# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/282 "2013-08-08T04:10:29Z")
Another Soviet era joke: The teacher tells the students “Joseph Stalin is your father. And Russia is your mother!” Then she asks a kid “What do you want to be when you grow up?” The kid says “An orphan.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/283 "2013-08-08T04:37:18Z")
In a typical Soviet classroom, the teacher asks “Where is everyone always happy?” The kids go “In the Union!” “And where does everyone live in a nice apartment?” “In the Union!” “And where does everyone have nice clothes and shoes to wear?” “In the Union!” “And where does everyone get three square meals a day?” “In the Union!” At this point, little Vanya breaks down and starts crying. The teacher asks “What’s wrong, Vanya?” Vanya sobs and says “I want to live in the Union!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/284 "2013-08-08T04:44:47Z")
Old Man McCoy is out working the lower 40 when he catches his youngest son Jethro masturbating in a haystack. McCoy reckons it’s high time Jethro got hitched, now that he’s 14. So he hikes to the nearest town and arranges for the prettiest little 12-year-old there to become the lad’s bride. Imagine his shock a month later when he stumbles upon Jethro jerking off behind the barn. “Dagnabbit!” fumes the old man. “Here I thought all this nonsense would stop now that yer wed t’Ellie Sue!” “But Paw,” Jethro says plaintively. “Her li’l ole arm gits so tired!” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/285 "2013-08-08T12:58:41Z")
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/286 "2013-08-08T17:18:32Z")
A little boy is playing with is toy trains while his mom is working in the kitchen. Every now and then, he stops the train to take on passengers. “All you bastards wanna get in, get in! All you bastards wanna get off, get off!” His mother overhears and is shocked at the boy’s language. She drags him into the kitchen, washes his mouth out with soap, and makes him sit in the corner while she continues working. After an hour, she tells him he can go and play some more. He starts up his trains again and stops them after a few laps around the track. "All you bastards wanna get in, get in! All you bastards wanna get off, get off! Anybody got a complaint about the delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen! ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/287 "2013-08-08T19:05:11Z")
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?” The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?” One little boy raised his hand and said excitedly, “I know! I know! He said, Holy Shit! A talking pig!” ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/288 "2013-08-08T19:42:08Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Joe retires and builds his dream house on a mountain in West Virginia. He’s just settling in when there’s a loud knock at the door. He opens it to see a huge, unkempt man in a torn red plaid shirt, jeans with suspenders, beer belly and an enormous bushy beard. > > “The name’s Big Earl,” the man booms. “I live on the next hill over. I guess we’re neighbors now, huh?” > > “Hello, Big Earl,” Joe says. “Won’t you come in?” > > “No, thanks. Just wanted to invite you to my party on Saturday.” > > “Oh, uh… thanks. Sure, I’ll come.” > > “Great. Six o’clock; don’t be late.” Big Earl is about to go, then turns back and says, “You know, I guess I should warn ya… there’s usually a lot of weird drugs at my parties.” > > “That’s OK,” says Joe. “I’ve been known to partake.” > > Big Earl grunts. “I guess I should also warn you, there’s a lot of drinkin’ at my parties. I mean, a LOT of drinking.” > > “No problem.” > > Big Earl nods. “And, just so y’know… there’s a lot of wild, kinky sex at my parties.” > > Joe wonders what he’s agreed to, but says, “That’s OK, too. I’ll be there. But tell me, would you like me to bring anything? What should I wear?” > > Big Earl shrugs. “Won’t matter none. Just gonna be the two of us, anyway.” I’ve heard that joke set in the Yukon, with an extra step: Big Earl warns the guy that, after the drinking, there’s going to be some fighting, and the guy says he can hold his own. Then, after the fighting, comes the kinky sex. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/289 "2013-08-08T19:51:59Z")
That works, too. A Soviet newspaper boasted, “Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat-energy generation in just four microseconds!” ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2013, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/290 "2013-08-08T22:41:20Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > I heard this version: > > In Euro heaven, the cooks are French, the cars are German, the police are English, and and the women are Italian. > > In Euro hell, the cooks are English, the cars are French, the police are German, and the women are still Italian. I learned it this way: Heaven is an English house, Chinese food, a Japanese wife, and an American salary. Hell is a Japanese house, English food, an American wife, and a Chinese salary. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/291 "2013-08-09T01:53:53Z")
