# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 62
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1222 "2014-02-25T21:31:44Z")
Selling Shoes Hammer Heads Two blondes were building a house. One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into it. “Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?” “Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it. If it is facing away from the House, it’s defective and I throw it away.” ## "You idiot, those nails aren’t defective, they are for the other side of the house. Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention. “Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!” ---
**Author:** ![Archeonomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7cd45c/32.png) [@Archeonomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archeonomist)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1223 "2014-02-25T23:00:35Z")
My upstairs neighbour came banging on my door at 3 o clock this morning. Three in the morning!! Good thing I was still up, playing drums. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2014, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1224 "2014-02-26T03:16:35Z")
Little Johnny walks in on his mother while she’s in the bath. With eyes wide he points to the area between her legs and says “Mummy?!? What’s that?”. Mummy thinks he isn’t quite old enough to hear the facts of life just yet, so she says “That? Oh, that’s where Daddy hit me with the axe, by accident one day”. “Gee, that must have hurt, Mommy!” says little Johnny " Right in the cunt !". ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2014, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1225 "2014-02-26T04:49:18Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > I heard the joke with Lester Cleese as the final name, which makes the words a tad closer to the McDonald’s line. Lenny Reese. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1226 "2014-02-26T15:58:42Z")
Little Testy A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ‘‘Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.’’ The doctor reassured her, ‘‘A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?’’ ## ‘‘On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,’’ replied the lady. Q. What do you get when you mix Viagra and Rogain? A. Don King! ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1227 "2014-02-27T11:51:07Z")
I know this thread’s old (I could start a joke thread if the mods would rather close this one) but someone told this one to me a while ago. A woman is driving down a road and listening to the radio. The broadcaster says “Be careful driving on the road, there’s a lunatic going really fast.” So she calls her husband and says, “I was listening to the news and they said to be careful driving because there’s a lunatic driving really fast on the road.” Her husband says “What do you mean? The road’s full of them!” ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1228 "2014-02-27T12:59:22Z")
… **Morwen** , what’s considered “bad form” (of sorts and depending on the circumstances) is answering a thread when the last post is old enough to attend school. The date of the first post in it is completely irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1229 "2014-02-27T13:26:40Z")
**Morwen** also missed including the line that the lunatic was going the wrong way down the street. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1230 "2014-02-27T14:30:43Z")
It’s a current thread. Hitler’s favorite joke: Man 1: “My dog has no nose!” Man 2: “How does he smell!?” Man 1: “BAD!” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1231 "2014-02-27T15:16:24Z")
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!” The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” ## Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “Urinate… But if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!” Q. What’s got four legs and one arm? A. A Rottweiler. ---
**Author:** ![Puzzler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d07c76/32.png) [@Puzzler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Puzzler)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1232 "2014-02-27T21:20:04Z")
> [@AncientHumanoid](#): > > It’s a current thread. > Hitler’s favorite joke: > > Man 1: “My dog has no nose!” > > Man 2: “How does he smell!?” > > Man 1: “BAD!” Bad? Not “Awful”? [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/8gpjk_MaCGM/hqdefault.jpg "Monty Python - The Funniest Joke In The World") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM) ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1233 "2014-02-27T21:34:58Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > **Morwen** also missed including the line that the lunatic was going the wrong way down the street. Wait, what? There’s a version where \*that \*line turns up? ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1234 "2014-02-27T22:08:46Z")
> [@Morwen Edhelwen](#): > > Wait, what? > > There’s a version where \*that \*line turns up? Why I am I reminded of the _I Love Lucy_ episode where she tries to tell the pork chop joke? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1235 "2014-02-27T22:31:03Z")
A guy walks into a bar, settles in, and after a few drinks asks the barkeep “Hey, wanna hear an ethnic joke?” The bartender, who is a huge man covered with muscles looks him over. “Well son, just so you know, I’m ethnic. And the guy next to you at the bar is ethnic. And see the guys at the next table? They’re all ethnic too. In fact, everyone in here is ethnic because this is an ethnic bar, established by my ethnic grandfather back in 1947. Now knowing all that, are you still sure you want to tell that ethnic joke?” The man smiles and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to tell it slowly.” ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1236 "2014-02-27T22:53:41Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > Why I am I reminded of the _I Love Lucy_ episode where she tries to tell the pork chop joke? 😃 Please explain. That’s the one where she has the inferiority complex right? ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1237 "2014-02-27T23:10:21Z")
Christ, I swear [post 1218](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=17140113&postcount=1218) wasn’t there when I added mine. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1238 "2014-02-28T00:56:16Z")
> [@Puzzler](#): > > Bad? Not “Awful”? > > [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player\_detailpage&v=8gpjk\_MaCGM#t=339](http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=8gpjk_MaCGM#t=339) MY version is notarized. 😛 [works for me either way](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=17136129&postcount=1204), but it’s definitely funnier said out loud. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1239 "2014-02-28T01:26:26Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > Why I am I reminded of the _I Love Lucy_ episode where she tries to tell the pork chop joke? 😃 I am reminded of the one where she told the joke about the worm. ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1240 "2014-02-28T02:03:01Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > I am reminded of the one where she told the joke about the worm. Alright I’m getting really confused here…can someone please explain what they mean? I asked a question along the same lines a few posts up but didn’t get an answer. ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1241 "2014-02-28T02:25:01Z")
> [@Morwen Edhelwen](#): > > Alright I’m getting really confused here…can someone please explain what they mean? I asked a question along the same lines a few posts up but didn’t get an answer. EDIT: Crap… Here’s an explanation > [@](#): > > Wait, what? > > There’s a version where that line turns up? was made because the person who told me that joke told it just the way I posted it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=61) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=63)