face, and he’ll only ever learn the hard way. This is extremely true at certain ages, and the terrible tots are definitely one of those ages. Children do not learn by example as much as people like to make out - so that they can pedal their goofy hippie parenting practices. The reality is they learn the most from direct punishment to disobedience. I’d first apologize to the people in the room, then I’d drag the child by their scruff over to the people, make them apologize then send them to their room (which does NOT have a TV, duh!?) and let them go without for some hours. Interestingly, children do recognize shame and embarrassment. If you really think they learn by example, then show them you are disappointed in them - make an example out of them and the situation. How could you find any other method reasonable? Will never understand how adults can think compromising with a child does anything but show weakness and undermines their authority. To do so would be negligent to the real issues. And I am happy to tell weak parents to their face that they don’t really love their children. ---
**Author:** ![inedible\_knapsack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/49beb7/32.png) [@inedible\_knapsack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inedible_knapsack)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/24 "2012-10-26T14:19:38Z")
I agree with **Nzinga** and **Loach** on this one. I wasn’t treated as a adult when I was a child, which conditioned me to try to act more mature in the hopes of being elevated to grown-up status early and getting to sit at the big table at holiday gatherings. Primarily, “acting more mature” meant not engaging in the behaviors befitting a spoiled brat, particularly when company was around. I also agree with **brainstall** about having a TV on in the background when there’s company present. I immediately turn off the TV when we have guests to indicate that they have my undivided attention. When my son is old enough to watch TV, he will be instructed to quietly play where we are gathered, or if he can’t be quiet enough, to go to his room and play. And if he interacts with our guests, he will be instructed to be polite, ask nothing of them, and to never, ever interrupt an adult, just as I was told when was a child. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/25 "2012-10-26T14:34:44Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > So now we’re going over on Sunday. I’m virtually certain this is going to happen again, and I’d like to tell her that no, we’re not going to pipe down, and we’d love to have her join our conversation, but if she’s opting out, too bad. However, since the parents have literally taught her to shush the adults, I’m not certain how to go about it. > > Opinions? If they showed her how to ask in a way they feel is polite, then obviously that’s how they want her to handle it and correcting her for asking is just going to piss them off. Also, talking to them privately to say you don’t like the fact that she asked is also probably not going to go over well, since they’ve chosen to parent this way. Absent abuse or neglect, getting overly involved in anyone else’s parenting decisions is probably not a battle you want to fight no matter how close you are to them. If you want to parent, parent your own kids. As for when she makes the request, you’re free to acquiesce or decline, but I’d do so politely as rudeness doesn’t excuse rudeness. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/26 "2012-10-26T14:34:59Z")
Some more background: The child is now a big sister (within the last month). She’s adapting very well, and hasn’t tried to twist her little sister’s head off yet. There are multiple televisions in the house, but she prefers to be around the action, and I’m uncomfortable telling her to leave the room in her own house. There’s a line I don’t want to cross in their own home. Since I’m not a parent, I don’t know that I feel comfortable “correcting” her, especially when the request is a polite one that has been approved by her parents. I disagree with the request and feel it’s inappropriate, but that’s not my call. If I were babysitting the child in my home, my rules would apply. But in their home, I feel that as a guest I don’t have that level of authority. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/27 "2012-10-26T14:36:04Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > The 4 yr old should have whacked the volume up a couple of notches and stared daggers at the ignorant adults waffling away about inconsequential shit. Totally happened. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/28 "2012-10-26T14:37:28Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > For all I know, the parents may only have one tv in order to monitor what their child is viewing, in which case, that 4 yr old’s tv time is very valuable and the OP really should pipe down, or if the conversation is that important, take it elsewhere. Who cares if that hour is the only hour of TV she will get that day? It won’t stunt her growth or traumatize her psyche if she misses her show one day. I feel like I’m in Bizarro World here - in what universe does a 4-year old’s leisure time activity take precedence over an adult’s? > [@even\_sven](#): > > Humor me for a moment and look at it from her perspective. The people she shares a house with have invited houseguests without any real input from her. SHE’S FOUR! She doesn’t get a perspective nor should she have that kind of input. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/29 "2012-10-26T14:42:04Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Totally happened. So, you was talking really important stuff that just had to be said there and then and without rude interruptions from an uppity child? In that case, I apologise for jumping the gun. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/30 "2012-10-26T14:44:44Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Who cares if that hour is the only hour of TV she will get that day? It won’t stunt her growth or traumatize her psyche if she misses her show one day. I feel like I’m in Bizarro World here - in what universe does a 4-year old’s leisure time activity take precedence over an adult’s? In what Bizarro World is an adult bugged enough by a polite request from a child that they need input from the general public? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/31 "2012-10-26T14:45:05Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > The 4 yr old should have whacked the volume up a couple of notches and stared daggers at the ignorant adults waffling away about inconsequential shit. I think you need to make it known up front if she is a playmate of yours. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/32 "2012-10-26T14:46:47Z")