A Muscovite comes home one evening and turns on the TV. Channel One is showing Putin giving a speech. He switches to Channel Two. Putin is giving another speech. He switches to Channel Three. Putin is giving yet another speech. He switches to Channel Four. A KGB officer says “Do that one more time and you go to jail!” ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/292 "2013-08-09T14:11:13Z")
> [@cwthree](#): > > I learned it this way: > > Heaven is an English house, Chinese food, a Japanese wife, and an American salary. > > Hell is a Japanese house, English food, an American wife, and a Chinese salary. Somewhat similar is this, attributed (after his death) to the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V: > [@](#): > > I speak Spanish to God, Italian to Women, French to Men, and German to my Horse. ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/293 "2013-08-09T16:12:19Z")
The farmer discovers his 14-year old teenage soon whacking off behind the barn. “Son,” he says, “you’ve got to save it for when you get married.” The son looks up sheepishly and apologizes. Two weeks later the farmer again discovers the son whacking off behind the barn. “Son,” the farmer says, “What did I say to you about saving it?” The son said, “But I am, dad - nearly got a mayonnaise jar full.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/294 "2013-08-09T16:27:44Z")
British troops joked during WWII that the only problem with the Americans was that they were overpaid, oversexed and over here. The Yanks replied that the British were just upset because they were underpaid, undersexed and under Eisenhower. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/295 "2013-08-09T17:07:26Z")
Wow, I think some people are either forgetting the title of this thread is “Good Jokes you’ve heard **RECENTLY** ” or they’ve been in a cave somewhere. 🙂 A couple of one liners that I heard recently (and never heard before): You can tell a plumber and a chemist apart by how they pronounce the word UNIONIZED. “I’m Sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/296 "2013-08-09T17:23:08Z")
> [@Enright3](#): > > Wow, I think some people are either forgetting the title of this thread is “Good Jokes you’ve heard **RECENTLY** ” or they’ve been in a cave somewhere. 🙂 … Fair point. The old Eisenhower joke just popped into my head after reading the “Heaven is/Hell is” gags. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/297 "2013-08-09T18:56:47Z")
Here’s one I JUST HEARD TODAY so if it’s old forgive me: What’s the difference between the red and the blue thermometer used to check fevers? The taste! Here’s the explanation for folks who don’t get it and want a joke dissection: Red thermometers are oral, blue thermometers are rectal. If you can’t figure it out at this point why it’s funny, there’s no hope for you. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/298 "2013-08-09T20:04:50Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Two drunks are sitting at a bar. > > One drunk says “Oh, crap! Therssa fly in my drink!” > > His buddy leans over for a better look. “Isha ladybug,” he says. > > The first drunk peers closely at the insect. “Damn!” he says. “You got good eyesight!” 😃 What am I missing? ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/299 "2013-08-09T20:07:58Z")
> [@Lionne](#): > > What am I missing? One drunk is assuming that the other drunk is sexing the bug, not simply describing a species. ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/300 "2013-08-09T20:15:13Z")
A woman is walking to work when she comes across a parrot resting on an ornate stand outside of a pet shop. “Hey Lady!” the parrot calls out. She stops and says, “Yes?” “You’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!” In a huff the woman continues walking to work really aggravated. She was walking back from work later that evening when she came across the same parrot. “Hey Lady?” She looks at the parrot and replies, “Yes?” “You’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!” The lady goes into the pet store and complains to the manager. The manager assures her that the bird won’t say it again. The next morning the lady walks past the bird and the bird calls out, “Hey Lady” The woman stops and says, “Yeah?” Parrot says, “Well, you know!” ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/301 "2013-08-09T20:17:07Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > One drunk is assuming that the other drunk is sexing the bug, not simply describing a species. Ah. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=16)