# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 37
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/722 "2013-10-10T14:30:29Z")
But funny is still funny. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/723 "2013-10-10T14:35:54Z")
> [@EmilyG](#): > > There’s also the full version of this joke, incomprehensible to all but music nerds: > > So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” > > So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. > > Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” > > Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. > > Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” > > E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “you’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. > > Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. > > The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. > > The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar. But not to worry…he’ll be Bach. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/724 "2013-10-10T14:41:36Z")
A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother. * * * A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/725 "2013-10-10T15:59:29Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > But funny is still funny. And often downright hilarious! ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/726 "2013-10-10T19:56:02Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > What is it with these guys? They sound like they’re watching a fireworks display! I tell ya Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the straps… > A little white guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the little guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.” > The little guy turns pale and faints dead away! > The big guy picks him up the and brings him to, slapping his face lightly, and shaking him. He asks the little guy, “What’s wrong?” > The little guy asks, “Excuse me, but what did you say?” > The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” > > The little guy says, "Oh, thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.” > [@silenus](#): > > But funny is still funny. > [@terentii](#): > > And often downright hilarious! My thoughts exactly! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/727 "2013-10-10T19:57:07Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother. > > * * * > > A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. > > Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. > > “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” > > “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” > > “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. > > “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. > > The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.” And this one gets the silver medal! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/728 "2013-10-11T09:23:53Z")
Billy Bob and Bubba are spending a lazy afternoon sitting out on the former’s front porch. “Guess whut? Now ol’ crazy Loretta wants t’keep pigs in th’ house!” “So? Why dontcha let her?” “Can’t stand the smell!” “Well, why not open th’ windows?” “Whut?!? An’ let th’ chickens out?!?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/729 "2013-10-11T12:04:37Z")
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . * * * Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. * * * A backward poet writes inverse. * * * No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. ---
**Author:** ![DrumBum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e79b87/32.png) [@DrumBum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrumBum)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/730 "2013-10-11T12:53:12Z")
From the “…walks into a bar…” thread Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.” The Helium doesn’t react. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve neutrinos in here.” The neutrino says “I was just passing through.” Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t. A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says “Higgs-bosons aren’t allowed in here.” The higgs-boson says “But without me, how can you have mass?” Well, I thought they were funny… ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/731 "2013-10-11T13:03:54Z")
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by an amazon whore than let liquor touch these lips!” The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s having.” ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/732 "2013-10-11T22:33:26Z")
## Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? he got a little behind in his work. which animal has more lives than a cat? A frog–because it croaks every night. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/733 "2013-10-11T22:57:44Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? > he got a little behind in his work. Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/734 "2013-10-11T23:01:34Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane propeller? > > Disaster. If a cat does that with such grace and aplom as to be awarded a momento by amazed onlookers, its a catastrophe. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2013, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/735 "2013-10-12T03:34:00Z")
A truck carrying thesauruses overturned. The bystanders were astonished, shocked, amazed… And then there was the time the ship carrying red paint collided with the ship carrying blue paint. All the sailors were marooned. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/736 "2013-10-14T01:41:42Z")
What’s it called when cockatiels form a terrorist group? The Tielyban! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/737 "2013-10-14T11:16:37Z")
What do Greeks eat on February 14th? St Valentine’s Day moussaka. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/738 "2013-10-14T11:18:05Z")
What kind of meat do Catholic priests eat on Fridays? Nun. ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/739 "2013-10-14T14:33:53Z")
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “It was dead.” She was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” The teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Psssst!’ and it didn’t move.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/740 "2013-10-14T14:40:41Z")
What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. What do elephants use for vibrators? Epileptics. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2013, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/741 "2013-10-14T14:53:00Z")
A floor contractor is hired to do a job for the zoo. He’s to start by putting a new floor in the wildebeast cage. The animal is still inside, so he puts the crate of tiles just outside the cage and goes off to get the zookeeper to move him so he can get to work. When he comes back with the zookeeper, the wildebeast is setting the last of the tiles in his cage, having reached through the bars to grab the tiles one at a time. “Wow!”, says the contractor, “That is one AMAZING animal!” “Not really”, said the zookeeper, “He’s just a typical gnu, and tiler too!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=36) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=38)