> [@brainstall](#): > > How am I imposing my standards on someone else’s home? I don’t like the tv on in the background, but I don’t insist my hosts turn it off if it is on. I suck it up if I enjoy visiting them, or don’t bother going again if I don’t. As far as childless, that was because I really don’t know how to entertain a four year old, nor do I particularly care, though my instinct is that television is not the only option. Ok, sorry I misinterpreted your remarks. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/33 "2012-10-26T14:50:10Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > I think you need to make it known up front if she is a playmate of yours. Nope, never met the child. From the little I know about her though, she doesn’t seem like the kind of problem-child I’d be seeking advice about on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/34 "2012-10-26T14:54:16Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > So, you was talking really important stuff that just had to be said there and then and without rude interruptions from an uppity child? In that case, I apologise for jumping the gun. Nope, we were talking total inconsequentials with her parents, she gave her father and I the stink eye, a big sigh, and then leaned over and turned up the television. At which point her mother took the remote away from her and told her not to do it again. Here’s the chain of events: [ul] [li]Wife and I arrive for visit.[/li][li]Much fussing over god-daughter and new baby.[/li][li]Gifts presented to new daughter and big sister.[/li][li]Conversation (about 10 minutes).[/li][li]Child gradually opts out of conversation (TV is on and she’s one of those kids who get mezmerized).[/li][li]God daughter (GD) tries to turn up television. Mother tells her not to.[/li][li]GD gives us the stink eye, the big sigh, and tries again. Mother takes away remote and tells her she can watch her show later, as it’s now visiting time.[/li][li]GD pleads to have show back on, and promises to accept volume at former level. Mother agrees.[/li][li]GD tries to turn up volume again. Mother remonstrates.[/li][li]GD complains to mother quietly that our conversation is too loud. At this point she is told to ask us to quiet down.[/li][li]Father agrees that we should all quiet down.[/li][li]Conversation proceeds quietly and uncomfortably while GD watches TV.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/35 "2012-10-26T15:02:36Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > In what Bizarro World is an adult bugged enough by a polite request from a child that they need input from the general public? My point is that in no world should a 4-year old asking adults (and adult guests at that) to be quiet so they can watch TV ever be considered a polite request no matter how it’s phrased. A 4-year old doesn’t get to tell an adult _ever_ to be quiet. Even if there is a please and a thank you, it’s always going to be rude. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/36 "2012-10-26T15:02:44Z")
Ooh. An inter-parent dispute. I wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot pole, and there’s no good way for an outsider to address it. My sympathies. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/37 "2012-10-26T15:04:10Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > Nope, never met the child. From the little I know about her though, she doesn’t seem like the kind of problem-child I’d be seeking advice about on the internet. Wait, are you telling me to pipe down while you browse the Dope…? ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/38 "2012-10-26T15:08:43Z")
When you have your own child, you can choose how to deal with this situation. When it’s someone else’s child, and you are at their house, it’s for them to choose how they deal with it. If you don’t like it, don’t go there. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/39 "2012-10-26T15:11:39Z")
With the additional background, and more thought, the mother should really have managed the situation rather than encourage the 4 year old to ask guests to be quiet. What I want is for my son to communicate with me when he has a problem, knowing that I’m not going to tell him to piss off just because he’s not as old as me. Once I know the problem, I provide the mature take on an appropriate way to solve it, so that he can learn the right way to solve a problem himself. Such as, go watch on a different TV, go do a different activity, or perhaps, given the right confluence of events, asking the adults to change what they are doing. ---
**Author:** ![wheresmymind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@wheresmymind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wheresmymind)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/40 "2012-10-26T15:16:48Z")
When I came into this thread I was expecting to read about a 4 yo who literally used the phrase “pipe down in there!” on a group of adults, which would be hysterical. What’s next, her sitting on the porch yelling at squirrels to “get off my lawn?” Obviously she was just parroting something an 80-year old yelled to her and her playmates when they were making too much noise in the play room. However, I see that the truth is the child politely asked someone if they wouldn’t mind being quiet so she could enjoy her show. And the parents seemed to _encourage_ the child to politely make her request, instead of properly teaching her that she’s an inconsequential little shit whose wants are completely baseless in the face of adult conversation :rolleyes:. When I was her age, my request surely wouldn’t have been heeded, but then again I probably wouldn’t have asked so politely. I agree that the adults changing their behavior to suit the TV viewing habits of a toddler is somewhat backwards, but as far as problem children go “exceedingly polite spoiled brats” are pretty far down the list. As others have said, their house, their child, their rules. Honestly, when I visit a friends house who has a child, I consider the household hierarchy as: friends, child, guest (me). If I’m watching TV and Junior says he wants to watch Spongebob, well it’s his house more than mine, let him have it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922.md?page=3)