# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 29
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/562 "2013-09-14T04:56:58Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Q: What do you get when you cross an atheist and a Jehovah’s Witness? > > A: Someone who goes around knocking on people’s doors for no reason. Then there was the dyslexic agnostic who suffered from insomnia. He would lay awake all night, wondering if there really was a Dog. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/563 "2013-09-14T05:01:07Z")
> [@bibliophage](#): > > What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop. BANG! Clip-clop, clip-clop?An Amish drive-by shooting What’s a favorite Amish pick-up line? “Saaaaay, that shapeless black dress certainly doth become thee!” What’s another favorite Amish pick-up line? “Dost thou come to these barn-raisings often?” What’s an Amish kegger? That’s when you chug buttermilk 'til you puke! How do Amish teenagers spend their summer evenings? Watching the horses and buggies cruise up and down Main Street. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/564 "2013-09-14T05:10:34Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > A Johnny Carson joke from the time of the Los Angeles Olympics: “Have you heard? China is sending its rifle team. The bad news is, there’s half a million members.” One afternoon, Ronald Reagan is working in the Oval Office when an aide comes rushing in. “Sir!” says the aide excitedly. “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, extraterrestrials have landed in Washington, right in front of the Capitol building.” “Oh, my God!” exclaims Reagan. “What’s the good news?” “They hate Russians and they pee oil!” ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/565 "2013-09-14T07:40:35Z")
Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals. Roy: Me too. I’m terrible. Jen: Just say you’re sorry and move on. Roy: I’m sorry for your loss. Move on. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/566 "2013-09-14T07:45:58Z")
Sorry I’m late with today’s joke, had a spot of bother this morning. I was minding my own business doing some shopping when this guy comes up to me and says “Oi, mate, do you want decking?”. I smacked him one at once, the cheeky twat, but it just shows that you can’t be too careful these days. Anyway, everything’s all right now. Although apparently I’m no longer welcome at the garden centre for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/567 "2013-09-14T08:35:08Z")
Here’s the second best drunken Irishman joke in the world: Every Friday night, an Irishman visits a Dublin pub and orders three beers, which he drinks simultaneously. The bartender, curious about this ritual, finally gets up the nerve to ask: “Excuse me, sir. I can’t help but notice that you come here every Friday night and order three beers, which you drink at the same time. Wouldn’t it be better if you order them one at a time, so the beer doesn’t go flat?” The Irishman replies, “Oh, you see, this is a special ritual. This second beer is for my brother Paddy, who left for America years ago to seek his fortune. This third beer is for my brother Seamus, who left for Australia years ago to seek his fortune. We made a pact that every Friday night, we would go to the pub and drink three beers all at once, until we finally meet again.” The bartender smiles to himself, touched by this special ritual. The next Friday, the Irishman visits the same pub, but this time orders only two beers. Somberly, the bartender draws the two beers, hands them to the man and says, “Here you go, my friend. On the house. And please, let me assure you that I’m sorry for your loss.” The Irishman, confused, says, “My loss? What on Earth are you talking about, sonny?” The bartender says, “Well, it’s just that you’ve always ordered three beers, one for yourself and two for your brothers, every Friday night. Since you’ve only ordered two beers tonight, I assumed that one of your brothers must have passed away.” The Irishman laughs and replies, “Oh no, my brothers are both fine. But my wife said I had to quit drinking!” And now, the best drunken Irishman joke in the world: A very drunk Irishman is sitting at the bar in a New York pub, when another man, who is very obviously homosexual, sits down next to him. The gay man drinks a few cocktails, then gets up the nerve to whisper in the drunk Irishman’s ear: “May I offer you a blow job?” The Irishman, enraged, leaps from his stool and beats the gay man severely, drags him to the door and tosses him out into the cold, then sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Wow, that guy really pissed you off. What did he say to you, anyway?” The drunken Irishman replies, “I don’t know…something about offering me a job.” ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/568 "2013-09-14T10:28:36Z")
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex? Fünf! ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/569 "2013-09-14T10:39:44Z")
