# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 36
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/702 "2013-10-09T13:43:00Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Sorry, I don’t get this one either. Is it a shaggy dog story? > > Regards, > Shodan It could be a shaggy dog story, but it would need to be longer, IMHO. The punchline indicates that, while the drummer is good, the bass player stinks. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/703 "2013-10-09T13:54:49Z")
“Pilot to tower. Plane out of gas. Am 50 miles out over ocean at 300 feet. Radio instructions—“. “Tower to Pilot, repeat after me: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven—‘” * * * A deaf woman entered a church with an ear trumpet. Soon after she seated herself, an usher tiptoed over and whispered, “ One toot and out you go.” * * * The little econonmics professor came home unexpectedly to find his wife in the arms of another man. Seizing the man’s umbrella he raised it high above his head with both hands and brought it down sharply over his knee. It snapped in two. “There!’ cried the little man, “I hope it rains!” ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/704 "2013-10-09T14:21:18Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Sorry, I don’t get this one either. Is it a shaggy dog story? > > Regards, > Shodan The idea is that the drumming conveyed some sort of message of deep import (and positive). Thus, when it stopped, it was bad news. As it turns out, it was just music, and the drum solo was enjoyable while the bass solo would suck. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/705 "2013-10-09T14:26:31Z")
OK, thanks. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/706 "2013-10-09T17:51:15Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > Theory On Hell > > The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington undergrad chemistry mid-term exam: Or [not](http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp), as the case may be. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/707 "2013-10-09T20:44:38Z")
Billy Bob gets Loretta out of bed at 5:00 am so she can go fishing with him and Bubba. “Aw, hell!” moans Loretta. “I don’t wanna go fishin’ at all!” “Now, lissen t’me, woman!” says Billy Bob. “You got a choice: you go fishin’ with us, or you either blow me or take me up yer butt! So you think about it while I go get Bubba, an’ lemme know what you decide when I get back!” Fifteen minutes later, the front door slams. “I’m back!” announces Billy Bob. “What’s it gonna be?” “Oh, hell!” says Loretta resignedly. “Come over here, I’ll blow ya!” Billy Bob unzips his pants and Loretta goes to work. “Ewwwwwwwwwwww!” she exclaims. “Yer dick tastes like shit!” “Yeah, I know,” says Billy Bob. “Bubba changed his mind and didn’t wanna go fishin’ either!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/708 "2013-10-09T21:07:31Z")
Ole and Lena are getting on in years. This suits Lena just fine, since she was never particularly interested in sex. Ole, on the other hand, is still frisky despite his years. One afternoon while Lena is busy in the kitchen rolling out the lefse, Ole comes up behind her and starts feeling her up. “Hey, darlin’!” he says. “How about a little oral fun right here by the sink?” Lena sighs resignedly, hitches up her skirts, and climbs up on the countertop. Ole wastes no time in disappearing under the folds and goes to work. About a minute goes by, and Lena realizes she has to pass gas. She lets out a long, silent one that stinks to high heaven. Ole seems not to notice. A minute later, she lets another one. Just a cute little pop, but it also reeks. Again, Ole carries on as if nothing has happened. After another minute, Lena fires off a third fart. This time, it’s a huge rip that fills the kitchen with its fumes. Ole, however, continues to eat away. By this time, Lena is feeling incredibly guilty. “Hey, Ole!” she says. “You okay down there?” “Yeah, sure!” says Ole from underneath her skirts. “Just keep that fresh air comin’!” ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2013, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/709 "2013-10-09T23:34:24Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > “Yeah, sure!” says Ole from underneath her skirts. “Just keep that fresh air comin’!” Made me LOL, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/710 "2013-10-10T06:25:39Z")
What do you get if you play New Age music backwards? New Age music. What do you get if you play Country/Western music backwards? You get your dog, your wife, and your pickup truck back. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/711 "2013-10-10T06:50:55Z")
A farmer is out walking his dog when he sees a stranger standing by one of his fences, gazing out over a meadow. “Hey, there!” the farmer calls. “Can I help you?” The stranger turns around. “Oh, hi! I used to live in these parts when I was a boy, and thought I might stop for a few minutes since I was in the area.” The farmer nods. “Brings back memories, don’t it?” “Sure does. This field over here? That’s where I had my first piece of ass!” “Do tell!” “Yeah, it was great. Been thirty years, and I remember it like it was yesterday! We were there … and her ma was right over there.” The farmer is surprised. “Her ma was there, twenty feet away?!?” “Yep, right there.” “Didn’t she _say_ anything?!?” “Sure did!” “What?!?” “_Bah-ah-ah-ah!_” ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/712 "2013-10-10T08:32:09Z")
Heard that joke in French, but I think it might also work in English : A sailor from Marseilles is fishing on the old docks with his son, passing the time, watching the ships roll in as it were. One of those huge, white luxury liners comes into view and the kid is awe stuck : “Dad, dad, have you seen the boat, dad ? Look at the boat, dad, isn’t it beautiful ?!” “No, son. When a boat is that big and that beautiful it’s not a boat. S’called a _yacht_.” “Woaaah… how do you spell it ?” “Y, O…hmm…H… You know what, son, you’re right. It’s just a boat”. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/713 "2013-10-10T08:55:50Z")
A boy and his dad are at the zoo. “Dad,” says the boy, “what’s on the ground under that funny-looking animal over there?” The boy’s dad looks and says “There’s nothing, son, under the gnu!”\* \*It was ages before I got the joke, too! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/714 "2013-10-10T09:21:36Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A boy and his dad are at the zoo. > > “Dad,” says the boy, “what’s on the ground under that funny-looking animal over there?” > > The boy’s dad looks and says “There’s nothing, son, under the gnu!”\* > > \*It was ages before I got the joke, too! :smack: Yoda tells a joke. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/715 "2013-10-10T09:30:55Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and a show. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet, we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned, so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. > > Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. > > “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her in the ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat, hairy ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard…she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.” > > The silence in the taxi was deafening… _ **A+** _ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/716 "2013-10-10T10:18:14Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A boy and his dad are at the zoo. > > “Dad,” says the boy, “what’s on the ground under that funny-looking animal over there?” > > The boy’s dad looks and says “There’s nothing, son, under the gnu!”\* > > \*It was ages before I got the joke, too! :smack: I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![deltasigma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e5b9ba/32.png) [@deltasigma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deltasigma)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/717 "2013-10-10T10:29:34Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > I don’t get it. nothing gnu under the son? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/718 "2013-10-10T10:36:16Z")
> [@deltasigma](#): > > nothing gnu under the son? Ecclesiastes 1:9. _Nihil sub sole novum._ ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/719 "2013-10-10T10:41:03Z")
Oooooh ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/720 "2013-10-10T13:46:50Z")
What is it with these guys? They sound like they’re watching a fireworks display! I tell ya Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the straps… A little white guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the little guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.” The little guy turns pale and faints dead away! The big guy picks him up the and brings him to, slapping his face lightly, and shaking him. He asks the little guy, “What’s wrong?” The little guy asks, “Excuse me, but what did you say?” The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The little guy says, "Oh, thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.” ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/721 "2013-10-10T14:24:51Z")
Racist humor is racist. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=35) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=37)