# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 35
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2013, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/682 "2013-10-05T01:38:56Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test… I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2013, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/683 "2013-10-05T02:04:15Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > I don’t get it. I had to [Google it.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test) > [@Wikipedia](#): > > The **Bechdel test** ([/](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English)[ˈ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[b](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[ɛ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[k](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[d](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[əl](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English#Key)[/](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_English) [_ **BEK** -dəl_](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Pronunciation_respelling_key)) asks whether a work of [fiction](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiction) features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. This is sort of the joke version of a fractal. So the women are talking about something other than a man, and are specifically talking about a test that assesses whether a work of fiction portrays two women who talk about something other than a man. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2013, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/684 "2013-10-05T09:43:41Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Once, there was a redneck woman with 6 sons, all of whom she’d named “Billy.” > > A neighbor asked why she’d done that, and she answered, “Well, it’s very convenient. When it’s time to wake up in the morning, I just yell BILLY, TIME TO WAKE UP, and they all wake up. When it’s time for school, I just yell, BILLY, GET TO SCHOOL, and they all go to school. When it’s dinner time, I just yell BILLY, WASH UP AND COME TO THE TABLE, and they all come.” > > The neighbor nodded and said, “That does sound handy. But what if you just need to talk to ONE of them?” > > The Mom replied, “Oh, well then I just call them by their LAST names.” In the version I heard, she wasn’t a Redneck, and the boys were all named “Leroy.” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2013, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/685 "2013-10-05T09:48:20Z")
**NON-PC ALERT: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!** Why doesn’t Mexico have any Olympic athletes? Everyone who can run, jump, or swim is in the US. What’s black with two legs? A one-legged black man. What’s black with three legs? A piano. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2013, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/686 "2013-10-07T17:05:52Z")
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Patrick?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny William?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed and frustrated, she turns around again and drops the eraser. She bends over to pick it up and this time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “And just where do you think you are going young man?” she asks. “Well teacher, after what I just saw, my school days are over!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2013, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/687 "2013-10-07T17:19:34Z")
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! * * * Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/688 "2013-10-07T23:44:48Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > I had to [Google it.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test)This is sort of the joke version of a fractal. So the women are talking about something other than a man, and are specifically talking about a test that assesses whether a work of fiction portrays two women who talk about something other than a man. Ah, thanks! ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/689 "2013-10-08T00:03:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > … > > C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.” > … There’s also the full version of this joke, incomprehensible to all but music nerds: So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “you’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/690 "2013-10-08T00:55:49Z")
Along similar lines, there was a conductor who never could get the symphony to play together. The strings would always come in a half-measure early, or the timpani drum would be in 5/4 time instead of 4/4, or the flutist would miss her solo cue. It was of course the conductor’s fault: every time someone missed a cue, he’d wave his baton harder and more furiously. Finally he couldn’t take it any more. He brought a gun to rehearsal, and when the first violinist played too fast, he shot her dead. There was no question of guilt, so the trial was quick, and he was sentenced to the electric chair. His day came, and they sat him in the seat and threw the switch. Nothing happened. The executioner checked the electrodes, checked the wires. Everything was in order. He threw the switch again. Nothing happened; his prisoner just sat there grinning. One more try, after checking everything, but same result: nothing. The prisoner giggled. “All right, wise guy,” the executioner said. “What’s your secret?” The murderer shrugged. “Guess I’m just a bad conductor.” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/691 "2013-10-08T12:39:30Z")
That’s enough of that torture… A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, “Run, Run.” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run man, rrrun!” Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scot, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man’s embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He can’t run – he got four balls.” The Scottish man stood up and screamed, “Well then, walk, man… walk with prrride!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/692 "2013-10-08T13:00:57Z")
Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I’d like a martini. Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist? James Joyce: I’ll take a Guinness. Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday. James Joyce: (drinks) Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, “Olive or twist?” James Joyce: (drinks) Bartender: You see, it’s funny because he wrote a book called “Oliver Twist.” James Joyce: What a shitty joke. Ernest Hemingway: Gin. Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago. Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off. Franz Kafka: I’d like a mineral water. Bartender: Olive or twist? Franz Kafka: I can’t digest solid food. Mark Twain: Give me a brandy. Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini. Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha! Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn’t you? Virginia Woolf: I’ll take your second-best cognac and unadulterated experience. Bartender: We don’t have that. This is a bar. Virginia Woolf: Patriarchy! (drowns) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/693 "2013-10-08T13:03:04Z")
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mafioso and a deconstructionist? A: Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/694 "2013-10-08T13:30:55Z")
So did you hear about the atheist? One morning he saw a picture of the Big Bang on his toast. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/695 "2013-10-08T14:10:51Z")
A young man hears drumming in the distance. He asks his tribe leader, what the drumming means. “Mmmm. Yes. Drumming good,” the Chief replies. The drumming continues for a few hours, and the young man feels pretty relieved. Suddenly, the drumming stops. The young man panics, “Oh no, Chief! The drumming stopped! What does that mean?” “Hmm. Drumming stop: bad. Now, bass solo.” ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/696 "2013-10-08T21:14:46Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Drumming good Properly done, this joke takes about 5 minutes to tell 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/697 "2013-10-08T23:45:08Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Betcha can’t top this one:\* > > **Q:** What’s the difference between a gentleman of a certain Ethno-Religious persuasion and a Boy Scout? > > **A:** A Boy Scout comes home from camp! 😃 > \*Told to me by my teenaged daughter. :eek: I… don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/698 "2013-10-09T00:08:22Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A young man hears drumming in the distance. He asks his tribe leader, what the drumming means. > > “Mmmm. Yes. Drumming good,” the Chief replies. > > The drumming continues for a few hours, and the young man feels pretty relieved. > > Suddenly, the drumming stops. > > The young man panics, “Oh no, Chief! The drumming stopped! What does that mean?” > > “Hmm. Drumming stop: bad. Now, bass solo.” I’ve heard the same joke about a viola solo. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/699 "2013-10-09T00:13:33Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > I… don’t get it. Holocaust. ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/700 "2013-10-09T13:01:54Z")
Theory On Hell The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington undergrad chemistry mid-term exam: Question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then 2) the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. This student got the only A. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/701 "2013-10-09T13:31:34Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A young man hears drumming in the distance. He asks his tribe leader, what the drumming means. > > “Mmmm. Yes. Drumming good,” the Chief replies. > > The drumming continues for a few hours, and the young man feels pretty relieved. > > Suddenly, the drumming stops. > > The young man panics, “Oh no, Chief! The drumming stopped! What does that mean?” > > “Hmm. Drumming stop: bad. Now, bass solo.” Sorry, I don’t get this one either. Is it a shaggy dog story? Regards, Shodan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=34) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=36)