# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 55
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1082 "2014-01-16T20:45:33Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > As a young helicopter crew chief, I was introduced to a new, younger, right seat (pilot). We were coming back to Fort Campbell, KY, from an uneventful milk run and the new pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this being his first time approaching the field at night. > > Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?” > > The controller at that point switched off all the field lights and responded: “Guess where!” This reminds me of a story that my dad used to tell after serving in the US Army during WWII. Whether or not it’s true, I can’t say. A young pilot was soloing over Graham Field one day when he decided to have a bit of fun on the radio: “Graham Tower, Graham Tower, come in please! Over.” “This is Graham Tower, over.” “This is Graham Cracker. Eat me!” Unfortunately, his plane was the only one in the air that day… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1083 "2014-01-16T20:47:42Z")
> [@Srsly\_Dad](#): > > It is better when you can tell it with a Scottish accent > > A recruiting officer for the Scottish army is trying to convince a young man (McT) to sign up. > > “I tell you McT you would love the army, we have something different going on every night. Take Mondays, on Mondays we hit the pubs and drink til dawn.” > > “I’m not really a drinker” replies McT > > “OK then, Tuesday we hit the gaming rooms and play cards and gamble till the wee hours. How’s that sound McT” > > “I am not a gambler” replies McT > > “While you have to like Wednesday, we hit the whorehouses. Can can enjoy beautiful women all night long all on the regiments tab. Now that gotta appeal to you boy” > > “I’m not really into womanizing either” sighs McT. > > “OK son, so you don’t drink, you don’t gamble and you don’t like women. What are you some kind of homosexual?” > > “No sir, I am not homosexual” says McT > > “OK” sighs the RO “So you won’t like staying at the barracks on Thursdays then” In the version I heard, a young grad student had just arrived at an archaeological dig in the jungles of South America… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1084 "2014-01-16T20:59:56Z")
Heard this one in high school: There was once a woman with a really weird habit: every month, she would chuck her used sanitary napkins into the closet and clean it out a couple of times a year. One day, she’s in bed with her next-door neighbor when a car pulls up in the driveway. “Oh, my God, it’s my husband!” she says. “Quick, hide in the closet!” He manages to get inside just as her husband comes through the front door. “Honey,” says her husband, “I’ve been laid off, so I’m just gonna lay around the house for a couple of months until they call me back for work.” In fact, he stays home for six months before he goes out again. As soon as he’s gone, the wife remembers her lover in the closet. She slowly opens the closet door, expecting to find a rotting corpse. Imagine her surprise when she finds he’s alive and well. “My God!” she cries. “How did you manage to stay alive all that time?” “Well, it wasn’t easy,” he replies. “If it wasn’t for those jelly sandwiches you kept tossing me, I never would have made it!” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1085 "2014-01-16T21:14:25Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > Being Cool > > As a young helicopter crew chief, I was introduced to a new, younger, right seat (pilot). We were coming back to Fort Campbell, KY, from an uneventful milk run and the new pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this being his first time approaching the field at night. > > Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?” > > ## The controller at that point switched off all the field lights and responded: “Guess where!” > > Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again… > [@terentii](#): > > This reminds me of a story that my dad used to tell after serving in the US Army during WWII. Whether or not it’s true, I can’t say. > > A young pilot was soloing over Graham Field one day when he decided to have a bit of fun on the radio: > > “Graham Tower, Graham Tower, come in please! Over.” > > “This is Graham Tower, over.” > > “This is Graham Cracker. Eat me!” > > Unfortunately, his plane was the only one in the air that day… :smack: Or another version along these lines: The Navy has just launched a new battleship. The Admiral in Chief is sailing on her for her first cruise. He’s on the bridge at night and sees a light up ahead that’s directly in the battleship’s path. He gets on the speaker: “Attention, unknown ship ahead, I advise you to turn to port to get out of our path.” He hears a response: “Negative, unknown ship, advise you to turn to port.” The admiral is annoyed by this and gets back on the speaker: “I don’t know who you are. But I’m the highest ranking admiral in the world’s biggest fleet on the largest battleship ever launched. So are you going to continue to argue about who should give way?” The response: “No, we’re just a regular lighthouse. So you make the call.” ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1086 "2014-01-16T21:17:45Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > “Well, it wasn’t easy,” he replies. “If it wasn’t for those jelly sandwiches you kept tossing me, I never would have made it!” :eek: No. No. NONONNONOooo. No. Getting dressed this morning, I looked down at my package and said “Awww, he looks tired this morning?” SO said “He does? Why?” “Look…he’s got a bag under his eye.” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1087 "2014-01-16T21:32:25Z")
