# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 53
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1042 "2014-01-07T01:02:14Z")
A young novice is praying in chapel when a middle-aged nun walks in. The older nun looks around and asks “Where’s the candles?” The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1043 "2014-01-07T01:05:45Z")
A screwdriver is a cocktail. ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1044 "2014-01-07T01:30:21Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A young novice is praying in chapel when a middle-aged nun walks in. > > The older nun looks around and asks “Where’s the candles?” > > The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” Am I the only one that’s 😕 ---
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1045 "2014-01-07T02:02:04Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > Am I the only one that’s 😕 No, you’re not. ---
**Author:** ![Ken001](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/43a26b/32.png) [@Ken001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ken001)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1046 "2014-01-07T02:07:32Z")
“Where’s the candles” sounds like “Wears the candles” which suggests an unnatural act with candles. Or so I’m told. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1047 "2014-01-07T03:34:16Z")
Did you hear that hackers stole personal information from 40,000 Target customers last month? Target customers are outraged, but the NSA is really impressed. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1048 "2014-01-07T03:46:23Z")
> [@ken001](#): > > “where’s the candles” sounds like “wears the candles” which suggests an unnatural act with candles. Or so i’m told. :d Совершенно верно. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1049 "2014-01-07T03:48:17Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > A screwdriver is a cocktail. What do you call vodka mixed with milk of magnesia? A Phillips screwdriver. _Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!_😃 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1050 "2014-01-07T03:49:23Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > Am I the only one that’s 😕 Try, uhm, saying it out loud…? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1051 "2014-01-07T12:55:40Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > She gets out with the chauffeur and watches for a few minutes while he struggles with the jack and the wheel. Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” What the chauffeur hears: “Would you like a screw, driver?” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1052 "2014-01-07T14:54:50Z")
Messin’ with Penguins A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguin populations are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly toward the penguin colony and overfly it. ## Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. Familiarity breeds children. ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1053 "2014-01-07T15:03:54Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > A screwdriver is a cocktail. I KNOW! That just makes it worse. I now see three different jokes. Maybe four. > [@](#): > > Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” > > “Might as well,” says the chauffeur. “I sure as hell can’t get this damned hubcap off!” > [@](#): > > Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” > > “Thanks!” says the chauffeur. “It might help me get this damned hubcap off!” > [@](#): > > Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” > > “Sure” says the chauffeur. “But don’t tell your Dad!” > [@](#): > > Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” > > “What?” says the chauffeur. “You got orange juice and vodka in there?” > [@](#): > > Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?” > > “Thanks, but I’m gay” says the chauffeur. ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1054 "2014-01-07T15:05:55Z")
I know, I know. Too much thinking. But I think the last one is actually a better joke. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1055 "2014-01-07T23:05:32Z")
> [@turtlescanfly](#): > > No, you’re not. I’m still trying to figure out the monogrammed handkerchief. ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1056 "2014-01-07T23:11:50Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A young novice is praying in chapel when a middle-aged nun walks in. > > The older nun looks around and asks “Where’s the candles?” > > The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” > [@Ken001](#): > > “Where’s the candles” sounds like “Wears the candles” which suggests an unnatural act with candles. Or so I’m told. 😃 Oooookay… And _ **who** _ is performing the ‘unnatural act’? 😕 > [@terentii](#): > > Try, uhm, saying it out loud…? 😉 “Where’s [Wears] the candles?” "The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” I’m sorry, but I _ **still** _ don’t ‘get it’. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1057 "2014-01-07T23:24:12Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > Oooookay… And _ **who** _ is performing the ‘unnatural act’? 😕 > > “Where’s [Wears] the candles?” > "The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” > > I’m sorry, but I _ **still** _ don’t ‘get it’. ☹ She (the young nun) uses the candles like dildos to masturbate, and the heat and friction from her vagina wear the candles down. “Where’s the candles” is technically ungrammatical, but people sometimes talk that way and it sets up the rest of the joke. The young nun misunderstands the older nun’s question (“ **Where are** the candles?”). “It” wears the candles down, “it” being masturbation. Anything **else** you’d like to know? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1058 "2014-01-07T23:29:01Z")
> [@FXMastermind](#): > > I know, I know. Too much thinking. But I think the last one is actually a better joke. Disagree. It’s funnier if the chauffeur thinks he can actually get away with boffing his rich employer’s hoitey-toitey daughter. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1059 "2014-01-07T23:29:36Z")
re: post 1057 I would have never thought along those lines, either. This one time, tho, in band camp… . ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1060 "2014-01-07T23:30:42Z")
post 1055 ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2014, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1061 "2014-01-07T23:41:26Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > She (the young nun) uses the candles like dildos to masturbate, and the heat and friction from her vagina wear the candles down. > > “Where’s the candles” is technically ungrammatical, but people sometimes talk that way and it sets up the rest of the joke. > > The young nun misunderstands the older nun’s question (“ **Where are** the candles?”). > > “It” wears the candles down, “it” being masturbation. > > Anything **else** you’d like to know? 😕 Ahhhh… I ‘get it’… _now_. FWIW and IMHO that joke needs a better ‘set up’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=52) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=54)