# God Daughter tells us to pipe down; and parents encourage her **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 26, 2012, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922 "2012-10-26T12:35:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/61 "2012-10-26T18:26:09Z")
What a load of crap - no one gets to have their tv show on loudly and shush the visitors when there are guests visiting, child or adult. If you aren’t interested in what’s going on in the main common area of your family house, go somewhere else and do something else that doesn’t bother the people who are visiting. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/62 "2012-10-26T18:42:42Z")
Children need to be guided, for sure. But part of learning to respect others is being treated with respect. I don’t think the child is automatically right or automatically wrong. But she has a right to make a polite request, even if it is eventually turned down. if I were in this situation, I would have offered her an alternative “No, honey, the grownups are talking and we need to be polite to our guests. But you are free to continue watching this in the family room.” She learns a lesson other than “No, your desires don’t matter” and everyone wins. In any case, there is no way to criticize another person’s child rearing in their home. Different parents have different systems, and parenting from the sidelines requires a lot fewer compromises than parenting in the trenches. Most kids manage to grow up without being completely nuts, so have some faith in your friends. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/63 "2012-10-26T18:50:01Z")
It’s their house, it’s their child and its their tv. If they are choosing to prioritize the daughters enjoyment of tv over conversation with y, that their decision. I think it’s crappy parenting, but them raising their daughter to be rude and spoiled is their deal, not yours. In your house, you can prioritize adult conversations over per school tv. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/64 "2012-10-26T19:00:26Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Nope, we were talking total inconsequentials with her parents, she gave her father and I the stink eye, a big sigh, and then leaned over and turned up the television. At which point her mother took the remote away from her and told her not to do it again. Here’s the chain of events: The real problem here is that she needs to learn being involved with other people while present. Since they have other TVs I’d have politely suggested (as a parent) that she goes to another room to watch her show. I assume that this took place in the best room for visitors. If she wants to stay, then she should turn the TV off and participate - and go and watch TV (asking to be excused) when she gets bored. She should learn this now so she doesn’t turn into the kind of person who texts while on a date. What you as a visitor can do is another story - not much, except maybe suggest you go to another room. And I can see the downside to that. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/65 "2012-10-26T19:03:39Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > I’d first apologize to the people in the room, then I’d drag the child by their scruff over to the people, make them apologize then send them to their room (which does NOT have a TV, duh!?) and let them go without for some hours. > > Interestingly, children do recognize shame and embarrassment. > If you really think they learn by example, then show them you are disappointed in them - make an example out of them and the situation. Then when you get old your kids will stuff you in a nursing home and never visit, and you’ll wonder why. You don’t have kids, do you? ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/66 "2012-10-26T19:06:48Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > There isn’t really a parental argument per se. The husband’s position seems to be cater to his daughter’s every whim. Example: We are having dinner (in their kitchen, since they took all the furniture out of their dining room as GD wanted it as a “play space”). He and I are sitting directly opposite each other talking. GD sticks her hand directly in front of his face and says “WIPE!”. He immediately apologizes to her (interrupting me mid-sentence), and gets up to get a wetnap to wiper her hands. WTF? And when she’s eight and asks for the master bedroom, what then? Good lord. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/67 "2012-10-26T19:11:11Z")
> [@PoorYorick](#): > > The OP reminds me of a great scene in a movie that I don’t remember the title of. A woman has let her daughter (around 8?) and friend each keep an item of her constume jewelry. Later, to her horror, the mother realizes that an heirloom was mistakenly with her costume jewelry, and this was the piece that her daughter’s friend kept. She goes to the daughter’s friend’s apartment and explains the situation to her parents. The daughter starts screaming, “No! It’s mine!” > > The father tries to console the daughter, “Now, honey, I know you’re disappointed . . .” and other such mush. > > After a few minutes of the father crooning and the daughter screaming “It’s mine!”, the mother finally mumbles, “Aren’t there any fucking adults around here?”, snatches the jewelry and leaves. That would be [Deceived](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101694/), starring Goldie Hawn. It wasn’t just a valuable necklace - it was the MacGuffin the entire movie revolved around. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/68 "2012-10-26T19:11:57Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > WTF? And when she’s eight and asks for the master bedroom, what then? > > Good lord. When the new baby was coming, they were renovating one of the bedrooms in anticipation (this had previously been goddaughter’s play room, which is now in the aforementioned dining room). Halfway through the renovations, goddaughter decided she wanted that room, instead of her room. Renovations were amended and begun again in the “new” baby room, at some expense. ---
