# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 79
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1562 "2014-05-09T13:07:53Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > The elementary school class was set the exercise of writing a short story to illustrate the meaning of the word “frugal”. Little Johnny, however, had not been listening in class, and only had a vague idea what the word meant. He was pretty sure, though, that it had something to do with saving. This was his story: > Once upon a time a brave knight was riding through the countryside. He came to a big tower. There was a princess in the tower, and she cried out to the knight, “Frugal me! Frugal me!” > > So he climbed up the tower and frugaled her, and they lived happily ever after. Another class was studying the Saxon Kings of England and were set a homework assignment on Alfred the Great. The teacher said “Please, whatever you do, don’t drag in the old story about how Alfred burnt the cakes. I have read that about five hundred times over the years and I do not need to read it again”. So one student submitted a beautifully researched and written essay that concluded “One day when King Alfred was out walking, he met a peasant woman, who invited him into her house. I am not allowed to say what happened next”. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2014, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1563 "2014-05-13T12:55:23Z")
A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba. “How did it go?” asked his father. “Great,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘C’.” The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson. “Terrific,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘G’.” The following week the child didn’t come home. The father was frantic with worry when the child didn’t come home until 2:00 AM. “Where in heck have you been ,” shouted the father. “I had a gig!!” answered the son. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2014, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1564 "2014-05-13T13:30:52Z")
There’s a low brass player in the house who’s going to hear that joke and say, “Yeah? And?” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2014, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1565 "2014-05-14T19:18:00Z")
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? Because he wanted to get a long little doggie. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1566 "2014-05-15T01:03:58Z")
Why would a tuba player be fired from an office job? He’s a low character, below the staff, and spends too mcuh time resting. How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. ---
**Author:** ![jharvey963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/54ee81/32.png) [@jharvey963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jharvey963)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2014, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1567 "2014-05-15T23:25:08Z")
This one has some bad language in it, so I’ll spoiler the punch line. A teacher is teaching her students the alphabet. She goes through the alphabet from start to finish, asking anyone if they know a word that starts with that letter. In her class, she has a little boy named Johnny who has a very dirty mouth. So when she asks for a word starting with “A”, Johnny waves his hand saying “teacher! teacher!”. The teacher knows what word he is going to come up, so she calls on someone else. Then she asks for a word starting with “B”. Again, Johnny waves his hand saying “teacher! teacher!”. Again, the teacher knows what word he is going to come up, so she calls on someone else. It goes this way until the teacher finally reaches the letter “R”. She can’t come up with any dirty word starting with “R”, so she finally calls on Johnny. His answer: Rats! Big Fucking Rats, with Cocks THIS LONG! I warned you. 🙂 J. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1568 "2014-05-16T05:03:43Z")
Ok, here’s one I read recently. I tried to tone it down a little: So I was 16 and still a virgin. Got a text from gf asking if I wanted to come over. Went over, nobody else home. Girlfriend was in some hot halloween costume. “So what’s up” I said She replied “I tell ya whats going to be up soon” She grabbed me by my belt and pulled me upstairs. Got in her room, she took off my jeans. We began having sex on her bed. She started moaning and screaming. Suddenly, her dad walked in. Oh fuck. I couldn’t hear him because she was screaming too much. Dad gives me the look of a suicide bomber before he explodes. I start putting on my jeans as fast as I can. He doesnt waste any time and grabs me by neck. “DAD STOP” I can’t breathe, think this is it for me. He throws me out of the window. Glass is everywhere Ripped jeans, skin was showing Hot night, wind was blowing Where you think you’re going baby? ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1569 "2014-05-16T11:48:13Z")
And _then_ what happened? ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1570 "2014-05-16T12:24:07Z")
> [@Amateur Barbarian](#): > > There’s a low brass player in the house who’s going to hear that joke and say, “Yeah? And?” And a percussionist who - ooh! Shiny! BANG, CRASH, BANG, CRASH. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1571 "2014-05-16T12:33:20Z")
> [@AaronX](#): > > Ok, here’s one I read recently. I tried to tone it down a little: > > So I was 16 and still a virgin. Got a text from gf asking if I wanted to come over. > > Went over, nobody else home. Girlfriend was in some hot halloween costume. > > “So what’s up” I said > She replied “I tell ya whats going to be up soon” > > She grabbed me by my belt and pulled me upstairs. Got in her room, she took off my jeans. We began having sex on her bed. She started moaning and screaming. > > Suddenly, her dad walked in. Oh fuck. I couldn’t hear him because she was screaming too much. > > Dad gives me the look of a suicide bomber before he explodes. I start putting on my jeans as fast as I can. He doesnt waste any time and grabs me by neck. > “DAD STOP” > I can’t breathe, think this is it for me. He throws me out of the window. > Glass is everywhere > Ripped jeans, skin was showing > Hot night, wind was blowing > Where you think you’re going baby? I’m afraid this whooshed right over me. If this joke is supposed to be complete, I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1572 "2014-05-16T13:16:09Z")
