# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 52
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1022 "2014-01-05T17:06:51Z")
The Lone Ranger is captured by some bandits and is told that he will be executed in the morning. He is given one last request. “I want to talk to my horse” he says, and his faithful steed is brought to his side. He leans over, whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse gallops away. A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful woman on its back. The bandits are amazed, and allow the woman to spend the night with the prisoner. In the morning, the bandit leader is amazed by what he hears happened, so he grants a temporary reprieve of the execution until the next morning. Again, on the eve of his death, the prisoner is given a last request, and of course again asks to speak to his horse. He whispers in the horse’s ear and it gallops off. This time, it returns with TWO women, more beautiful than the last. The bandits are incredulous, nonetheless honor the man’s last request and he spends the night with the girls. The next morning the bandit leader again grants a stay of execution, but warns him that no more delay will be tolerated, and he WILL be executed the next morning no matter what. That evening, when given his last request, he says “I’ would like to speak to my horse… alone”. The horse is led in and the bandits retreat out of earshot. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by the ears, looks him right in the eyes and says “Listen you mangy flea-bitten nag, I only got one more shot at this so listen closely…bring POSSE!” ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1023 "2014-01-06T00:41:38Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > An elderly man walks into a confessional and the following conversation ensues: > > “I’m 92 years old and I have a wonderful wife of 70 years. I have many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. > Yesterday, I picked up two college girls that were hitch-hiking and we went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.” > The priest says “Are you sorry for your sins?” > “What sins?”, says the old man. > > Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?!” > Old man: “I’m not Catholic, I’m Jewish!” > > Priest: “Well, why are you telling _ **me** _ all of this?!” > > Old man: “Hell, I’m 92 years old … I’m telling _everybody_!” 😃 I’ve come across this somewhere… possibly even here on the SDMB, but it’s still first-time funny! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1024 "2014-01-06T00:43:41Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. > After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’ > The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” > The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” > To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” > The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading… > A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” > The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” > The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” > The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.” > The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes. > > Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?” 😃 And again… 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1025 "2014-01-06T01:06:02Z")
> [@EmilyG](#): > > Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.” That reminds me of an anecdote, and I will take the liberty of modifiying it. One professor told of his research, of which funding had been granted, and that he was now set up to start. His buddy, also a professor, had his interest piqued. The idea was to see whether cannabis smoking improved the enjoyment of food. The professor in charge was sure that this was definitely not the case, and he confided that to his friend. Of course, being a scientist, his overall attitude was, “We’ll see.” Through one-way mirrors the two of them spied on volunteering students in the control group as they chewed their lunch of hamburgers. (They had been carefully monitored in overnight seclusion and none of them could possibly have “smoked” recently.) Almost none of them showed any particular enthusiasm over their meal, and the few that did showed nothing to write home about. They all chatted about unrelated things. Then they spied on volunteers who had just had some cannabis smoked in reefers. Each of them talked about nothing else than the hamburgers. They simply raved about the flavor and freshness. “See? See?” the first prof said to the second. I was right! Pot \*\*\*does not \*\*\*improve enjoyment of tasty food!" “WHAAA…?” replied the other prof in disbelief. The first prof understood his friend’s confusion, and so touched his arm gently and then enthusiastically explained the results. “I know what you must be thinking, but you miss the point!” he started, “Pot doesn’t improve the taste of food for those students…” _THEY ONLY THINK IT DOES_! ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1026 "2014-01-06T05:15:29Z")
From the Piper Household Christmas Crackers: **Q.** What do you call a pig who does karate? **A.** A pork chop. **Q.** Why did the cookie go to the hospital? **A** He felt crummy. **Q.** What happens to a frog who parks in a no-parking zone? **A.** He gets toad! **Q.** What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? **A.** A pouch potato! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1027 "2014-01-06T07:42:25Z")
A prospector strikes it rich on the Klondike, but realizes has no way to get so much gold downriver. So he hikes 20 miles to the nearest town and fires off a telegram to a buddy: “Come north at once. Bring two punts and a canoe.” A week goes by before he gets an answer: “Message received but garbled. Have managed to persuade two local girls, but what the hell is a panoe?” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1028 "2014-01-06T08:00:17Z")
A sorority girl goes to see her doctor and learns that she’s pregnant. After a couple of days’ thought, she decides to carry the child through to term but requests that the doc give it to another young mother in the hospital and tell her she had twins. The day the baby is born, the only other patient the doctor has is an old priest who’s in for a gall bladder operation. As he’s coming out from under the anesthesia, the doc enters the room and says “Father O’Brien, I can hardly believe it myself, but when we were operating on you, you gave birth to a healthy eight-pound baby boy!” Father O’Brien closes his eyes and clasps his hands in prayer. “The Lord be praised!” he says. “'Tis a miracle child! Truly He works in mysterious ways!” So he takes the child home with him and raises him as his son. Eventually, the boy begins to ask questions like, How come I don’t have a mommy? Each time, Father O’Brien explains patiently “Well, you see, son, you are a miracle child. I am both your mother and your father.” The years go by and the boy grows up believing this. Finally, one day Father O’Brien is lying on his deathbed and calls the lad over to his side. “Son,” he says, "all these years, I’ve been living a lie, and I’ve got to tell you the truth before I go. You see, you’re really not a miracle child … … the Bishop was your father!" ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1029 "2014-01-06T10:41:07Z")
