# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 45
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/882 "2013-11-15T11:00:50Z")
A Higgs boson is on vacation in Rome and decides to visit St Peter’s. But the Pope stops it and says, “You can’t come in here. You call yourself the God particle and that’s blasphemy.” The Higgs boson answers, “Keep me out if you want. But without me you won’t have any Mass.” ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/883 "2013-11-15T14:57:44Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > A Higgs boson is on vacation in Rome and decides to visit St Peter’s. But the Pope stops it and says, “You can’t come in here. You call yourself the God particle and that’s blasphemy.” The Higgs boson answers, “Keep me out if you want. But without me you won’t have any Mass.” 🆒 I had already heard a bit shorter version of it, but I like yours better. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/884 "2013-11-15T15:11:30Z")
Who’s there? A nihilist. A nihilist, who? …what’s the point… * * * Some people are ignorant about anatomy. Just today, I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/885 "2013-11-15T16:01:07Z")
Knock Knock Who’s there? To To who? It’s “to WHOM”! ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/886 "2013-11-15T17:32:56Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > … and then take off for two weeks on Majorca. 😃 Don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2013, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/887 "2013-11-15T22:02:45Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > Knock Knock > Who’s there? > To > To who? > It’s “to WHOM”! Sounds like this might be the return of “Control Freak”–as in, “Now you say ‘Control Freak Who!’” ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/888 "2013-11-16T07:52:35Z")
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’ The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut. The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. You’re going to love the Dad’s reply: ‘Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?’ ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/889 "2013-11-16T09:11:01Z")
A new vicar is about to take his first service, he’s in the vestry going over his sermon and he is wondering if he is properly dressed, but there is no mirror. “Dear me,” he frets, “if only there were a glass here!”. The verger hears this and slips out. A minute later back comes the verger. “Here’s a whole bottle,” he mutters, “all I had to do was mention your name.” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/890 "2013-11-16T16:45:27Z")
## Google Question: “Which is worse; Ignorance or Apathy?” Google Answer: “I don’t know and I don’t care!” 24 hours in a day. 24 bottles of beer in a case. Coincidence? ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/891 "2013-11-16T18:03:12Z")
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. Blonde cop: May I see your drivers license? Blonde driver: What does it look like? Blonde cop: Well, it is rectangular and has your picture. The blond driver frantically searches her purse and pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the blonde cop. The blond cop looks at the mirror and replies, “I am sorry, I didn’t know you were an officer”. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/892 "2013-11-16T18:55:32Z")
Wasn’t this blonde joke done just a while upthread? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2013, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/893 "2013-11-16T20:57:50Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > Wasn’t this blonde joke done just a while upthread? Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/894 "2013-11-17T05:54:20Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > Wasn’t this blonde joke done just a while upthread? When they are that good, they are worth repeating. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/895 "2013-11-17T06:52:23Z")
Blonde jokes? I like this one: > [@](#): > > A brunette, a redhead and a blonde, all pregnant, are sitting in the OB/GYN waiting room, talking about their future babies. > > The brunette says, “I’m having a boy, because when we did it, I was on the bottom.” > > The redhead says, “I’m having a girl, because I was on top.” > > The blonde begins to weep. The other women ask her what’s wrong; she replies, “I’m gonna have puppies!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/896 "2013-11-17T07:39:30Z")
A sorority chick is watching her roommate get ready for bed after coming back from a hot date. “Hey,” she says. “What’s that ‘M’ on your belly?” “Oh,” says the roommate, “that’s from Brad. He likes to wear his letter sweater while we do it. It leaves a little rash for a day or so.” “Huh!” says the first chick. “I didn’t know he’s at the University of Minnesota.” “He isn’t,” says the roommate. “He’s at the University of Wisconsin.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/897 "2013-11-17T07:42:25Z")
> [@Leo\_Bloom](#): > > Don’t get it. Jewish Christmas vacation… :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/898 "2013-11-17T09:32:57Z")
What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic? About halfway. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/899 "2013-11-17T10:36:01Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > A new vicar is about to take his first service, he’s in the vestry going over his sermon and he is wondering if he is properly dressed, but there is no mirror. “Dear me,” he frets, “if only there were a glass here!”. The verger hears this and slips out. > > A minute later back comes the verger. “Here’s a whole bottle,” he mutters, “all I had to do was mention your name.” Translation, please! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/900 "2013-11-17T10:44:12Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > Translation, please! 🙂 Not sure what needs to be translated here. A vicar is a clergyman. A verger is an assistant who helps run the church. The vicar is getting ready for his first service and wanted to check his appearance in the mirror. He asked the verger for a mirror, referring to it as a glass. The verger misunderstood and thought he was asking for a glass of alcohol. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/901 "2013-11-17T10:46:37Z")
Thanks, Nemo. I thought just “vicar” and (especially) “verger” we’re giving me trouble, but now I see “glass” was, too (it never means “mirror” over here on the left side if the pond). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=44) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=46)