Q: Why wasn’t the Baby Jesus born in New Jersey? A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men. Or a young virgin. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/570 "2013-09-14T13:37:29Z")
What do you need a degree in to become an Irish brain surgeon? Woodworking. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/571 "2013-09-14T13:38:31Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > Q: Why wasn’t the Baby Jesus born in New Jersey? > > A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men. Or a young virgin. I thought this was why they had to cancel the Italian Christmas pageant. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/572 "2013-09-14T13:39:38Z")
Hear about the gangster who was half Sicilian and half Polish? He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/573 "2013-09-14T14:08:59Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > Why is Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. 😃 This is fantastic. I can’t believe I never heard it. It will be understood by children just old enough to start counting and just old enough to understand a pun. Plus a pun across conceptual land masses. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/574 "2013-09-14T14:11:46Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex? > > Fünf! See comment above re conceptual landmasses. We’re talking Finnegans Wake with this joke. I like it. Almost no-fair, though, with this thread. I know one with a Yiddish/English pun, but out of respect for the audience have repressed myself. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/575 "2013-09-14T14:11:49Z")
> [@Leo\_Bloom](#): > > This is fantastic. I can’t believe I never heard it. It will be understood by children just old enough to start counting and just old enough to understand a pun. Can I eat Seven of Nine? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/576 "2013-09-14T14:13:09Z")
> [@Leo\_Bloom](#): > > I know one with a Yiddish/English pun, but out of respect for the audience have repressed myself. Oh, come on! Be free! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/577 "2013-09-14T14:22:25Z")
> [@Duke\_of\_York](#): > > My favorite Jewish joke. > > Wife to husband, “Hymie, what is my love worth to you?” > Hymie, after a short pause.“Am I buying or selling?” This, to me, is a great Jews-and-money joke, as opposed to jokes about being cheap (hello Scotland!). In the bag it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/578 "2013-09-14T14:51:06Z")
> [@crucible](#): > > First heard by me when Philip and Elizabeth were married, then, again. for Charles and Diana, etc. > > Probably was current, as well, when Edward the Confessor and Edith of Wessex were bonded, though I’d have to hear it in Anglo Saxon dialect to be sure. Edward the Confessor and Edith of Wessex were enjoying their wedding night. Edward: What do the peasants call this? Edith: “Fucking.” Edward: Much too good for them. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/579 "2013-09-14T15:13:34Z")
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi were talking about the afterlife, and, if they were peering down from heaven, what would be their fondest wishes that people would be saying looking at their body. Priest: That I led them with humility, was blessed to administer the living body of Christ, that I struggled with sin like all men, but through the Mercy of God I kept my vows. Minister: That I was a true Shepherd of Souls, a pastor who provided comfort and guidance at all times, and tried to bring about an engaged and living spiritual community. Rabbi: Look, he’s moving a little! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/580 "2013-09-14T15:32:08Z")
A man is stranded on a desert island for years. Imagine his delight one day when a world-famous supermodel washes ashore. “I was doing a photo shoot for _Sports Illustrated_, there was a big storm and our ship sank,” she explains. “Could I stay here with you?” Of course he agrees. Nature takes its course and soon they become lovers. Things go well for a month. Then one day the man asks the woman, “Could I ask you a a favor?” “Sure, what is it?” “It’s kind of weird, but… would you mind… uh, would you mind dressing in some of my clothes?” She looks at him oddly but agrees, and puts on a spare shirt and pants of his. “And… would you mind… hiding your hair under this hat?” Mystified, she does. “And do you think you could rub a little of this charcoal on your face, so it looked like you had a beard?” She does. “And… um, could you pretend to be a guy?” By now she’s wondering if he’s gone crazy. “Well… all right.” She slouches, scratches herself and says, in a much deeper voice, “So, how’s it going?” The man, relieved, says, “I’ve been dying to talk to another guy. You’ll never _believe_ who I’ve been fucking…!” ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2013, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/581 "2013-09-14T15:44:29Z")
Can February March? No, but April May. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=28) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=30)