Routine Exercize As everyone in the military knows, Fort Rucker, AL, is the mother of all US Army aviation. One day while practicing auto-rotations (no power landings) during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke the tail boom and rotor clean off. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange . . . Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?” ## Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!” A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station … ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2014, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1088 "2014-01-20T20:05:42Z")
Look! Up in the sky… I heard this on a DFW pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other. “Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military issue .45 caliber pistol.” “We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives.” ## “In other words, we’re faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!” True bravery is arriving home very late after a boy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2014, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1089 "2014-01-20T20:25:42Z")
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat. This was one of those “I can’t believe my 13yo is telling me this joke, even during guy time…” jokes. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1090 "2014-01-21T08:41:53Z")
This is one my Dad told me from the 1930s, when he was a kid: A man went into a poolroom with a bar. A sign near the tables read “BILLIARDS 5c.” He put a nickel on the bar and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a glass of billiards.” The bartender said to himself, Is this guy from outer space or something? He took a shot glass into the back room and peed in it. He brought it back out and set it on the bar, and put the guy’s nickel into the till. He said, “There’s your glass of billiards, buddy.” The guy drank it. He said, “If I wasn’t an old billiard drinker, I’d swear that was pee.” ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1091 "2014-01-21T15:13:10Z")
Dude is celebrating his 50th birthday. He observes he’s done pretty much everything. Hang gliding, sky diving, threesomes, foursomes, bungie jumping, swiming with sharks … the list goes on. - Aha! says his friend. But you’ve never had gay sex have you? - Well no, responds the birthday boy. I’m not sure if I would like it. - Well you’ve got to try everything once says the friend. Birthday Boy has a few more drinks and agrees, but he’s hesitant. - What if I don’t enjoy it? - If you don’t enjoy it then make a noise like an animal, and if you DO enjoy it, then start singing! So it’s on! The two begin to engage in some gay sex. Birthday Boy - Mooo, moooo, moooo … Birthday Boy - moooo, mooooo, moooooo … Birthday Boy - Moooo moooo moooooooon river! ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Economist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c89c15/32.png) [@Evil\_Economist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Economist)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1092 "2014-01-21T15:22:41Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > Routine Exercize > > As everyone in the military knows, Fort Rucker, AL, is the mother of all US Army aviation. One day while practicing auto-rotations (no power landings) during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke the tail boom and rotor clean off. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles. > > As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange . . . > > Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?” > > Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!” This was told to me as a true story. I’m repeating it secondhand, and I’m not at all knowledgable about flying, so please disregard any blatant errors: Air Force, Navy, and Marines are having a competition at an airshow to see who can land their plane in the shortest distance. Air Force guy makes a good landing, announcer says “Great job Air Force – came to a complete stop in 500 meters.” Navy guy goes next, announcer says “Navy in the lead with a complete stop in 490 meters.” Marine misjudges the landing and crashes into the airstip. Shocked pause, then announcer says “Marines win.” ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1093 "2014-01-21T15:33:59Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > Dude is celebrating his 50th birthday. > > He observes he’s done pretty much everything. Hang gliding, sky diving, threesomes, foursomes, bungie jumping, swiming with sharks … the list goes on. > > - Aha! says his friend. But you’ve never had gay sex have you? > > - Well no, responds the birthday boy. I’m not sure if I would like it. > > - Well you’ve got to try everything once says the friend. > > Birthday Boy has a few more drinks and agrees, but he’s hesitant. > > - What if I don’t enjoy it? > > - If you don’t enjoy it then make a noise like an animal, and if you DO enjoy it, then start singing! > > So it’s on! The two begin to engage in some gay sex. > > Birthday Boy - Mooo, moooo, moooo … > Birthday Boy - moooo, mooooo, moooooo … > > Birthday Boy - Moooo moooo moooooooon river! All of a sudden, a scene from Chevy Chase’s _ **Fletch** _ makes more sense. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1094 "2014-01-21T16:03:37Z")
