# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 27
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/522 "2013-09-09T14:53:47Z")
A middle-aged guy goes to his local clinic and asks to see a doctor. He’s told to go into the first available examination room and strip, and a doctor will be with him shortly. Imagine the doctor’s surprise when he walks in and finds the guy completely naked and sporting a bright purple dick. “Hmmmmmmmmm,” goes the doc. “I must say, I’ve never seen anything quite like that!” “I know, I know,” says the guy. “I was kind of hoping it would go away, but it seems to be getting worse.” “Well,” says the doc, “are you married?” “Sure am.” “Okay… Do you ever practice extramarital sex?” “Nope. I’m 100% faithful to my wife.” “I see. Do you and your spouse engage in any unusual sexual activities?” “No, not really. A little anal now and then, that’s all.” “Uh-huh. Do you use condoms?” “No, not really.” “Well, that isn’t necessarily a problem. Do you use lubricants?” “Oh, just a little jelly from time to time.” “I see. What kind of jelly?” “Grape.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/523 "2013-09-09T15:00:27Z")
In a marriage ceremony: - Do you agree to take this woman as your wife? - No - What about this one then? ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/524 "2013-09-09T15:03:12Z")
Q: What time will Sean Connery be arriving at Wimbledon? A: Tennish. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/525 "2013-09-09T15:10:05Z")
What do you do with a Thalidomide dog? Take him “draggies.” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/526 "2013-09-09T15:22:18Z")
> [@EmilyG](#): > > How do you console someone with bad grammar skills? There, their, they’re. I think this qualifies as the quintessinal SDMB joke. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/527 "2013-09-09T17:03:30Z")
What two words can clear out a men’s room instantly? Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice dick! ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/528 "2013-09-09T17:08:47Z")
Originally Posted by silenus There isn’t a single hanging fixture in the entire house. Even then, so what? Climb the step stool, unscrew bulb, place in pocket, take replacement bulb out of mouth and replace. All force applied to the fixture is rotary to the socket. Who needs two hands to do that? > [@NoClueBoy](#): > > An Ohio State graduate. Yeah, but to be fair, they got 4 credits for it. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/529 "2013-09-09T17:41:24Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/530 "2013-09-09T19:14:04Z")
A man comes home drunk and staggers upstairs with a sheep under his arm. His wife sits up in bed and shrieks “Now what in the hell have you’ve got there?”. “This,” he says with drunken dignity, “is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” “\*I think you’ll find \*that’s a sheep!” she retorts. “\*I think you’ll find \*I wasn’t talking to you,” he answers. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/531 "2013-09-09T19:50:35Z")
See post 507… word for word even. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/532 "2013-09-09T20:02:46Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > See post 507… word for word even. Thanks Spud, I was going to say that too. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/533 "2013-09-09T20:07:38Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > See post 507… word for word even. Well, you can’t deny it was a joke “heard recently”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/534 "2013-09-09T20:27:18Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > See post 507… word for word even. Some of the italics are different. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/535 "2013-09-09T20:30:43Z")
Yeah, it’s all in HOW you tell it. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/536 "2013-09-09T20:38:58Z")
Rastus and Eliza are standing at the train station when Eliza cries out in alarm, “Rastus! Get back from the edge of the platform, before a train comes along and sucks you right off!” And Rastus yells: [pelvic thrust] “Come ooooon, train!!” [/pelvic thrust] ---
**Author:** ![Stealth\_Bragg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4bbf92/32.png) [@Stealth\_Bragg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stealth_Bragg)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/537 "2013-09-10T12:00:37Z")
Q: Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine? A: Because Chernobyl fall out. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/538 "2013-09-10T13:24:33Z")
Husband says to wife: “I TOLD you hat women can’t shut their mounths, and this article proves it! Woman speak an average of twice as many words as men do every single day.” Wife replies, “If that’s true, it’s only because men don’t listen to us and we have to repeat ourselves.” Husband says, “What?” ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/539 "2013-09-10T15:04:38Z")
Harvard Medical School just released a report based on a 5-year study of domestic violence. Do you know what they found is the #1 cause of child abuse? **THEY DON’T FUCKING** \*\* LISTEN\*\*!!! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/540 "2013-09-10T19:42:44Z")
A nice young man approaches a rabbi in the New York Subway and asks if he has the time. Imagine his shock when the rabbi tells him in no uncertain terms to push off. “Why?” asks the guy. “All I want to know is the time!” “Sure, sure,” says the rabbi. “That’s how it starts! You ask me the time, I tell you the time. We get to talking. We hit it off. You look like a nice young man, so I invite you to come home with me for coffee. You meet my wife and my beautiful daughter. You end up staying for dinner. Then you ask my daughter out some evening. You start going out together, and you fall in love. A couple of months later, she’s pregnant. Then you, being a real _mensch_, decide to do the right thing and ask me for her hand in marriage. And let me tell you, Buster, there’s no way I’m gonna let my daughter marry some _shlep_ who can’t even afford a watch!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/541 "2013-09-10T19:58:29Z")
One fine Sunday morning, Harry hits the links with his buddies for a leisurely 18 holes. At the fourth tee, the game is interrupted when a golf cart pulls up and an irate woman in a bridal gown jumps out. “You bastard!” she screams, throwing her bouquet at Harry. “You goddamned friggin’ worthless sonuvabitch!” “What are you so pissed off about?” asks Harry. “I told you: Only if it rains!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=26) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=28)