# Golf Jokes Needed!!! Emergency!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2002, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807 "2002-07-19T14:22:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mooney252](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7c8e57/32.png) [@Mooney252](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooney252)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/21 "2002-07-20T13:52:33Z")
Different version of epeepunk’s joke. Many of these are best told in 1st person: golfers have a hard time differentiating between fiction and golf stories: Max Carnage, Xerxes, ElwoodCuse and I were out playing golf when we got to #17 and everything slowed down. There was a woman and a man playing ahead of us, but they were extremely slow. Finally Max’s patience reaches a limit and he tees off into the two-some ahead of us. He hits the guy in the head and knocks him out. An ambulance comes and takes him away! As we get into the clubhouse, the golf course superintendent comes over and says to the four of us, “That was a blind golfer that you hit but I want you to know that he’s okay.” Immediately, I say, “That’s good to know! The next time he’s out here, pay for a round of golf – on me!” Xerxes pipes up right away, “It is good news. The next time they’re here, buy a round of drinks – on me!” Elwood too offers, “Yes: the next time they’re here, but them dinner – on me!” So the golf course manager turns to Max and says, “You’re the one who hit them, what do you have to say?” Quoth Max: “Screw him. Let him play at night!” – _Elwood – I loved the 1st priest joke!_ ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/22 "2002-07-20T15:20:52Z")
_One word has been altered in this story, because, uh, just because._ What phrase would you hear on the golf course that you wouldn’t hear in a bordello? “Bite, you corkstacker, bite!” ---
**Author:** ![WillGolfForFood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/82dd89/32.png) [@WillGolfForFood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillGolfForFood)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/23 "2002-07-20T19:34:28Z")
Tiger Woods was driving down the road one day when he saw what looked like the most beautiful golf course in the world. He had some spare time, so he decided to play it. He drove in and asked an attendant if he could play a quick round there. The attendant said “I’m sorry, sir, but this is a private course and you can’t play here. But there’s a nice public course just down the road a bit. In fact, you could reach it with a good three wood.” Tiger Woods replied - “I don’t think you understand - I’m Tiger Woods, the best golfer in the world”. “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t recognize you at first. **You** could reach it with a good seven iron.” ---
**Author:** ![WillGolfForFood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/82dd89/32.png) [@WillGolfForFood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WillGolfForFood)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/24 "2002-07-20T19:45:05Z")
(The first time I heard the above Tiger Woods joke, he wasn’t allowed to play because he was black. Given that most private clubs cheerfully turn down all non-members regarless of race, creed, or gender, I tidies it up a little.) ---
**Author:** ![Mooney252](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7c8e57/32.png) [@Mooney252](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mooney252)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/25 "2002-07-20T21:04:32Z")
Okay Max Carnage – we’ve done our job. Now can you tell us why you needed an emergency supply of golf jokes?? ---
**Author:** ![Fiddle\_Peghead](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddle_peghead/32/3506_2.png) [@Fiddle\_Peghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiddle_Peghead)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/26 "2002-07-21T06:06:56Z")
The scene: Two women, each trying to “one-up” the other on the disillusionment they feel to their boyfriends. Woman 1: My boyfriend is so boring, he takes great enjoyment in watching the paint dry. Can you imagine anyone more simplistic than that. Woman 2: Well, he could golf. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2002, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/27 "2002-07-21T07:05:37Z")
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar. They have a whirlwind romance and are married a week later. After the first night of their honeymoon in Hawaii, morning arrives. The man gets out of bed and starts getting dressed. He explains to his wife, “Honey, there’s something I didn’t tell you about myself. I’m a golf nut. I play golf so much that we won’t see much of each other.” The wife says, “That’s okay, there’s something about me I didn’t mention. I’m a hooker.” He says, “Well, all you have to do is stand like this, keep your head down, hold the club like so…” ---
**Author:** ![cmosdes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@cmosdes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmosdes)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2002, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807/28 "2002-07-21T18:06:26Z")
A woman is walking up to the second tee-box when she gets stung on the arm by a wasp! She is quite allergic, and runs over to the clubhouse looking for help. She runs in, saying, “Help! I’ve just been stung between the first and second hole!” The golf pro looks at her and says, “well, first of all, your stance is too wide…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/golf-jokes-needed-emergency/119807.md?page=1)