Another story my dad claimed was true, but I tend to discount it because he was always full of BS: One day, he was on duty in the motor pool at his base in Texas when the phone rang. “SABRE.” (The code recognition for Southern Command). “What do you have available today?” “Well, the only thing that’s running is Major ‘Big Butt’ Benson’s jeep.” “Do you know who this is, soldier?” “No, sir, I don’t.” “This is Major Benson!” “Do you know who this is, Major?” “No!” “Good.” _CLICK!_ ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1095 "2014-01-21T17:00:33Z")
Sky Diving A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready. The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck. ## The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?” Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1096 "2014-01-21T20:14:04Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > A Brooklynite is visiting Chicago, and asks a bus driver: “Does dis bus go t’rough de Loop?” > The driver answers “No, it goes ‘Beep Beep’.” > [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > “Does dis bus go to Duluth” is the way I heard it. That sounds more like toot-a-loo. British counterpart, involving the Liverpool suburb of Speke (rhymes with leak). Passenger: “Is this bus going to Speke?” Conductor of bus: “Well, I’ve been working on the buses for thirty years, and I’ve never heard one speak.” ---
**Author:** ![jerez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c68b51/32.png) [@jerez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jerez)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1097 "2014-01-21T20:30:33Z")
Two gay men are sitting at the front of a plane on a very long overnight flight. After many hours, all the other passengers seem to be sleeping, so one says to the other, “Let’s do it right here.” The other says, “Are you crazy? We’ll get in trouble!” The first says, “No, everyone’s asleep. Look, I’ll show you.” So he turns around in his seat and says, “Can somebody please give me a Kleenex?” Nothing but silence. “See, I told you!” So they do it right there. Hours later, dawn is breaking and the flight is reaching its destination. A flight attendant is checking on the passengers when she sees at the back of the plane a small man shivering under his coat. It looks like he’s been trying to sleep and isn’t at all comfortable. She asks if he’d like a blanket, which he gratefully accepts. Watching him snuggle under the blanket, she says, “Sir, if you were cold, you could have just asked for a blanket.” The man’s eyes open wide and he says indignantly, “Ask for a blanket? Some guy up front asked for a Kleenex and **HE** got fucked up the ass!” ---
**Author:** ![jerez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c68b51/32.png) [@jerez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jerez)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1098 "2014-01-21T20:31:53Z")
Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem? Father: It’s not me, it’s my son. Psychiatrist: What’s the problem? Father: He’s obsessed with sex! Psychiatrist: That’s normal for a young man, isn’t it? Father: No, you don’t understand. Why don’t you talk to him? Psychiatrist: Okay, send him in, and you wait outside. The kid goes in, the psychiatrist talks to him for a while and then draws a horizontal line on a pad of paper. Psychiatrist: What do you see there? Kid: Two people making love. Psychiatrist: Hmmm. The psychiatrist draws a vertical line. Psychiatrist: What do you see now? Kid: Two people making love in the shower. Psychiatrist: Uh-huh. The psychiatrist draws a diagonal line and the kid says it’s two people making love on the stairs. The psychiatrist sends the kid out and asks to have a word with the father. Psychiatrist: Well, this may be worse than I thought. Father: What? What is it? Psychiatrist: Well, I showed him this… Father: What! And you show that **SMUT** to my son?!!! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2014, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1099 "2014-01-21T20:53:38Z")
> [@Evil\_Economist](#): > > This was told to me as a true story. I’m repeating it secondhand, and I’m not at all knowledgable about flying, so please disregard any blatant errors: > > Air Force, Navy, and Marines are having a competition at an airshow to see who can land their plane in the shortest distance. Air Force guy makes a good landing, announcer says “Great job Air Force – came to a complete stop in 500 meters.” Navy guy goes next, announcer says “Navy in the lead with a complete stop in 490 meters.” Marine misjudges the landing and crashes into the airstip. Shocked pause, then announcer says “Marines win.” And when the Marine pilot was pulled out of the wreckage he said the contest was rigged because nobody could land on a runway that short. Although looking to his left and right, he did concede it was the widest runway he’d ever seen. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2014, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1100 "2014-01-22T07:33:26Z")
Two gay men are about to tuck into their airline meals when the plane hits a pocket of turbulence, causing one to spill his glass of red wine in his lap. “Ooooooooooh!” says his boyfriend. “Let’s go to the lavatory! I’ve always wanted to try _coq au vin_!” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Mofassah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mofassah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mofassah)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2014, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1101 "2014-01-22T07:50:40Z")
A German, a Greek and a Spaniard went into a bar. The German paid for the drinks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=54) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=56)