# Going on vacation while my vacation partner has feelings for me, need advice **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2010, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988 "2010-04-05T05:08:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/21 "2010-04-06T17:58:32Z")
> [@Mnem](#): > > I will talk to the friend. I am upset that this friend did not make their feelings clear from the start. Am I wrong? When I suggested that depending on how the third party felt we might have to get separate rooms they seemed surprised because they had no concerns. Did this not seem like an opportune time to make their feelings known if they felt that spending time with alcohol is a concern? I feel that the friend should have approached this subject when we were planning the vacation instead of simply hiding it. I certainly do not, under any circumstances, want to share a bed with this person. I feel very uncomfortable. Two rooms might not be possible at all times, unfortunately. > > The friend knows that I have absolutely no interest as we have approached the subject long ago. Trip planning happened a year later so I thought the feelings were resolved. Yes, I was naive. The more I think about this, the more pissed off I am at your “friend” - who isn’t acting in a particularly friendly way, if you ask me. You’re not wrong, at all - your friend ought to have told you at the point at which you were planning the trip that this would be an issue for them. Waiting til it’s all planned and booked and then announcing “oh, by the way, I still want to have sex with you and I may be utterly unable to control myself, especially when we’re drinking - which is what we were planning to do, because this is a holiday.” is way, way out of line. Your friend ought to realise this, and ought to realise how uncomfortable it would make you. (And reasonably so, this is not you overreacting, this is your friend being an arsehole.) And, the people who are assuming that with three people in the room, no less-than-consensual touchy-feeliness may “accidentally” occur must have met much nicer people than I have. The friend has already flat out said they have no self-control, I don’t think I’d trust them to share sleeping space with - I have met too many people with wandering hands, obviously. At least this person has warned you before you’re in bed, that’s at least something. Can you share a bed with your other friend, the one who doesn’t want to have sex with you, instead? (Or, if the plan was to have all of you in one bed, I think your friend-who-has-huge-boundary-issues just forfeited the right to bedspace, and can sleep on the floor. If they have a problem with this, I would suggest they ought to have thought ahead a little and not put you in a crap situation like this…) ---
**Author:** ![Mnem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mnem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnem)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/22 "2010-04-06T23:44:41Z")
> [@nicole1912](#): > > Waiting til it’s all planned and booked and then announcing “oh, by the way, I still want to have sex with you and I may be utterly unable to control myself, especially when we’re drinking - which is what we were planning to do, because this is a holiday.” … > > Can you share a bed with your other friend, the one who doesn’t want to have sex with you, instead? (Or, if the plan was to have all of you in one bed, I think your friend-who-has-huge-boundary-issues just forfeited the right to bedspace, and can sleep on the floor. If they have a problem with this, I would suggest they ought to have thought ahead a little and not put you in a crap situation like this…) The vacay isn’t all booked yet thankfully. I most definitely can rearrange things or just go without this friend. To be fair, the drinking bit comment happened in a totally different conversation not about the trip but it really really made me rethink the fact that we were going on a trip and if this was a concern in the situation we were talking about it would be a concern on vacation. > [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > I must be old-fashioned, because the notion of sharing a bed like this with someone who has expressed interest in you is simply bizarre to me… if the person had really strong feelings for me and I knew it, I wouldn’t go on the same vacation. But that’s just me. I wouldn’t have done the bed switching regardless but we were thinking of being the same room. Obviously to be avoided knowing what I know now. Had I had the opportunity to plan the vacation right now knowing feelings were a concern I wouldn’t have invited this friend. At first I thought it would be easy to do, MikeG, but now it is just for consistency… ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/23 "2010-04-07T19:51:27Z")
> [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > I must be old-fashioned, because the notion of sharing a bed like this with someone who has expressed interest in you is simply bizarre to me. > > Consider that even if your friend agrees to your conditions, you aren’t doing any favors for your friend by putting him in that situation. This is a case where no matter what is ‘agreed to’ beforehand, I think you have a responsibility to consider your friend’s dilemma and just not put him in that situation. Sleep on the floor with a mat or air mattress. It won’t kill you. And do your changing in the washroom, don’t parade around half-dressed in the room with him, and wear reasonably modest clothes to bed (i.e. pyjamas). > > A situation like this calls for strong boundaries to be maintained at all times. Personally, I wouldn’t even stay in the same room, and if the person had really strong feelings for me and I knew it, I wouldn’t go on the same vacation. But that’s just me. This. This whole scenario seems so foreign to me that I couldn’t be more befuddled if you were asking if it was okay to sleep with his brother in front of him and try to not hurt his feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/24 "2010-04-07T20:07:25Z")
