# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 73
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1442 "2014-04-10T22:14:24Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > What did Hellen Keller most regret reading? > > [This](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waffle_iron)! Do you know what happened when Helen Keller fell into a well? ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1443 "2014-04-10T22:21:27Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Do you know what happened when Helen Keller fell into a well? She screamed her hand off. Do you know how her parents used to punish her? ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1444 "2014-04-10T22:21:55Z")
She signed “look 36 posts up.” (Post 1404) (Response to Dougie) ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1445 "2014-04-11T01:21:31Z")
Everybody knows about the George Washington Monument. But have you ever heard of the Martha Washington counterpart? It’s the _ **box** _, several hundred feet long, that George’s _ **came in!** _ ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1446 "2014-04-11T01:25:47Z")
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate 'er tit a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1447 "2014-04-11T02:00:03Z")
Aside, true story: The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall. At NASA Glenn Research Center, there is a pit for dropping things in, to briefly study the effects of zero-G. It’s 556 feet deep. Naturally, its nickname is thus the “Martha Washington Monument”. ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1448 "2014-04-11T02:21:56Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I forget how this one goes exactly, hope I tell a funny version of it. > > Joseph owned a store, and he did okay. But one night he heard a voice, saying “Joseph, sell your store.” Heh, I first heard this joke as a poker joke. Really rang true back when I was heavy into online poker. \*A farmer in the midwest was out checking his crops when he heard a voice… Voice: take your money and go to Vegas The farmer being a sane man as you and I ignored the voice but everytime he got in the field he heard it… Voice: take your money and go to Vegas After weeks and weeks the man was in the field one day Voice: take your money and go to Vegas He cracks, he goes gets his shovel goes behind the barn and digs up a jar that contains his savings: $10,000, then he goes to the airport and takes the next flight to Las Vegas. He arrives in Vegas steps out of the airport… Voice: get a cab and go to Binions, get a cab and go to Binions The man does just that, when he arrives at the casino and gets out of the cab, he hears the whisper… Voice: go inside and enter the WSOP The man does as instructed, he takes his life savings, 10Grand, and enters the main event. He sits at the table and tourny begins… he hears nothing. Then later after a few rounds as the dealer is shuffling the cards… Voice: go all in! go all in! Then without hesitation he announces hes ALL-IN. In the dark sir The dealer asked. Yes, all-in. Amazingly!, he gets four callers, the cards are dealt and man recieves the A of clubs and the A of spades. The flop comes: 9H TH JH Voice: fffuuucccckkkk!!!\* 😉 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1449 "2014-04-11T03:07:42Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > She screamed her hand off. > > Do you know how her parents used to punish her? Two ways: (a) They rearranged the furniture. (b) They left a plunger in the toilet. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1450 "2014-04-11T03:10:57Z")
What do you call a girl with one leg? Ilene. What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1451 "2014-04-11T03:18:11Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > This one’s not very P.C. anymore, but once upon a time it was one of my favorites: > > Why can’t gay men get car insurance? > > Because they’re always getting rear-ended. What are they calling the new movie about a gay Vietnam vet who goes on a rampage? _ **Rambutt.** _ ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1452 "2014-04-11T04:59:04Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > She screamed her hand off. > > Do you know how her parents used to punish her? The way I heard it, she wore her fingers to stubs yelling for help. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1453 "2014-04-11T05:06:22Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > She screamed her hand off. > > Do you know how her parents used to punish her? The way I heard it, she wore her fingers to stubs yelling for help. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1454 "2014-04-11T05:39:08Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > The way I heard it, she wore her fingers to stubs yelling for help. Before or after she burned them trying to read a waffle iron? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1455 "2014-04-11T14:06:22Z")
A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Pack your bags, I won the lottery!” The wife says, “Great! Where are we going?” Husband says, “I don’t care where you go, bitch. Just get out!” ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1456 "2014-04-11T15:02:40Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > The wife of a computer programmer asks him to pick up a loaf of bread at a local store. She says that if they have fresh eggs to pick up a dozen. > > The computer programmer brings home a dozen loaves of bread. Sorry, that’s a hardware issue. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1457 "2014-04-11T15:20:56Z")
Boyo Jim: +5 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1458 "2014-04-11T15:27:15Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Aside, true story: The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall. At NASA Glenn Research Center, there is a pit for dropping things in, to briefly study the effects of zero-G. It’s 556 feet deep. Naturally, its nickname is thus the “Martha Washington Monument”. 556 feet deep compared to 555 feet tall? Sounds like a pretty tight fit. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1459 "2014-04-11T15:51:10Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > 556 feet deep compared to 555 feet tall? Sounds like a pretty tight fit. 🆒 Especially if Martha’s mine shaft is [ribbed for extra support.](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LB8M5RhGUT8/UrQaJRGFVGI/AAAAAAAAAgE/VDg8awsNklE/s1600/Deep_Shaft.jpg) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1460 "2014-04-11T16:00:26Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Especially if Martha’s mine shaft is [ribbed for extra support.](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LB8M5RhGUT8/UrQaJRGFVGI/AAAAAAAAAgE/VDg8awsNklE/s1600/Deep_Shaft.jpg) 🙂 I was going to hold off on the inevitable prophylactic joke. Thank you. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1461 "2014-04-11T17:44:44Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Aside, true story: The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall. At NASA Glenn Research Center, there is a pit for dropping things in, to briefly study the effects of zero-G. It’s 556 feet deep. Naturally, its nickname is thus the “Martha Washington Monument”. Well, [an _almost_ true story](http://facilities.grc.nasa.gov/zerog/): > [@](#): > > The free fall is conducted inside of a 467 foot (142 m) long steel vacuum chamber. The chamber is 20 ft (6.1 m) in diameter and resides inside of a 28.5 ft (8.7 m) diameter concrete lined shaft, which extends 510 feet (155 m) below ground level. The way I heard the joke (ca. 1970) was pretty basic: Q. What’s the Martha Washington Monument? A. It’s a 555-foot hole in the ground. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=72) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=74)