# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 72
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1422 "2014-04-07T19:44:49Z")
What do you call Karen Carpenter with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1423 "2014-04-07T20:39:51Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > This version is by far the funniest. Reminds me of a “Twisted _ **MAD** _ Tale for Twisted _ **MAD** _ Readers.” Okay, it’s time for the [Big Orange Head joke](http://lesswrong.com/lw/3zf/the_orange_head_joke/): > [@](#): > > It’s business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. > The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head. > The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man’s life. > “Excuse me,” says the bartender, “I can’t help but notice that you’re obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?” > So the man told his story. > "A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. > "For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said ‘It is done!’ and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there. > "For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. > “For my third wish – and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up – I asked for an orange for a head.” It’s famously divisive: people either love it or totally don’t get it. For my money, it’s one of the funniest jokes I know. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1424 "2014-04-07T21:47:00Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Okay, it’s time for the [Big Orange Head joke](http://lesswrong.com/lw/3zf/the_orange_head_joke/): > > It’s famously divisive: people either love it or totally don’t get it. For my money, it’s one of the funniest jokes I know. I totally don’t get it. However, I tell a similar one. Starts out the same way, but the guy has a small head the size of an orange. Not an orange, just about that size. He had rescued a mermaid \ and for the third wish he wanted to have sex with her. She looked down at her big fin and then up at him and said, “Well, I can’t have sex.” He said, “Well, how about a little head?” ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1425 "2014-04-07T22:04:16Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Okay, it’s time for the [Big Orange Head joke](http://lesswrong.com/lw/3zf/the_orange_head_joke/): Bwahaha that is hilarious! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1426 "2014-04-07T22:26:26Z")
A guy goes into a bar every day after work for five years. Whenever he does, the ugliest dude he’s ever seen is invariably sitting in the corner, surrounded by a half-dozen gorgeous women who fawn over him. The guy is finally so pissed off he calls the bartender over. “Tell me something: I’ve come in here every day after work for the last five years and that ugly guy is always sitting over there surrounded by beautiful women. How the hell does he do it?” The bartender shrugs. “Damned if I know. All he does is come in, lick his eyebrows, and the girls just flock over to him!” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1427 "2014-04-07T22:32:16Z")
Hear about the guy who used to root for the Tractors before shifting his loyalties to another football team? He’s now an ex-Tractor fan! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1428 "2014-04-07T22:35:10Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > A guy goes into a bar every day after work for five years. Whenever he does, the ugliest dude he’s ever seen is invariably sitting in the corner, surrounded by a half-dozen gorgeous women who fawn over him. > > The guy is finally so pissed off he calls the bartender over. “Tell me something: I’ve come in here every day after work for the last five years and that ugly guy is always sitting over there surrounded by beautiful women. How the hell does he do it?” > > The bartender shrugs. “Damned if I know. All he does is come in, lick his eyebrows, and the girls just flock over to him!” :eek: Now THAT’S funny!!! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1429 "2014-04-07T22:37:57Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > What do you call Karen Carpenter with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. I thought it was an Ethiopian with a yeast infection. :dubious: What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog? A “vegetarian.” What do you call an Ethiopian walking two dogs? A “rancher.” What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A “rake.” What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump? A “show-off.” What do you call an Ethiopian stillborn in the middle of the night? “Breakfast.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2014, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1430 "2014-04-07T22:46:38Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > I totally don’t get it. However, I tell a similar one. Starts out the same way, but the guy has a small head the size of an orange. Not an orange, just about that size. He had rescued a mermaid \ and for the third wish he wanted to have sex with her. She looked down at her big fin and then up at him and said, “Well, I can’t have sex.” He said, “Well, how about a little head?” No, no, no! The guy starts out with a \*normal \*head, and the mermaid misunderstands his final wish! The guy with the orange head was wishing for a _knob_ the _size_ of an orange … right? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2014, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1431 "2014-04-08T00:02:32Z")
> [@FXMastermind](#): > > OK when I said “it was funny” I was actually being sarcastic. I thought it would be OBVIOUS since it was such a lame joke that many people wouldn’t even get. > > Now I must tell an actual funny joke to redeem myself. It’s all good, then. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1432 "2014-04-08T00:13:15Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > No, no, no! The guy starts out with a \*normal \*head, and the mermaid misunderstands his final wish! > > The guy with the orange head was wishing for a _knob_ the _size_ of an orange … right? :dubious: No. He’s just really bad at wishing. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2014, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1433 "2014-04-08T03:43:47Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > No, no, no! The guy starts out with a \*normal \*head, and the mermaid misunderstands his final wish! Turns out I misread the intro to this joke. Never mind! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2014, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1434 "2014-04-08T04:20:07Z")
A guy sends his wife a text: > [@](#): > > I got run over by a car. Paula drove me to the hospital. I have a broken arm, two broken legs, a smashed pelvis, my left foot is totally crushed and it may have to be amputated He gets a text message a few minutes later from his wife: > [@](#): > > Who’s Paula? ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2014, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1435 "2014-04-08T19:53:26Z")
What did Hellen Keller most regret reading? [This](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waffle_iron)! ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1436 "2014-04-10T09:28:08Z")
His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. “May I ask you a question my lord?” "Go ahead Carson” said his lordship. “I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.” “What word is that?” said his lordship. “Aplomb”, my lord. “Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure.” “Thank you, my lord, but I’m still a little confused.” “Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?” “I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.” “Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?” “I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.” “While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.” Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.” “That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.” “Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.” "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, “Darling is your prick still throbbing?” And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! "Now that is aplomb!” ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1437 "2014-04-10T13:05:14Z")
The wife of a computer programmer asks him to pick up a loaf of bread at a local store. She says that if they have fresh eggs to pick up a dozen. The computer programmer brings home a dozen loaves of bread. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1438 "2014-04-10T16:24:54Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > The wife of a computer programmer asks him to pick up a loaf of bread at a local store. She says that if they have fresh eggs to pick up a dozen. > > The computer programmer brings home a dozen loaves of bread. That’s a problem with the manual, obviously. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1439 "2014-04-10T18:00:12Z")
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here!” A time traveler walks into a bar. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1440 "2014-04-10T18:08:51Z")
> [@Trom](#): > > The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here!” > > A time traveler walks into a bar. Isn’t there a particle-physics variation of that? Maybe “a tachyon”? ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1441 "2014-04-10T19:28:59Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > I thought it was an Ethiopian with a yeast infection. :dubious: > > What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog? > > A “vegetarian.” How many Ethiopians can you fit in an elevator? A: All of them What’s so great about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian? A: Because you KNOW she’ll swallow [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=71) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=73)