# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 74
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1462 "2014-04-11T22:39:12Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Pack your bags, I won the lottery!” > The wife says, “Great! Where are we going?” > Husband says, “I don’t care where you go, bitch. Just get out!” Yeah, she’s a bitch–look at her taste in men. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2014, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1463 "2014-04-11T22:44:34Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Before or after she burned them trying to read a waffle iron? 😃 Proibably “instead of.” I was told a similar one by a friend of mine–the daughter of the family who recommended I go to see _Back to the Future._ I had told her this one: Q\> Why did Natalie Wood refuse to shower on the boat? A. She wanted to wash up on shore. She topped me, with this: Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater as a gift. In his thank-you note he wrote, “This is the most violent novel I have ever read.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1464 "2014-04-14T16:33:09Z")
I just changed my password to MickeyMinnieGoofyPlutoDonaldHueyLouieDeweySacremento. It said I had to use 8 characters and a capital. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1465 "2014-04-14T16:47:48Z")
Some true stories never die. Esther Pauline “Eppie” Lederer, known to the world as _Ann Landers_, syndicated advice columnist, was also the author of a number of books. (For instance, [this one](http://www.amazon.com/Ann-Landers-Encyclopedia-Emotionally-Spiritually/dp/0385129513/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1397493927&sr=1-9&keywords=ann+landers).) Once a brash young man wrote a letter inquiring about one of her books yet unread by him, and made a very generous offer. “Why don’t you send me a copy of your book, **and if it’s any good** , I’ll send you a check.” :dubious: Ann’s answer was quite apropos. She had a much different take on the situation: Send me a check… and if the check is any good… ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1466 "2014-04-14T17:01:34Z")
Two old men were rocking on the porch. “Say, Hank,” Joe asked the other man, “did you ever manage to do anything about those memory lapses you were having?” “Sure did, Joe” Hank said proudly. “The doctor gave me some new medicine and it fixed me right up.” “Really?” Joe said. “What’s the name of the medicine?” Hank frowned.“Hmm. Wait - you know those flowers, long stem, thorns, open real pretty, give 'em on Valentine’s day?” “Um, roses?” Joe guessed. “That’s right,” Hank said, and turned to the open door. “Rose? Rose, honey? What’s the name of that medicine the doctor give me?” ---
**Author:** ![ThisUsernameIsForbidden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ThisUsernameIsForbidden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisUsernameIsForbidden)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1467 "2014-04-14T18:04:52Z")
From a movie: A child and a pedophile are walking in the woods together. It’s starting to get dark when the child says, “I’m getting scared of these dark woods.” To which the pedophile replies, “Yeah, just think about how I feel–I’ve got to walk out of here alone.” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1468 "2014-04-14T18:21:39Z")
A man arrives home to discover his girlfriend’s thrown all his clothes out into the street. Aghast, he asks what’s wrong, and she replies, “I’m breaking up with you!” “Why so?” “Because I just found out you’re a convicted pedophile!” The man responds: “Geez, that’s a big word for a ten-year-old.” ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1469 "2014-04-14T20:58:27Z")
## Oh, man… I leave for a couple of days and the kids take over the site! Call in sick Kung Chow called his boss and said: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work.” The boss says: “Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.” ## Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house. Q. What’s six inches long that women just can’t get enough of? A. Folding money. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1470 "2014-04-14T21:13:11Z")
## Cheez-it, the old man’s home! :eek: You posted this TWO WEEKS ago, and then left without an answer: > [@parkega3](#): > > Question… > > Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? And it better be a good one! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1471 "2014-04-15T03:31:03Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > Question… > > Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Because everybody knows he’s not gay? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1472 "2014-04-15T05:16:24Z")
Two teenagers are sitting in a dark cinema in LA when Kirsten Dunst comes on screen. “Hey, dude!” whispers one kid to his buddy. “I’ve had her, y’know?” A few minutes later, Scarlett Johansen comes on the screen. “Hey, dude!” he whispers again. “I’ve had her too, y’know?” A few minutes later, Kate Hudson comes on the screen. “Whoa!” he whispers again. “I’ve had her too, y’know?” A few minutes later, Jessica Alba comes on the screen. “Hey, man!” whispers the kid’s buddy. “Have you had her too?” “Ssssssssh, quiet, dude!” whispers the first kid. “I’m having her right now, y’know?” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1473 "2014-04-15T07:53:04Z")