**Author:** ![ashtayk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@ashtayk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ashtayk)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/69 "2012-10-26T19:16:26Z")
What I would love is to see all the posters qualify whether they have young children or not. I can tell you that after becoming a parent late in life, I could certainly see my views on parenting change dramatically. As a parent of a toddler, you have to pick your battles. For some TV watching is a big deal and for some parents it is not. With my 4 year old - TV time is strictly monitored - approximately 30 mins on a normal day. We give him a timer on a cell phone and he is supposed to put it off himself. It works wonderfully where he feels in control of the situation rather than us asking him to. Children are no different than adults, we all struggle with self control issues. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/70 "2012-10-26T20:59:30Z")
> [@ashtayk](#): > > What I would love is to see all the posters qualify whether they have young children or not. I can tell you that after becoming a parent late in life, I could certainly see my views on parenting change dramatically. I raised four. They would not have been allowed to tell an adult to be quiet so that they could watch TV, nor would they have been allowed to turn up the sound. They also didn’t choose what to watch, except for special children’s programming, like a Muppet special or the holiday stuff, like Frosty and Rudolph. When the grandkids visit and want to watch TV in the living room and the adults are talking, they can watch what they want but the sound has to be turned down. Shoot, they know all those shows by heart anyway – they don’t need sound at all. 🙂 If the adults want to watch something different, there’s no argument from the kids. When I visited my grandma, I knew not to talk when she was listening to her stories on the radio, and I knew not to interrupt when adults were talking. Damn. There have to be **some** privileges attached to adulthood. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/71 "2012-10-26T21:26:35Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > \Damn. There have to be **some** privileges attached to adulthood. Not any more. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/72 "2012-10-26T21:31:00Z")
I would simply leave once that shit started happening, and if they asked, state that I came over to visit with them and it isn’t very pleasant when I’m constantly being told to be quiet, regardless of who says it. But they’re welcome to come over to my place on the understanding that I will not be hushed in my own house. ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/73 "2012-10-26T22:50:28Z")
- I think it’s fine for adults and children to not be forced to interact in the same space, if additional space in the home is available - If guests come over, you entertain the guests in the rooms for that purpose (kitchen/living room/family room). Conversation/other activities with guests is given priority over other things - If someone else wants to watch TV rather than join in the conversation (and believe me, kid, I’v been there, I get it–adults are f\*\*\*ing boring!) then that someone should go to another room to do so - In your situation, after all of that went down, I would have then said, “Actually, if she wants to watch TV in here, why don’t we all just go into the [kitchen/living room/etc.] so we don’t bother her?” - If that doesn’t work, find more excuses not to come over and visit. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/74 "2012-10-26T23:10:32Z")
You can still be respectful towards a child without granting them all the benefits of being an adult. My sister was once giving my niece violin instruction. My niece informed my sister she’d left her sheet music downstairs, and then asked if my sister–her grown-up aunt–would go down there and get it for her. Now, I might be tempted to send my sister on a similar errand if she was already heading downstairs or I was tied-up with something else. But otherwise, I would find this request to be inappropriate. I definitely find it inappropriate from a child, no matter what the circumstance (barring physical disability). I’m sure she worded it politely enough, but no, it was not her place to talk to her aunt that way. It was not respectful of the age differential. I’m looking at the situation with the 4-year-old in the same way. Learning that grown-ups rule the world doesn’t scar you for life. And childhood offers many opportunities for empowerment. No need to make every single moment a lesson in assertiveness. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/75 "2012-10-26T23:22:42Z")
I think Id talk to the parents. I might say: “What is a good time for us to visit, so that we wont bother your daughter?” Thats a little bit weaselly. Maybe more like: “I didnt like being shushed by GodDaughter last time. I hardly ever see you and want to be able to chat to you when I do. Would it be possible for her to watch TV after we leave/in another room/or for us to talk in another room?” Her parents are teaching her to negotiate directly with you, instead of going through them. So I think you can negotiate back with her, in a friendly way: “I can see you are watching TV, but I want to talk to your parents. How could we resolve this?” Maybe it is a little unfair of the parents to put the burden of speaking up on both her and you. It would be smoother for them to handle it themselves. It doesnt seem to me like she is an out of control brat, but on a day-to-day basis, she is the highest priority in her parents lives. People generally treat their babies that way, and it seems like these parents are having trouble transitioning out of that. The new baby will probably help, but they may be being extra careful around her so that she doesnt get jealous. If I didnt know them well, Id just shake my head, but if they were friends I would speak up when their distorted thinking was starting to affect me. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/76 "2012-10-27T00:19:49Z")
