# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 40
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/782 "2013-10-18T15:17:27Z")
One morning after _Appel_, the Kommandant of the POW camp gets up to make an important announcement: “Ve haff good news,” he says. “Today iss ‘Change Underwear Day.’ Ze prisoners in Barrack A vill change underwear with ze prisoners in Barrack B!” ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/783 "2013-10-18T16:23:52Z")
This may have already been posted, but it deserves repeating: 4 surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on. The 1st surgeon, from New York, says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’ The 2nd, from Chicago, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’ The 3rd surgeon, from Dallas, says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’ But the 4th surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, & no spine… Plus, the head and the #% are interchangeable. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/784 "2013-10-18T18:42:51Z")
> [@K364](#): > > … But the 4th surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. > There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, & no spine… > Plus, the head and the #% are interchangeable. Very timely indeed! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/785 "2013-10-18T22:00:28Z")
"You are truly incomparable, just like, um,… " ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2013, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/786 "2013-10-19T01:14:50Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose… To paraphrase what Batman said when Jill St. John’s character fell into the Batmobile’s source of power in the Batcave: _**POOR DILUTED FOOL!**_ > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion… :dubious: Oh, is that a factorial? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/787 "2013-10-19T21:47:24Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion. Or, to understand recursion: You understand recursion if there is nothing more to understand about it. You understand recursion if you understand the first thing about it that you did not understand,and then understand recursion. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2013, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/788 "2013-10-20T02:54:19Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Or, to understand recursion: > You understand recursion if there is nothing more to understand about it. > You understand recursion if you understand the first thing about it that you did not understand,and then understand recursion. I worked for a company in the early 1980s that was using PR1ME computers. Their OS was called Primos. One of the manuals contained the following entries in the index: Circular reference: See recursion Recursion: See circular reference ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/789 "2013-10-20T18:39:56Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > Scotty was heavily involved with a large, relatively intact salvaged alien device the Enterprise picked up recently. No one knew why it floating in the middle of deep space or what civilization had produced it; some on his team had ventured that it came from another space-time continuum. He hoped that by learning to fully understand what the strange but sophisticated-looking machinery had done, and how it had performed its functions, he could adapt the unique technology to his engines for better efficiency. > > Kirk walks in. He amiably asks Scotty if there’s anything in the long, puzzling process he can help with. > > Scotty’s furrowed brow relaxes and a broad smile comes over his face. _Why, yes, Captain, there is._ > > He points ahead. _Here, in front of me you see two conduits. There is a seemingly identical pair behind me, by the way. You can help me with my current quandary by placing a palm on each one._ > > Kirk obliges with a smile. _Now what?_ > > Greatly pleased, Scotty tells him that he can let go and nothing more is needed from him. _Now I know for sure, but I couldn’t take a chance of being wrong._ He then turns around and approaches the opposite pair of conduits with his toolbox and a confident smile. > > _Sure? Sure of what, Scotty?_ > > Pointing ahead, he replies, _Now I know for sure that it must be this pair of conduits that carries the lethal electric charge._😛 Q. What does the USS Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? A. They both go around Uranus wiping out Klingons. Q. What did Mr. Spock find in the ship’s toilet? A. The captain’s log. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/790 "2013-10-21T06:14:01Z")
What’s the difference between a three-ring circus and the Folies Bergère? A three-ring circus is an array of cunning stunts. ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/791 "2013-10-21T14:01:44Z")
Bathroom Sign In the men’s room at work, the boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it – “Think!” The next day, when I went to the men’s room, I looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read – “Thoap!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/792 "2013-10-21T14:10:57Z")
Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars. * * * Heimerdinger: Why do chemists call helium, barium and carium the medical elements? Because if you can’t helium or carium you barium! * * * What’s brown and sticky. A stick. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/793 "2013-10-21T14:22:38Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars. The Rolling Stones had been invited to a big bash at the Playboy Mansion. After a while, Mick Jagger’s bladder was full, and he started looking around for a bathroom. He walked down the main hall, and opened the first dooor. No, that was a closet. He opened the second door. No, that was Hugh Hefner’s billiard room. He opened the third door. No, that was Hefner’s library. He opened another door. This was Hefner’s master bedroom. And there, in the bed, was Hugh Hefner himself having gay sex with actor Dennis Weaver. Jagger was absolutely shocked, and he exclaimed: HEY… HUGH… GET OFF OF MCCLOUD! HEY… HUGH… GET OFF OF MCCLOUD! ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/794 "2013-10-21T16:03:54Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Heimerdinger: Why do chemists call helium, barium and carium the medical elements? > > Because if you can’t helium or carium you barium! Did you mean curium? Gotta mind those transuranics! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/795 "2013-10-21T16:05:37Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Did you mean curium? No, this joke’s really for gamers: if you can’t heal 'em or carry 'em (out of a dungeon), then you bury 'em. But curium works too, possibly even better. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/796 "2013-10-21T16:11:07Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Q. What does the USS Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? > > A. They both go around Uranus wiping out Klingons. > Q. What did Mr. Spock find in the ship’s toilet? > > A. The captain’s log. Heh. I’d heard the second one in a static-descriptive mode, minus Spock finding them. But your version is funnier. 😃 And in the case of the first joke, I had heard “searching for” instead of “wiping out” but I’d say it’s neither here nor there. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/797 "2013-10-21T17:53:31Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars. Colin Mochrie used this joke on Whose Line. (Weird Newscasters) The joke kinda got away from him, and it died on the vine. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/798 "2013-10-21T18:25:12Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Q. What does the USS Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? > > A. They both go around Uranus wiping out Klingons. > Q. What did Mr. Spock find in the ship’s toilet? > > A. The captain’s log. I remember when you first told these. I laughed then, too. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/799 "2013-10-21T18:39:49Z")
Jonathan Swift makes a modest proposal and asks for a kid’s meal. * * * What did the guy magnet say to the girl magnet? From the back I found you repulsive, but from the front you’re actually quite attractive. * * * If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic. * * * “Knock, knock” “Who’s There?” "Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak Who?”. ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/800 "2013-10-21T22:05:16Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars. A couple vacationing in Italy heard that a monastery served great meals, so they thought they’d try it out. That day, the monastery served fish and chips, and it was the best meal the couple had ever eaten, so they decided to go back to the kitchen and compliment the cook in person. They found a man in a robe next to the stove, and the husband said, “Excuse me, are you the fish friar?” The man replied, “No, I’m the chip monk.” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2013, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/801 "2013-10-21T22:51:11Z")
> [@TonySinclair](#): > > The man replied, “No, I’m the chip monk.” Years before at this same monastery… The Pope was coming for a visit, so they sent a new priest down to the marketplace to buy something appropriate. While there, he heard a fishmonger holding up a fish and say to a friend, “Check out the size of this sonofabitch!” The priest gasped and said, “Language, my son!” The fishmonger looked up and stammered, “Oh–oh, no, father. That’s, uh, that’s the name of this species. It’s called a sonofabitch.” The priest didn’t want to look foolish so he said, “Of course, of course! Then let me buy that sonofabitch.” He took it back to the monastery and gave it to the friar working in the kitchen and said, “Cook this sonofabitch for the Pope.” When the friar looked shocked, he said, “That’s what this species is called, of course: it’s a sonofabitch.” The friar cooked it beautifully, and the abbot came in and said, “The Pope is ready, is the food ready?” The friar said, “Yes–take this sonofabitch out to him.” Of course, he had to explain: “No, no, this species is called a sonofabitch.” So the abbot took it out where the Pope was waiting at table and served the Pope personally. After he’d eaten, the Pope said, “This meal was delicious. Would you please gather the brothers that made this meal, that I may offer them a blessing?” The abbot gathered the monks together, and one by one they stood forward. “I bought the sonofabitch,” said the priest. “I cooked the sonofabitch,” said the friar. “And I served you the sonofabitch,” said the abbot. The Pope stared at them, one by one, for a long minute. At last he leaned back, put his feet on the table, lit a cigar, and said, “You motherfuckers are all right.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=39) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=41)