I would not go on vacation with this friend. Seriously. I feel like making a comment like that makes you lose your right to a vacation with me. I don’t trust you, how can I enjoy myself? Make him stay home entirely and enjoy yourself. ---
**Author:** ![misling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ab097/32.png) [@misling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misling)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/25 "2010-04-07T20:23:54Z")
Why not get a cot bed added to the room, and sleep on it instead of in the bed with your awkward “friend”? All hotels will do this. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/26 "2010-04-07T20:35:21Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Frankly, as a guy, I’m advising you to not share a bed with him ever, and probably you should suck up the costs and get a third hotel room everywhere. As a guy, I’m having trouble understanding why you would go on vacation with a woman you’re not going to have sex with, much less sleep in bed with a woman without having sex with her? ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/27 "2010-04-07T22:21:01Z")
Having been in the role of the (albeit undeclared) desirer I’ll have to say that, best case, he won’t much enjoy the trip (blue balls _hurt_ - and for a man who is really attracted to someone, blue balls don’t need any physical contact, just a friendly chat of some length) but it will be a bittersweet memory later. This as far as his side is concerned. (I assume that the other person is a straight male, and you a female). But, > [@Mnem](#): > > … Said friend has previously said that if there was alcohol involved things might get awkward for us. As in, he was afraid of doing something that might make things awkward. … looks like a red flag to me - very much like a preemptive excuse. A _gentleman_ who feared he wouldn’t behave when under the influence, simply would keep quiet and not drink alcohol. If you go through with the trip anyway, draw clear boundaries, don’t get drunk together, don’t share a bed (better: don’t share a room), and (out of consideration) give him ample privacy to institute the remedy recommended for blue balls. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/28 "2010-04-08T00:49:15Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > As a guy, I’m having trouble understanding why you would go on vacation with a woman you’re not going to have sex with, much less sleep in bed with a woman without having sex with her? Eh, I have female friends who are cool enough to go on trips with sans sex. Not everyone does, I recognize. =P ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/29 "2010-04-08T01:25:58Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > As a guy, I’m having trouble understanding why you would go on vacation with a woman you’re not going to have sex with, much less sleep in bed with a woman without having sex with her? Some people have this thing that’s called “friendship,” which means you enjoy someone’s company even though you don’t have sexual designs on them. Shocking! ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/30 "2010-04-08T02:28:36Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Some people have this thing that’s called “friendship,” which means you enjoy someone’s company even though you don’t have sexual designs on them. Shocking! Hell, I’ve gone on a trip with a female friend I had a thing for, and was able to act like an adult about it. The bed-sharing is a bit much, though. Seriously, that can’t end well. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/31 "2010-04-08T02:32:11Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Some people have this thing that’s called “friendship,” which means you enjoy someone’s company even though you don’t have sexual designs on them. Shocking! Go read the OP again. When that friend starts hinting about doing awkward shit under the influence of alcohol, that friend is obviously hoping that it happens. That way, later, it can be said “I TOLD you things would get crazy!” No. Just mentioning that to begin with reeks of creepy desperation. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/32 "2010-04-08T15:59:07Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Some people have this thing that’s called “friendship,” which means you enjoy someone’s company even though you don’t have sexual designs on them. Shocking! In bed with them while not having sex? That is a little shocking to me. ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/33 "2010-04-08T16:15:37Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > In bed with them while not having sex? That is a little shocking to me. Spinning off a little from the OP here, because I think I’ve been more than clear about how I feel about the OP’s “friend” (to sum up: don’t do it, don’t go on holiday with this person; even if nothing happens that’s ‘bad’, you’ll be on edge the whole time in case something’s going to go wrong…). But, **Fuzzy Dunlop** , you’ve never shared a bed with someone you’ve been in a platonic relationship with? Never, ever? I’ve shared beds with lots of my friends before (straight women and gay men, so really, no hidden subtexts here) - you’ve never done that, while travelling or anything? It never even occurred to me that people would find the concept odd - though the circumstances certainly are, since the OP’s friend sounds like they are just looking for an excuse to behave badly and blame it on the alcohol… ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/34 "2010-04-08T16:20:42Z")
