# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 60
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1182 "2014-02-18T16:32:07Z")
I want to kill you now ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1183 "2014-02-18T16:35:15Z")
But I am so telling that one. It’s a triple burn. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1184 "2014-02-18T16:42:40Z")
I laughed and laughed. My daughter laughed and laughed. Madame Pepperwinkle is… happy for us. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1185 "2014-02-18T16:52:20Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > “We regret to inform you that your camel has hepatitis.” This dates back to at least Bill Mauldin; in a story from _Up Front_, referring to the hooch the destitute Europeans were selling the GIs: “Your horse has kidney problems.” ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1186 "2014-02-18T17:05:43Z")
Some jokes will never die ---
**Author:** ![iMouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e9c0ed/32.png) [@iMouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iMouse)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1187 "2014-02-18T17:39:16Z")
This is old, and a search failed to find it here, so … A couple of buds are having a beer when the visitor notices his host’s dog in the corner, and he’s licking his balls. **Visitor** : “Gee, I wish I could do that, I would never leave the house all day.” **Host** : "Maybe if you stroke his head gently, and speak in a soft tone, he’ll let you?’ ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1188 "2014-02-18T18:21:47Z")
I heard it as “Better give a bone to chew on first” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1189 "2014-02-18T20:37:01Z")
“Look both ways before crossing the street.” Man, that’s a long, long, way to go for a punchline! ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1190 "2014-02-18T20:42:28Z")
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.” Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she split right up the middle…" ## The old woman fainted. Try this at home… go to [www.google.com](http://www.google.com) Type, in the search box, “weapons of mass destruction” Then, hit the “I’m feeling lucky button” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2014, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1191 "2014-02-19T15:41:33Z")
Be careful I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on to some of my younger (and not so younger) friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax . Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. ## After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks… but be careful. Thunderstorm One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2014, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1192 "2014-02-20T17:58:31Z")
Donald and Daisy Donald Duck and Daisy were spending the night in a hotel room and Donald started to get carried away with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?” Donald frowned and said “No”. Daisy told Donald that they could not have sex if he didn’t have a condom. “Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested. So, Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they sold condoms. “Yes, we do,” the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? ## “NO!” Donald yelled. “You think I’m some kind of a pervert?!” A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, “Officer, I’m so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!” The officer looks at her, then says, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2014, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1193 "2014-02-21T06:40:10Z")
Parkega, that’s a gem! Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in months! :D:D How about this? Little kid in baythroom: (Singing) “Chewy chewy Tootsie Roll lasts a long time!” His mother says, “Put that nasty thing back in the toilet!” ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2014, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1194 "2014-02-21T09:04:00Z")
Here’s one that you’ll need to be a Kiwi to understand… What do you call a Maori in a Red Mini? A Jaffa * * * What’s the difference between mountain goats and gold fish? Gold fish muck around in fountains * * * What should a guy do with “the pill” (birth control pill, no little blue one) Put it in the heel of his shoe - it’ll make him limp ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2014, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1195 "2014-02-21T16:04:01Z")
## Guy is setting in the dentist’ chair, Dentist says “I’m going to give you some Novacane before we get started”. Man; “No Doc, I don’t want a shot”. Doc; “OK, I’ll get the gas ready, it’ll take just a moment” Man; “No Doc, I don’t need any gas either, let’s just get started” Doc; “OK, here take 2 of these” Man; “I don’t NEED anything for the pain, lets go” Doc; They’re NOT pain medication, they’re VIAGRA." Man; “VIAGRA… what good would that do??” Doc; “It’ll give you something to hold onto…’cause this is really going to hurt!!” There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!” ---
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2014, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1196 "2014-02-22T05:36:24Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > Here’s one that you’ll need to be a Kiwi to understand… > > What do you call a Maori in a Red Mini? > > A Jaffa > > * * * Is it possible to explain this to us non-Kiwis?😕 ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2014, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1197 "2014-02-22T06:32:29Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Here’s the way I heard it: > > God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the Chinese Chairman, and Bill Gates, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks. The President goes on TV and tells the people: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that THERE IS A GOD! and He has made himself known to me. The bad news is he’s destroying the world in two weeks.” > > The chairman goes on TV and tells his people: “I > have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that God exists. The terrible news is that He is > going to destroy the world in two weeks.” > > Bill Gates assembles all of his Microsoft employees together in Redmond and addresses them. “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that the world is going to end in two weeks. The good news is that God thinks that I’m one of the three most important men in the world.” Here’s the way I heard it: God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the Chinese Chairman, and Bill