# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/362 "2013-08-19T00:36:41Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > …Princess Kate and Queen Elizabeth go out for a drive in the country. They are set upon by bandits. > > …Kate blushes and says " You’re right, Queen Mother…" > [@vivalostwages](#): > > The Seven Dwarfs have an audience with the Pope… > > Dopey asks, “Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?” > > …Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?” > > …Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?”… Nitpicks: Kate’s husband and son are princes, but she is Duchess of Cambridge, and not a princess. Elizabeth II is just the Queen, not the Queen Mother. And the Pope’s honorific is “Your Holiness.” Now back to the jokes! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/363 "2013-08-19T03:23:37Z")
Four Southern belles are sitting on the verandah of one’s family mansion, sipping iced tea in the cool of the evening. The first one says “For my 21st birthday, my daddy gave me a stud ranch that’s famous for its thoroughbred racers.” Two of the other three murmur their approval while the fourth says “How very nice!” The second says “For my 21st birthday, my daddy gave me a cotton plantation that’s been in the family for over 150 years.” Two of the other three murmur their approval while the fourth says “How very nice!” The third says “For my 21st birthday, my daddy gave me a tobacco farm that’s completely subsidized by our wonderful federal government.” Two of the other three murmur their approval while the fourth says “How very nice!” The first three turn to the fourth. “What did your daddy give you for your 21st birthday?” asks one. The fourth belle says “Why, my daddy enrolled me in charm school for my 21st birthday.” The first three giggle girlishly. “And what all did you learn at this fancy charm school?” asks another. The fourth belle smiles sweetly and says “Well, they taught me to say ‘How very nice!’ instead of ‘Fuck you, bitch!’” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/364 "2013-08-19T14:48:29Z")
One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for excessive speed. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and couldn’t do it himself—if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment to the venue ahead of him and didn’t have anything to juggle. The patrolman said he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his act with the lit flares, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the rear door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk started crying and replied, “Just go on and take me to jail. There’s no way in the world that I can pass that test.” ---
**Author:** ![friendlessboob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@friendlessboob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friendlessboob)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/365 "2013-08-19T17:24:30Z")
> [@Duke\_of\_York](#): > > The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. > > A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time… > > My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. > > I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. > > I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. > > I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown. > > Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. > > My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. > > Paddy says "Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?” > > Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!” > > I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg!” > > I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. > > My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet. > > A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. > > I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening. > > The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. > > Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. > > Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. > > When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. > > What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing! > > Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. > > Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! > Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. You win! ---
**Author:** ![Foxy40](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Foxy40](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foxy40)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/366 "2013-08-19T18:32:10Z")
Very recently, as in heard today… " If you every google Gary Oldman, don’t forget the “R”. Worst experience of my life." ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/367 "2013-08-19T19:23:44Z")
Stalin’s ghost appears to Vladimir Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the shootings.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/368 "2013-08-19T19:59:58Z")
Late one night in New York City, a taxi stops to pick up a nun. As he’s driving her to her destination, the cabby can’t help noticing that under her habit, the nun is quite beautiful. She notices him checking her out in the rear view mirror and smiles. “Is there something you’d like to say, driver?” The cabby swallows hard and says “Well, Sister, I was raised a Catholic and I’ve always dreamed of making love to a beautiful nun.” The nun smiles again and says “Well, I happen to think you’re a very attractive man. Perhaps just this one time we should both give in to temptation.” The cabby can’t believe his luck. He pulls into a dark parking lot and goes around to the back seat. By the time he gets there, the nun has already hitched her skirt up, revealing the sweetest little bottom the cabby has ever seen. He pulls down his trousers and goes at it like there’s no tomorrow. After he’s finished and they’ve both made themselves decent again, the cabby goes back into the front seat and fires up the engine. As he pulls out onto the street, he actually feels a pang of guilt for having taken advantage of a woman of the cloth. The nun notices and says “Is there something else?” The cabby nods solemnly. “I have a confession to make, Sister. My name is Saleed, and I’m not really Catholic.” The nun leans forward and rests her arms on the seat. “That’s okay,” she says with a smile. “My name is Kevin, and I’m not really a nun.” ---
**Author:** ![Zyanthia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Zyanthia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyanthia)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/369 "2013-08-19T20:07:43Z")
Heard this from a co-worker today: A man walked into the doctor’s office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” The doctor looks at the guy and says, “Well, you’re not eating properly.” ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/370 "2013-08-19T22:58:48Z")
> [@friendlessboob](#): > > You win! There’s really no reason to quote an entire 20+ paragraph post just to add two words on the end. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2013, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/371 "2013-08-19T23:01:42Z")
[quote=“Gary “Wombat” Robson, post:370, topic:643949”] There’s really no reason to quote an entire 20+ paragraph post just to add two words on the end. [/QUOTE] Maybe that was his idea of a joke. ianaw (i am not a wombat) ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/372 "2013-08-20T00:49:03Z")
My favorite Jewish joke. Wife to husband, “Hymie, what is my love worth to you?” Hymie, after a short pause.“Am I buying or selling?” ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/373 "2013-08-20T00:53:13Z")
Subject: Who is Jack Schitt? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/374 "2013-08-20T02:16:05Z")
“I’m pink; therefore, I’m Spam!” —_René des à la Carte_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/375 "2013-08-20T02:20:18Z")
A Catholic priest and a rabbi go duck hunting together. After spending ten miserable hours huddling in a cold, wet duck blind, they still haven’t bagged a single bird. “This is boring,” says the priest. “We should’ve brought along some choir boys to screw.” “Out of what?” asks the rabbi. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/376 "2013-08-20T02:21:55Z")
What’s a JAP’s favorite wine? “I wanna go to MiAAAAAAAAAAmi!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/377 "2013-08-20T13:17:02Z")
The Rabbi’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. The years passed. After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi’s additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.’ Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’ The entire congregation said, 'Amen! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/378 "2013-08-20T17:34:36Z")
Vanya the Muscovite regularly blows his entire monthly pay on vodka and cigarettes, staggers home at night, beats his common-law wife Valyusha, and passes out on the sofa. One day, he wakes up and realizes he’s out of vodka, so he goes to raid Valyusha’s purse. Imagine his surprise when he finds it contains 100 rubles! He confronts Valyusha and demands to know where she got all that money. “I had to get cash from somewhere,” she says, “so I started selling myself on the streets last week.” Vanya snorts derisively. “Nobody in their right mind would pay more than ten kopeks to diddle you!” Valyusha shoots back “That’s what they all paid!” ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/379 "2013-08-20T17:50:44Z")
My wife asked me, if I could have anything I wanted for my birthday, what would it be? “Hmm,” I said. “Probably something that’ll go 0 to 225 in about three seconds.” This morning she bought me a new set of bathroom scales. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2013, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/380 "2013-08-20T17:53:31Z")
Late at night, a Highway Patrolman pulls a car over for speeding. He approaches the driver and sees it’s a gorgeous blonde, drunk as a skunk. The blonde looks up pitifully and says “Are you gonna ticket me, officer?” The patrolman grins. “Well now,” he says, starting to unzip his trousers. “That all depends…” The blonde groans and says “Oh, no! Not another Breathalyzer test!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/381 "2013-08-21T13:41:09Z")
It’s Stalinist Russia. Two policemen are standing on a streetcorner in Moscow fifteen minutes before midnight. A civilian runs by and one of the policemen shoots him. “What’d you do that for?” the other cop protests. “He had another fifteen minutes to get home before curfew.” The first cop shrugs. “I know where he lives. He never would’ve made it.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=20)