# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/302 "2013-08-09T20:28:13Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Fair point. The old Eisenhower joke just popped into my head after reading the “Heaven is/Hell is” gags. …and I had never heard that one. So maybe I just need to shut up. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/303 "2013-08-09T20:56:33Z")
The other day I came up with a good generator for country songs: Integer + Unit of time or distance + Preposition + Community in Texas. For instance: 300 Miles To Sweetwater. 12 Hours From El Paso. 9 Inches Inside Paris. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/304 "2013-08-09T22:31:17Z")
> [@Lionne](#): > > Ah. nm ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/305 "2013-08-09T22:40:12Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Two drunks are sitting at a bar. > > One drunk says “Oh, crap! Therssa fly in my drink!” > > His buddy leans over for a better look. “Isha ladybug,” he says. > > The first drunk peers closely at the insect. “Damn!” he says. “You got good eyesight!” 😃 Better yet: An Englishman is in a French restaurant and notices that the Frenchman at the next table has not noticed that his bowl of soup has a large fly in it. So he leans over and in his best schoolboy French says “Pardon, m’sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage”. The Frenchman looks, says “Merci,” calls for the waiter, then adds “mais ce n’est pas \ mouche, c’est \\* mouche.” And the Englishman says… \*“mouche” in French is feminine without regard to the sex of the actual fly. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/306 "2013-08-09T23:09:17Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > sexing the bug Band name. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/307 "2013-08-10T01:30:19Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > …9 Inches Inside Paris. Hilton? ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/308 "2013-08-10T01:31:43Z")
This one isn’t new (I learned it in high school), but it’s stupid and silly enough to be funny. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay they’d be bagels. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/309 "2013-08-10T01:43:44Z")
You got the joke wrong! It’s what’s white and flies across the ocean? Lord Mountbatten’s tennis shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b782af/32.png) [@Why\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_Child)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/310 "2013-08-10T04:21:22Z")
A young woman, a virgin about to get married, decides to ask her mother about the secret to a long and happy marriage. She goes to the kitchen where her mother is making dinner and asks, “Mom, you and Dad have been married for so many years, and Dad always seems so happy! How do you do it?” The mother thinks a bit while she’s kneading the biscuit dough, then (pulling off a chunk of dough,) says, “Honey, watch this.” She throws the wad of dough on the kitchen floor, and hiking up her housedress a bit, proceeds to squat and pick up the dough - with no hands! She tells her daughter, “You learn that, and I promise, your husband will be as happy as your father, and he will never stray.” The daughter practices and practices. The wedding night, she asks her new husband to wait while she changes in the bathroom. Eagerly, he agrees. She throws open the bathroom door and struts into the bedroom. She cries, “Honey, watch this!” With a flourish, she pops open a tube of biscuit dough, and throws a wad on the floor. As she squats down to show off her new trick, she lets out a tremendous fart!! Her husband shouts, jumps off the bed, runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. Confused, she calls, “Honey, what’s the matter?!” He yells, “Shit, bitch!! If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna throw any meat at it!” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/311 "2013-08-10T05:33:12Z")
Barack Obama, David Cameron, and Vladimir Putin are flying to a international conference when a terrorist bomb explodes in their plane and forces them to land in the ocean. They’re the only three survivors and the plane is sinking. They look around quickly and only find one lifejacket. They decide as democratic leaders they should put the decision of who gets the lifejacket up to a quick vote. So they all write down their votes and put them into a bag. Then they pull the votes out and count them. Obama gets one vote, Cameron gets one vote, and Putin wins with the other six votes. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/312 "2013-08-10T05:42:53Z")
> [@KRC](#): > > You got the joke wrong! It’s what’s white and flies across the ocean? > > Lord Mountbatten’s tennis shoes. ??? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2013, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/313 "2013-08-10T07:19:28Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > ??? > **[Lord Mountbatten killed by IRA | August 27, 1979 | HISTORY](https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/mountbatten-killed-by-ira)** > > On August 27, 1979, Lord Louis Mountbatten is killed when Irish Republican Army (IRA) terrorists detonate a 50‑pound bomb hidden on his fishing vessel Shadow V. Mountbatten, a war hero, elder statesman, and second cousin of Queen Elizabeth II, was... Not at all funny, IMHO. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/314 "2013-08-11T02:03:57Z")
A North Korean judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” the judge says. “Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge. “I can’t - I just gave a guy ten years for it!” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2013, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/315 "2013-08-11T03:44:13Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > [Lord Mountbatten killed by IRA | August 27, 1979 | HISTORY](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/mountbatten-killed-by-ira) > > Not at all funny, IMHO. :mad: Then I guess you won’t like the joke I first heard on Sept. 12th, 2001: _“It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! No, it’s…holy shit, it IS a plane!!”_ ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/316 "2013-08-12T16:49:53Z")
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/317 "2013-08-13T22:31:00Z")
Just heard this one: “So this guy who suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere…” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/318 "2013-08-14T02:04:59Z")
It’s the early 1990s and the soon-to-fail Soviet coup. Three men sit in a jail in KGB headquarters at Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, “Because I criticized Gorbachev.” The first man responds, “But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Gorbachev!” They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail, too. He responds, “I’m Mikhail Gorbachev.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/319 "2013-08-14T03:35:27Z")
Brezhnev in his latter years is welcoming a foreign head of state to Moscow. He picks up his speech and says “My dear Mrs Thatcher…” An aide hisses “That’s not Thatcher, it’s Ghandi!” Brezhnev looks up and adjusts his glasses, then goes back to his speech. “My dear Mrs Thatcher…” “That’s not Thatcher, it’s Ghandi!” Another pause, another look. “My dear Mrs Thatcher…” “That’s not Thatcher, it’s Ghandi!” Brezhnev looks up one more time and taps his speech with his finger. “But here it says Thatcher!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/320 "2013-08-14T03:36:47Z")
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. ---
**Author:** ![Alba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea666f/32.png) [@Alba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alba)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/321 "2013-08-14T08:10:38Z")
The largest eggs in the world are laid by sharks. The largest woman in the world is laid by your dad. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=17)