People are different, indeed. I’ll confess quite frankly that I have never shared a bed with a person of the opposite sex who was not a family member and who I was not having sex with, and I flatly don’t see myself ever doing it. And I have found it odd, in the past, though now I have heard of so many people doing it that I don’t think it’s a big deal anymore. ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/35 "2010-04-08T16:25:38Z")
Oh, yes - sorry, I didn’t mean to imply there was anything wrong with never having shared a bed with someone you’re not having sex with, or anything - and rereading my post, it does maybe come across that way. It just surprised me - of all the things that shout at me in the OP, that was one that never occurred to me… It was more surprise at my blind spot, rather than anyone else’s different experiences! ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/36 "2010-04-08T16:59:30Z")
> [@nicole1912](#): > > But, **Fuzzy Dunlop** , you’ve never shared a bed with someone you’ve been in a platonic relationship with? Never, ever? I’ve shared beds with lots of my friends before (straight women and gay men, so really, no hidden subtexts here) - you’ve never done that, while travelling or anything? It never even occurred to me that people would find the concept odd - though the circumstances certainly are, since the OP’s friend sounds like they are just looking for an excuse to behave badly and blame it on the alcohol… No, I don`t actually remember sharing a bed with any non-family members. But to be clear, I was objecting to **even sven** ’s suggestion that sleeping with people without having sex with them was fun and some integral part of “friendship”, as he put it. It’s not that I find the very concept of sleeping in bed platonically entirely objectionable. For instance, if there was a travel mishap and we only had enough beds to share, I’d be happy to. I think planning a trip where you’ll share a bed with a woman you have no intention of having sex with is pretty strange. I was exaggerating when I suggested merely traveling with a woman without having sex was strange. ---
**Author:** ![bearman217](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@bearman217](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bearman217)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/37 "2010-04-08T17:10:48Z")
Okay, this same thing happened to me a couple of summers ago. My sister, her gay friend and I all went to Six Flags for a day while staying at a camp site overnight before and after. I knew that the friend was interested in me at the time, but being straight I had no interests in him. I had the same pre-trip anxieties with him coming along, but I decided to try to enjoy myself anyway. There was plenty of drinking the night before going to the park and he did try to make a move, but I just put my foot done and told him no. The matter was put behind us and we had a good time from there on. Just remember that the point of a vacation is to enjoy yourself, and make it clear to those that you are traveling with what your boundaries are. Typically people will respect your boundaries, especially if you are friends. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/38 "2010-04-08T21:20:15Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > In bed with them while not having sex? That is a little shocking to me. Yup. I’ve shared a bed with single friends, both male and female on different occasions, and I’ve shared a tent on many occasions too. Grown ups can sleep next to each other without the thought of hanky panky even being a fleeting thought that enters into the equation, and make plans thusly. Particularly with group trips on a crazy tight budget. The only time I had to switch from the bed to the floor was when I was sharing a bed with a girl in the _diviest_ hotel _ever_. I had to switch to the floor because the bed was so crappy, if either one of us moved at all, the whole bed would wobble and shake and it was keeping us both awake. So I volunteered to lie on the floor with my jacket as a blanket. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/39 "2010-04-08T21:29:38Z")
Make the third person sleep in the middle. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988/40 "2010-04-08T22:39:16Z")
> [@Mnem](#): > > To be fair, the drinking bit comment happened in a totally different conversation not about the trip[.] This kind of changes things. _Potentially_. Most of us are assuming that the conversation was something like this (voice of the interested friend): “Oh, and on the trip, if we’re drinking, and in the same bed, I won’t be able to control myself.” Whereas, I’m now getting the idea that the guy’s just saying what any guy might say to an ex that he was still interested in having sex with: “If I were drunk, I’d want you so bad right now.” The first example is alarming. The second example is just every day bullshit that should normally raise any alarms. Granted, I’m not privy to the content or the context of the actual conversations, and in a case like this, the missing context can be of vital importance. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/going-on-vacation-while-my-vacation-partner-has-feelings-for-me-need-advice/534988.md?page=3)