I may be getting whooshed here. > [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > You posted this TWO WEEKS ago, and then left without an answer: > > And it better be a good one! 😃 It’s not that kind of joke. It’s one of those George Carlin type jokes like “Why do you park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?” or “Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1474 "2014-04-15T08:03:20Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > Call in sick > > Kung Chow called his boss and said: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work.” > > The boss says: “Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.” > > Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house. A guy calls in to work and tells his boss, “I can’t come in to work today. I’m sick in bed.” After the boss hangs up, he’s thinking, “He didn’t sound like he was sick. I’m going to go over to his house and check on him.” So the boss goes over and sneaks up to the bedroom window to look inside. And he’s shocked to see his employee dressed up in a Nazi uniform and sodomizing a pig. “What the Hell are you doing?” “Don’t act surprised. I told you I was sick in bed.” ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1475 "2014-04-15T15:30:35Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > Some true stories never die. > > Esther Pauline “Eppie” Lederer, known to the world as _Ann Landers_, syndicated advice columnist, was also the author of a number of books. (For instance, [this one](http://www.amazon.com/Ann-Landers-Encyclopedia-Emotionally-Spiritually/dp/0385129513/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1397493927&sr=1-9&keywords=ann+landers).) > > Once a brash young man wrote a letter inquiring about one of her books yet unread by him, and made a very generous offer. > > “Why don’t you send me a copy of your book, **and if it’s any good** , I’ll send you a check.” > > :dubious: > > Ann’s answer was quite apropos. She had a much different take on the situation: > > Send me a check… and if the check is any good… Similar story told about Winston Churchill. A playwright invited Churchill to the opening night of his play. The invitation included, “Bring a friend…if you have one.” Churchill wrote back, “Sorry I can’t make opening night, but I’ll come the second night…if there is one.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1476 "2014-04-15T15:45:38Z")
I was at a play once, where the director introduced it by saying “If you like the play, tell your friends to come see us. If you don’t like it, tell your enemies to come see us.”. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1477 "2014-04-15T17:17:12Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Similar story told about Winston Churchill. > > A playwright invited Churchill to the opening night of his play. The invitation included, “Bring a friend…if you have one.” > > Churchill wrote back, “Sorry I can’t make opening night, but I’ll come the second night…if there is one.” I came across something similar about a cutting reply to an author bragging publicly about a fresh work of his. It’s in a collection called “The Game of Words” by William R. Espy. I’ll have to look it up to get it right. Meanwhile… The late, great Isaac Asimov, a very prolific writer, would always start his essays on science, math, technology and societal observations with an anecdote. For example: Once he was greeting students on a campus before giving his scheduled talk. As usual, his favorite topic of conversation came up. Himself. _You know_, he said, _I always find it hard to tear myself away from my typewriter. You don’t know how hard it was to persuade me to come out here tonight_. (paraphrased) There was one particularly outspoken student up in the front. He had a different take on the situation. _Yeah, well_, he began, _You don’t know how hard it was to get some of us out here tonight!_ :o ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1478 "2014-04-15T19:28:53Z")
Robert Benchley made this observation about the long-running play _Abie’s Irish Rose:_ “See Hebrews 13:8.” ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2014, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1479 "2014-04-15T19:33:10Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Aside, true story: The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall. At NASA Glenn Research Center, there is a pit for dropping things in, to briefly study the effects of zero-G. It’s 556 feet deep. Naturally, its nickname is thus the “Martha Washington Monument”. I’ve seen the 0G lab, was part of a rewiring project when I was an intern there. The bottom of the pit is full of ‘deceleration material’: styrofoam beads like for bean bags. My mentor did not mention the nickname tho… ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2014, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1480 "2014-04-16T02:47:57Z")
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk… ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2014, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1481 "2014-04-16T05:42:04Z")
Why won’t African-Americans go on cruise ships? Oh-ho, they’re not fallin’ for **that** again! :mad: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=73) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=75)