# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 77
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2014, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1522 "2014-04-24T21:22:24Z")
And I have a can of gasoline that is simultaneously flammable and inflammable. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1523 "2014-04-25T06:47:25Z")
A collage class was told they had to write a story in as few words as possible. The instructions were; The short story had to contain the following three things; (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery Below is the only A+ story in the entire class. ``` "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it" ``` ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1524 "2014-04-25T10:14:51Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Similar to yours, Partkega: > > A florist’s assistant was handling phone orders. A customer called to order flowers for a funeral and wanted a long banner with a message. > “I want the banner in white with gold lettering,” said the customer. "I want it to read ‘REST IN PEACE’ on both sides, and, if there is room, “WE SHALL MEET IN HEAVEN.'” > The assistant took the order. > The flowers were delivered to the funeral with a banner reading: > REST IN PEACE ON BOTH SIDES > IF THERE IS ROOM WE SHALL MEET IN HEAVEN Similarly, a Yorkshire stonemason was hired to carve a tombstone for a man’s wife, and he was told that the caption should be “LORD, SHE WAS THINE”. But when the stone was delivered the caption actually read “LORD, SHE WAS THIN”. So the bereaved husband complained “You’ve left off the E!”, and the stonemason set to work to fix the mistake… and the gravestone subsequently read “EE LORD, SHE WAS THIN”. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1525 "2014-04-25T14:02:22Z")
> [@parkega3](#): > > ## JKellyMap - good one! > > Santa’s Flight Check > > Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. > > In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test. > > The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harness, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. > > Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to everyone’s surprise, a shotgun! > > “What in the world is that for??” asked Santa. > > The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.” Is this one that only aviators are supposed to get? Cause I’m stumped. I concede, even if you explain the punch line, I probably won’t laugh… but I’d appreciate an explanation anyway. ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1526 "2014-04-25T14:08:31Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > Is this one that only aviators are supposed to get? Cause I’m stumped. > > I concede, even if you explain the punch line, I probably won’t laugh… but I’d appreciate an explanation anyway. I was assuming that it was a reference to pilots being tested (usually on simulators?) with all kinds of worst-case scenarios, including engines dying during takeoff or just before landing. In this case, since there’s no Santa sleigh simulator, the examiner is going for a test flight in the real thing, and is going to enforce an ‘engine failure’ the old-fashioned-way: shooting a reindeer. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1527 "2014-04-25T15:29:38Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Like. This is quite couth. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1528 "2014-04-25T16:10:19Z")
> [@chrisk](#): > > I was assuming that it was a reference to pilots being tested (usually on simulators?) with all kinds of worst-case scenarios, including engines dying during takeoff or just before landing. In this case, since there’s no Santa sleigh simulator, the examiner is going for a test flight in the real thing, and is going to enforce an ‘engine failure’ the old-fashioned-way: shooting a reindeer. :eek: Okay, still not hilarious to a non-pilot (and explaining any joke never reeally helps), but that makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1529 "2014-04-25T16:58:30Z")
Teacher asks her first graders to use the word Beautiful _twice_ in the same sentence. Little Sally says: “mommy said I look beautiful in my beautiful dress” Little Jane says: “it was a beautiful day so mommy took us on a beautiful picnic” Little Johnny says: "well… last night my sister told my dad she was pregnant and Dad said “beautiful, fucking beautiful.” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1530 "2014-04-25T18:42:51Z")
A Frenchman stops a passerby on a street and asks, “Pardon me, Monsieur–what eez a polar bear?” _"Polar bear?_ That’s a big, white, furry animal that lives up near the North Pole, sits on a cake of ice and eats fish all day." “Zat _settles_ eet!” the Frenchman says angrily. “I weel not be eet.” “What are you talking about?” “Ah, I was invited to be ze polar bear at ze funeral. But I weel not be eet.” ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1531 "2014-04-27T13:35:08Z")
I read that the local flasher was going to retire, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out till Christmas. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1532 "2014-04-27T23:17:41Z")
> [@Duke\_of\_York](#): > > I read that the local flasher was going to retire, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out till Christmas. Another one said to a passerby, “It’s really cold today–you mind if I just describe myself?” ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2014, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1533 "2014-04-27T23:22:15Z")
A flasher exposed himself to two nuns. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun’s arms were too short to reach. ---