^ I think Dad’s insinuating a really bizarre threesome. ::Ick:: ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1573 "2014-05-16T13:21:54Z")
Guy heads straight to the bar after a long day at work. It’s still early, so he has no problem finding a spot to himself at the end. Sipping his drink he hears a voice say “Hey, nice shirt!” Weird. Nobody around. He shrugs it off. Little while later, same voice: “That’s a sharp looking tie!” “Wow,” the guy thinks…“Been a long day, I’m hearing things.” Takes another sip of his drink. Not too much later, the voice says “That shirt’s a great color on you!” The guy’s had enough, “Bartender! C’mere!” Bartenders strolls over, “What’s up bub?” “I’m sitting here minding my own business, nobody else around. I keep hearing this voice, saying nice shirt, nice tie, like your haircut…what’s going on in this bar?” “Oooohhh,” bartender says, “Must be the peanuts.” “They’re complimentary.” ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1574 "2014-05-16T13:54:30Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Guy heads straight to the bar after a long day at work. It’s still early, so he has no problem finding a spot to himself at the end. > > Sipping his drink he hears a voice say “Hey, nice shirt!” > > Weird. Nobody around. He shrugs it off. > > Little while later, same voice: “That’s a sharp looking tie!” > > “Wow,” the guy thinks…“Been a long day, I’m hearing things.” Takes another sip of his drink. > > Not too much later, the voice says “That shirt’s a great color on you!” > > The guy’s had enough, “Bartender! C’mere!” > > Bartenders strolls over, “What’s up bub?” > > “I’m sitting here minding my own business, nobody else around. I keep hearing this voice, saying nice shirt, nice tie, like your haircut…what’s going on in this bar?” > > “Oooohhh,” bartender says, “Must be the peanuts.” > > “They’re complimentary.” Matter of fact… the guy’s ego is so bolstered by the nice things he heard he decides to go back to that same bar the very next night… This time, when he orders his drink he hears… “Those are the grossest looking shoes I ever saw.” Astounded, he sips his drink & waits. Then a bit later “Man, you sure are ugly.” and after a pause “Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?” Again, the bewildered man summons the bartender: “Bartender! C’mere!” The bartender strolls over, “What’s up bub?” The guy says " What happened to the peanuts?!" “Ohhhhhhh” says the bartender. Well, the peanuts have the night off, but …I think the cigarette machine is out of order." ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1575 "2014-05-16T14:52:07Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > I’m afraid this whooshed right over me. If this joke is supposed to be complete, I don’t get it. Ok sorry those lines are from the song “Call Me Maybe”. It’s supposed to be like a twist. Looks like this song isn’t that popular ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1576 "2014-05-16T15:07:35Z")
> [@AaronX](#): > > Ok sorry those lines are from the song “Call Me Maybe”. It’s supposed to be like a twist. Looks like this song isn’t that popular I know the song, recognized the words, and still have no idea how it serves as a punchline to that setup. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1577 "2014-05-16T16:08:07Z")
I guess the punchline is that the lyrics referring to a dreamy muscular sexy male body in a female’s fantasy can also be referring to a half-naked teenager running from a date’s angry parent? ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1578 "2014-05-16T17:54:15Z")
> [@AaronX](#): > > Ok sorry those lines are from the song “Call Me Maybe”. It’s supposed to be like a twist. Looks like this song isn’t that popular I know **of** the song. I think it’s aimed more at the teen market, and the average age of posters here at the Dope is in the early to mid 40s, as best as we can tell. We know the songs that were aimed at the teen market 25 years ago, though. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1579 "2014-05-16T19:48:51Z")
> [@AaronX](#): > > Ok sorry those lines are from the song “Call Me Maybe”. It’s supposed to be like a twist. Looks like this song isn’t that popular I’m sure 2011 was very fond of the joke. ---
**Author:** ![Randolph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Randolph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randolph)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2014, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1580 "2014-05-16T21:06:45Z")
This one is best spoken out loud (or not, as it’s quite potentially offensive and not for polite company), as the proper written formatting would kinda spoil it: Guy: What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty nine year olds? Dude: I dunno, what? Guy: Dude! There’s _twenty_ of’em! ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2014, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1581 "2014-05-17T01:07:19Z")
Millionaire Texas cattleman is driving his HUGE convertible somewhere in Maine. He sees a farmer working on a fence at the side of the road, and pulls over for directions, but instead asks him: Hey, son, might I ask how big yer property is? Farmer says, pointing: Well it goes down to the crick there, runs along the crick fer a spell, goes about thousand feet to the road ya came down and right back t’here. Tex says: Hell, son, you know, I can get in my car at the crack of dawn, drive 'til the sun goes down and still not reach the end of m’land. Farmer says: Ayuh, I had a car like that, once. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=78) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=80)