# Goddammit holy shit a jalapeño burned my dick **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 17, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716 "2010-05-17T02:34:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/1 "2010-05-17T02:34:33Z")
It’s throbbing in the bad way now. Not in the good way. You fucker - you bastards don’t even hurt going in. I FORGOT ABOUT MY HANDS. The mother grabbing sons of bitches got me. All I did was take a leak and now my hogan looks like it went out and fucked that eeejjyyysss whatever fucking volcano in Iceland. I wish I was in Iceland I’d fuck Frosty or some snow or a fucking glacier or something. FUCK. It’s not as bad as that time I used Suave shampoo as lubrication and it shed its skin like a fucking snake but GODDAMN this is hurt. HATE. I gotta find something cool. Fucking pepper I hate you. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_C](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Captain\_C](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_C)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/2 "2010-05-17T02:36:42Z")
Calamine lotion and lots of it. Been there, done that. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/3 "2010-05-17T02:40:41Z")
Hubby suggests dishwashing liquid. Don’t ask how he knows. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/4 "2010-05-17T02:45:27Z")
Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list. Note to self. Please remember, do _not_ stick your dick in the… [ul] [li]Crazy[/li][li]Lawnmower[/li][li]Fan[/li][li]Blender[/li][li]Fax machine[/li][li]Officer’s face[/li][li]Steam engine[/li][li] **Jalapano pepper** [/li][/ul] I’m sure I’m missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/5 "2010-05-17T02:48:24Z")
Try some ghost pepper ice cream… ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/6 "2010-05-17T02:48:52Z")
> [@Mooch](#): > > It’s not as bad as that time I used Suave shampoo as lubrication and it shed its skin like a fucking snake Prell does the same thing. Do they still make Prell? This was in the 70’s. As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/7 "2010-05-17T02:48:58Z")
Jalapeño pepper: “I burning your dong!” ---
**Author:** ![Todderbob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@Todderbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Todderbob)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/8 "2010-05-17T02:50:07Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list. > > Note to self. Please remember, do _not_ stick your dick in the… > > [ul] > [li]Crazy[/li][li]Lawnmower[/li][li]Fan[/li][li]Blender[/li][li]Fax machine[/li][li]Officer’s face[/li][li]Steam engine[/li][li] **Jalapano pepper** [/li][/ul] > I’m sure I’m missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe. Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/9 "2010-05-17T02:52:06Z")
> [@Todderbob](#): > > Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list. No, it’s not. He’s only listing the _bad_ things. ETA: **BiffyTES** -Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/10 "2010-05-17T02:53:12Z")
I don’t know, but I’ve been told . . . That native Alaskan women have certain physical characteristics that could be beneficial to a man in your situation. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/11 "2010-05-17T02:55:13Z")
I’m wincing in pain at the thought of this, and I don’t even have a penis. ---
**Author:** ![Mooch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mooch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooch)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/12 "2010-05-17T02:57:59Z")
Dipping in cold whole milk. BRB ---
**Author:** ![flickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7bcc69/32.png) [@flickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickster)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/13 "2010-05-17T02:59:27Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin. This = immediate relief ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/14 "2010-05-17T03:00:23Z")
Best thread title and OP I’ve seen in a long time…And Biffy, you rock. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/15 "2010-05-17T03:01:20Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > Hubby suggests dishwashing liquid. Don’t ask how he knows. My husband also suggests this. When we were in high school, he had a job at the local pizza parlor, and one of his duties was chopping jalapenos for topping pizzas. He says, and I quote, “Don’t handle your pecker after handling peppers, unless you wash your hands well first.” In other pecker related safety tips, he says to tuck first, THEN zip. He says that he zipped before tucking ONCE, and that was enough. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/16 "2010-05-17T03:03:11Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Best thread title and OP I’ve seen in a long time Isn’t the thread title from an Emily Dickinson poem? ---
**Author:** ![Indyellen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/indyellen/32/4176_2.png) [@Indyellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indyellen)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/17 "2010-05-17T03:03:47Z")
I just **know** I’m going to regret this, but I can’t help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.) ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/18 "2010-05-17T03:04:15Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > Note to self. Please remember, do _not_ stick your dick in the… …mashed potatoes, if its THAT kind of party? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/19 "2010-05-17T03:05:29Z")
> [@](#): > > I wish I was in Iceland I’d fuck Frosty or some snow or a fucking glacier or something. FUCK. I’m sorry, I tried, but I can’t resist this. You need a date with the Snow Queen: w [ww.oglaf.com/snowbound/](http://ww.oglaf.com/snowbound/) Not Safe For Work! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716/20 "2010-05-17T03:08:22Z")
> [@Indyellen](#): > > I just **know** I’m going to regret this, but I can’t help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.) If a man chops jalapenos, and that man does not wash his hands thoroughly before urination, and the man holds his dick during urination, that man might find that his dick starts tingling. And burning. And BURNING!!!OMG BURNING!!! according to my husband. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/goddammit-holy-shit-a-jalapeno-burned-my-dick/539716.md?page=2)