Frankly, I’m just impressed that we’ve made it 75 posts into this thread without some moron using the term “precious snowflake”. Bonus points all around. The parents could have handled this differently/better, but it isn’t a gigantic deal. There might have been other factors at play, like the 4yo missing a nap, and the parents were trying to avoid a 30-minute meltdown that would have brought the visit to a screeching halt. It just wasn’t that huge of a gaffe. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/77 "2012-10-27T00:34:59Z")
These parents are having some serious power struggles with your goddaughter. These could be temporary and related to the new baby’s arrival, or they could have been going on for years. It sounds like they are trying to teach her to be polite, which is good. But based on the incident you relate, they aren’t using discipline effectively. This is not to say that the parents should be harsh, or that kids should be seen and not heard, or that kids are always wrong. I believe that children should be treated with respect and according to their level of development. Children are people; they should have a voice and feel empowered. HOWEVER, children need boundaries and they need to know that rules apply to them. The trick is finding the balance between all these ideals. Sometimes my kids (ages 6 and 3) are allowed to watch TV when we have guests. The context is important. Yesterday, we had a play date with my good friend and her two girls (ages 5 and 2). At 5 pm, my sons always watch Wild Kratts, and my friend’s daughters like that show, too. So at 5, I turned the TV on and my friend and I left the room so the kids could watch in peace. On another occasion, we had friends of ours and their daughter over for dinner. Our house has an open floor plan, so the living and dining areas are in one room. The kids were required to sit at the table during most of dinner, but as the adults lingered, we let the kids go into our bedroom to watch TV. This was a rare treat for them. A few months ago, I hosted a baby shower at my house. The place was filled with moms and little kids, but I would never have considered turning on the TV: too distracting and annoying while we were trying to have conversations. The kids played in the playroom or at their moms’ feet. In the situation the OP describes, I can imagine a few things working well. Ask the kid to watch TV in another room. Ask the kid to turn off the TV. Or, if it’s practical and appropriate, let the kid watch TV where she is and have the adults go to another room to talk. I don’t think that last plan is giving in to the child, because I have no desire to talk over a TV. What the parents did was the absolute wrong thing: ask the kid over and over to do something, then let her get away with disobeying, even going so far as to make another adult complicit in her disobedience. For the future, maybe suggest to the parents that you find it hard to talk in a room where the TV is on. Personally, I find it too distracting. If they absolutely MUST be carrying on an adult conversation in the room where their child is watching TV, I’d start inviting them to your house and hiding the remote. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/78 "2012-10-27T02:19:35Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Is there a reason you must have your conversation in the room with the TV? Is there another room where she can watch something? > > She’s 4, she’s not interested in your conversation and other than short periods at the beginning and end of your visit I doubt you really want her to participate in it so providing her with a space in which to enjoy the activities that distract her is not unreasonable. She shouldn’t be allowed to rule the world, but she also deserves consideration. Without being in the situation its hard to see what the solution could be but it’s definitely not black and white. > > A friend of mine has the best behaved kids I’ve ever seen (way better than mine were at that age) and her solution to socializing has been for the kids to greet us, we have kid conversation for a while and then they can then either play near us while we talk or go to their playroom if we’re too loud for them. They don’t get to be the rulers but they’re not the peasants underfoot either, they’re members of the family and treated as such. This. It allows the child to interact with adults, teaches basic manners, and doesn’t allow for the child to rule the world. Nicely stated. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/79 "2012-10-27T02:41:07Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > \ > [li]GD gives us the stink eye, the big sigh, and tries again. Mother takes away remote and tells her she can watch her show later, as it’s now visiting time.[/li] See, if it were me, when I took the remote away and declared it “visiting time,” I would’ve just shut the TV off and advised my son and/or daughter to go do something else and let them know that they could watch TV later. On the one hand, it’s great that the daughter asked nicely. On the other, if it’s visiting time, either the kid needs to accept that the TV can wait until later and go do something else or the adults need to relocate. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922/80 "2012-10-27T02:48:42Z")
Obviously the only solution at that point as a guest or as a parent is a hammer to the television and flamethrower to the 4 year old. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/god-daughter-tells-us-to-pipe-down-and-parents-encourage-her/638922.md?page=5)