**Author:** ![parkega3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c0e974/32.png) [@parkega3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parkega3)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1534 "2014-04-28T14:44:56Z")
Watching Ducks Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “Welcome. We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on any of the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and lean. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” ## The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!” How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1535 "2014-04-28T14:57:36Z")
How do you spot the new guy at a nudist colony? He sticks out like a sore thumb. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1536 "2014-04-28T16:13:25Z")
> [@Duke\_of\_York](#): > > A collage class was told they had to write a story in as few words as possible. The instructions were; > The short story had to contain the following three things; > (1) Religion > (2) Sexuality > (3) Mystery > Below is the only A+ story in the entire class. > > “Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it” British slight embellishment on this one: fourth requirement – snobby involvement of the upper classes. “My God, said the Duchess, I’m pregnant, whodunnit?” ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1537 "2014-04-28T17:27:08Z")
Speaking of college classes, this is a class-ic: One prof decided to have a single question for his Philosophy final exam. Students would be graded half by it and half by a combination of previous tests and assignments. As he wrote the question on the board he reminded everyone to put their name on the first page of the blank [blue book](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_book_exam) already present on each desk, and pointed out that there was no requirement of length of answer, either way. (Students were aware from the class that he preferred brevity, though.) \*PROVE THAT YOU EXIST. \* One gal froze at first. She felt she had never tested well, and open-ended questions were especially intimidating to her. The minutes ticked by, and she finally brightened up. She quietly asked the professor to be excused and went to the nearest copier, rather than a washroom. When the prof came to her exam paper, he saw that she had written _ **This** _ as the only word in her answer. But he saw something else, attached with a paperclip… [spoiler]A folded photocopy of a small document was enclosed. Was it her… Drivers license or non-driver ID? Birth Certificate or Baptismal Certificate? Certificate of achievement? Nope! Payment notice for her credit card! [/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2014, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1538 "2014-04-28T23:07:33Z")
Need I say she received an A+ on the exam? And the prof decided to skip the usual averaging concerning her constant struggle to hold onto B- for the course work. He decided on an A, and only because the school system did not go up to A+. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![turtlescanfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@turtlescanfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turtlescanfly)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2014, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1539 "2014-04-29T00:14:27Z")
> [@Trans Fat Og](#): > > Speaking of college classes, this is a class-ic: > > One prof decided to have a single question for his Philosophy final exam. Students would be graded half by it and half by a combination of previous tests and assignments. > > As he wrote the question on the board he reminded everyone to put their name on the first page of the blank [blue book](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_book_exam) already present on each desk, and pointed out that there was no requirement of length of answer, either way. (Students were aware from the class that he preferred brevity, though.) > > \*PROVE THAT YOU EXIST. \* > > One gal froze at first. She felt she had never tested well, and open-ended questions were especially intimidating to her. > > The minutes ticked by, and she finally brightened up. She quietly asked the professor to be excused and went to the nearest copier, rather than a washroom. > > When the prof came to her exam paper, he saw that she had written _ **This** _ as the only word in her answer. But he saw something else, attached with a paperclip… > > [spoiler]A folded photocopy of a small document was enclosed. > > Was it her… > > Drivers license or non-driver ID? > Birth Certificate or Baptismal Certificate? > Certificate of achievement? > > Nope! > > Payment notice for her credit card! > [/spoiler] Heard a similar anecdote (can’t speak to its truthfulness). Same set up… philosophy class, final exam, professor places a 12oz can if Coke on the front desk and gives them a single task “Prove that this can exists.” Students frantically start scribbling all they can think of regarding the nature of existence. But one student writes briefly, then confidently walks up front to turn in her exam book. Written inside? “What can?” ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2014, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1540 "2014-04-29T00:56:13Z")
Is alphabet soup wasted on the illiterate? It was so cold last winter I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2014, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1541 "2014-04-29T11:29:58Z")
Alphabet soup? More like times new ramen, amiright? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=76) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=78)