Gates, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks. The President goes on TV and tells the people: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that THERE IS A GOD! and He has made himself known to me. The bad news is he’s destroying the world in two weeks.” The chairman goes on TV and tells his people: “I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that God exists. The terrible news is that He is going to destroy the world in two weeks.” Bill Gates assembles all of his Microsoft employees together in Redmond and addresses them. “I have some great news and some even greater news. The great news is that God thinks that I’m one of the three most important men in the world. The even greater news is that we can finally stop trying to debug Windows” ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1198 "2014-02-22T18:58:18Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Joe, a high school teenager, gets his weekly allowance from his mother, and decides to go out and treat himself to some ice cream. Half an hour later, he returns home. > > “So Joe, what did you do?” asks his mother. > > Joe replies “I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream.” > > “Oh, that’s nice”, says his mother. > > “What flavor did you get?” > > Joe says “Strawberry.” > > Joe’s mother explodes, “Strawberry?!? Why, you little liar! Go to your room and just wait until your father gets home!” > > A few hours later, Joe’s father comes home. The mother says “You would not believe what Joe told me. He needs to be punished.” > > Joe’s father says “OK, calm down. Joe, what happened?” > > Joe says “Mom gave me my allowance, so I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream. Then I came home, and mom asked me what flavor of ice cream I got. I told her, and she got really mad, she told me to go to my room and wait for you to get home.” > > Dad says “Really? That sounds pretty unreasonable, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not in trouble. By the way, which flavor did you get?” > > “Strawberry.” > > “You little son of a bitch! How dare you lie to me? I’m so mad, I’m calling the cops!” > > A few minutes later, the cops arrive. “OK, son, tell us your side of the story.” > > Joe says “Mom gave me my allowance, so I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream. Then I came home, and mom asked me what flavor of ice cream I got. I told her, and she got really mad! So when dad got home, I told him what happened, and he got so mad that he called you! Are you going to arrest me?” > > The cops glared at Joe’s parents. “Sir, 911 is for serious emergencies only. We don’t have time to investigate petty complaints like these. Please do not waste out time like this. Another call like this and we’ll have to write you a ticket.” > > “So I’m not in trouble?” asks Joe. > > “No, son, you’re not in trouble. By the way, what flavor ice cream did you get?” > > “Strawberry.” > > “ON THE GROUND, NOW!!! Hands behind your head! Move it, scumbag!” The cops procede to taser the shit out of Joe. > > Months later, Joe is in court. The judge asks “What is this case about?” > > The defense attorney begins, “Your honor, my client is completely innocent. He got his allowance from his mother, proceded to the ice cream parlor, had ice cream, and returned home. Any reasonable person would conclude that this is a perfectly reasonable course of action for any young man. And yet, he was arrested, beaten, and tased by the arresting officers. We ask that all charges be dropped. Furthermore, we ask that charges be brought against the arresting officers.” > > The judge asks the prosecution for his opening statement. “Your honor, the prosecution has no case. We request that the case be dismissed.” > > The judge addresses Joe. “Son, the state apologizes for any inconvenience that this misunderstanding has caused. You are free to go.” > > Joe smiles, gets up, and turns to leave the courthouse. The judge says “You’re a good boy. I like ice cream too. By the way, what flavor did you get.” > > Joe mumbles “Strawberry.” > > The judge suddenly glowers. “Boy, I could have you hanged for that! But rope is too good for you. I never, ever, want to see you again. You are to leave town, and never return. You disgust me. If you ever step foot in this town again, I will personally see to it that you get the death penalty.” > > Completely dejected, Joe leaves the courthouse. As he crosses the street, he gets run over by a reckless driver and is killed. > > And the moral of this story is: > > Look both ways before crossing the street. > [@FXMastermind](#): > > I want to kill you now > [@FXMastermind](#): > > But I am so telling that one. It’s a triple burn. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > I laughed and laughed. My daughter laughed and laughed. Madame Pepperwinkle is… happy for us. It’s also NSF public libraries! Fortunately I managed to keep it to a gentle chuckle. There is a tutor and a child just behind me. They are both keeping it very quiet. I don’t want to be a bad example to the youngster. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Puzzler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d07c76/32.png) [@Puzzler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Puzzler)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2014, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1199 "2014-02-23T06:51:43Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > What should a guy do with “the pill” (birth control pill, no little blue one) > Put it in the heel of his shoe - it’ll make him limp How can a gal use an Aspirin pill as a birth control pill? Hold it tight between her knees! ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2014, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1200 "2014-02-23T15:32:13Z")
Then there’s the male morning-after pill. It changes your blood type. ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2014, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1201 "2014-02-23T17:30:10Z")
A man goes into the pharmacy and asks for an aphrodisiac. The pharmacist returns with a quart bottle and instructs the customer to take a teaspoon. The man grabs the bottle and downs the whole quart. The pharmacist shouts, “What are you doing”. The man replies, “I have a date with a nymphomaniac, and I want her to be satisfied”. The next day, the man returns to the pharmacy, drops his pants, and there is his external organ. It looks like ground beef. He asks for some Ben Gay. The pharmacist says, “You put Ben Gay on that and it will burn like hell”. The man replies, “No, it is for my arm.” “She didn’t show up”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=59) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=61)