Why do minced foods have the least calories? Because they’re in the ground state! Hahaha! Haha! ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1030 "2014-01-06T16:16:05Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A sorority girl goes to see her doctor and learns that she’s pregnant. After a couple of days’ thought, she decides to carry the child through to term but requests that the doc give it to another young mother in the hospital and tell her she had twins. > > The day the baby is born, the only other patient the doctor has is an old priest who’s in for a gall bladder operation. As he’s coming out from under the anesthesia, the doc enters the room and says “Father O’Brien, I can hardly believe it myself, but when we were operating on you, you gave birth to a healthy eight-pound baby boy!” > > Father O’Brien closes his eyes and clasps his hands in prayer. “The Lord be praised!” he says. “'Tis a miracle child! Truly He works in mysterious ways!” > > So he takes the child home with him and raises him as his son. Eventually, the boy begins to ask questions like, How come I don’t have a mommy? Each time, Father O’Brien explains patiently “Well, you see, son, you are a miracle child. I am both your mother and your father.” > > The years go by and the boy grows up believing this. Finally, one day Father O’Brien is lying on his deathbed and calls the lad over to his side. “Son,” he says, "all these years, I’ve been living a lie, and I’ve got to tell you the truth before I go. You see, you’re really not a miracle child … > > … the Bishop was your father!" That’s just… wrong! Funny as hell, and a little twisted, but still wrong. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1031 "2014-01-06T16:30:49Z")
This is one I made up years ago… Did you hear about the guy with two dicks? He never knew if he was coming or going. ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1032 "2014-01-06T16:41:21Z")
Reminds me of… A novice nun has just begun her tenure in the convent. The Mother Superior tells her that one of her duties will be to bathe Father Patrick, an aging priest suffering from Alhzheimer’s Disease who is cared for by the sisters of the convent. “Now Father Patrick may be old and senile,” warns the Mother Superior, “but he can still get frisky sometimes, so watch out for him.” Sometime later, the Mother Superior encounters the new nun, and asks whether Father Patrick has behaved for his bath. The new nun blushes and says, “Well, as I was bathing him, his member became large and stiff. He told me that it was the Staff of Life, and that I should grasp it firmly.” “Why that old coot!” exclaims the Mother Superior. “All these years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s Horn!” > [@terentii](#): > > A novice nun storms into her Mother Superior’s office, fuming. > > “Mother Superior! You should hear those workmen building the road outside our convent! Their foul language is simply disgraceful!” > > “Now, now, Sister” says the Mother Superior. “They’re simple, honest, hardworking men. They merely call a spade a spade.” > > “No, they don’t!” says the novice. “They call it a fucking shovel!” ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1033 "2014-01-06T16:51:41Z")
A duck and a chicken are approaching an intersection. The duck begins to step off the curb, but the chicken says “Don’t do it…you’ll never hear the end of it.” ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1034 "2014-01-06T16:58:13Z")
Three couples approach the Pearly Gates seeking admission to heaven. St. Peter examines his ledger and says to the first man, “All your life, all you ever cared about was making money. You abandoned all others in your relentless pursuit of filthy lucre. Why, you even married a girl named Penny. I can’t let you in. Begone!” After further consultation, he says to the second man, “All your life, all you ever cared about was gardening. You neglected your friends and family and spent every minute obsessively caring for your garden. Why, you even married a girl named Iris. I can’t let you in. Begone!” The third man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of here.” ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1035 "2014-01-06T16:58:34Z")
> [@DChord568](#): > > This is one I made up years ago… > Did you hear about the guy with two dicks? > > He never knew if he was coming or going. Why is a man’s sperm white and his urine yellow? So he can tell if he’s coming or going. ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1036 "2014-01-06T17:08:18Z")
It’s the dead of winter, and a guy and his girl attend a formal dance. He’s wearing a tuxedo but doesn’t want to get it wrinkled, so he wears no topcoat or other winter attire. Sure enough, while they’re driving back he gets a flat tire. He’s forced to go out in the frigid temperatures and change the tire without protection. As he hurries back in the car, he exclaims, “Jeez, I’m freezing! I think my hands are frostbitten.” His girlfriend says, “Here, put them between my thighs. That’ll warm them up.” The guy pauses, then says, “You know, come to think of it, my ears are pretty cold too.” ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1037 "2014-01-06T20:12:01Z")
Two from my high school days: Did you hear about the certain ethnic guy who carved his initials on his fingers? He always wanted a monogrammed handkerchief. Did you hear about the certain ethnic parachutist who missed the world? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1038 "2014-01-07T00:20:12Z")
> [@DChord568](#): > > Reminds me of… > > A novice nun has just begun her tenure in the convent. The Mother Superior tells her that one of her duties will be to bathe Father Patrick, an aging priest suffering from Alhzheimer’s Disease who is cared for by the sisters of the convent. > > “Now Father Patrick may be old and senile,” warns the Mother Superior, “but he can still get frisky sometimes, so watch out for him.” > > Sometime later, the Mother Superior encounters the new nun, and asks whether Father Patrick has behaved for his bath. > > The new nun blushes and says, “Well, as I was bathing him, his member became large and stiff. He told me that it was the Staff of Life, and that I should grasp it firmly.” > > “Why that old coot!” exclaims the Mother Superior. “All these years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s Horn!” When I heard it, he told her it was the Key to Heaven, and she let him see if it would fit in her lock. I prefer “Gabriel’s Trumpet,” too. Just sounds funnier! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1039 "2014-01-07T00:25:16Z")
Blow that horn! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1040 "2014-01-07T00:26:32Z")
A debutante is being driven home late one evening when her father’s limo develops a flat on a lonesome country road. She gets out with the chauffeur and watches for a few minutes while he struggles with the jack and the wheel. Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” “Might as well,” says the chauffeur. “I sure as hell can’t get this damned hubcap off!” ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1041 "2014-01-07T00:29:28Z")
That joke is CONFUSING ME!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=51) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=53)