# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/142 "2013-01-04T21:51:41Z")
Why do WASP women always have crow’s feet? From frowning whenever they say “Suck _what_?!?” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/143 "2013-01-04T21:57:23Z")
Why does a bride always smile as she walks down the aisle? Because she knows she’s given her last blow job. ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/144 "2013-01-04T21:59:14Z")
During WWII, an American pilot stationed in Britain fell in love with one of the WRENs on his base… and as soon as the war was over they decided to marry. Now, it turned out that she was from some minor nobility, so there was a lot of detail to memorize and pomp to go through, and it made our hero a bit nervous; so he turned to the British sergeant he knew from the war and asked him to go through the routine with him. So the sergeant tells him – “don’t worry, the family will take care of everything; you just enjoy the evening and do as your told. The only part you have to remember is after the ceremony, which will be on the Family grounds, you will be given adjoining rooms in a private section of the house. Once you’ve given her a bit of time to settle in, you should go to the adjoining door, knock on it, and declare ‘I offer my honour’. She will response to you: ‘I honour your offer.’ You open the door and go in.” The pilot asks “And then, what happens next?” And the sergeant says Well, I reckon that then it will be on 'er and off 'er all night… ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/145 "2013-01-05T02:54:07Z")
A priest and a lawyer both die and go to heaven. When the lawyer arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter gives him a large white limousine which will drive him to his spacious mansion filled with cooks and gardeners and servants who will see to his every need. When the priest arrives, Saint Peter gives him an old bicycle and directs him to his small house, which is little more than a ramshackle shack. The priest complains, “My Lord, I have served you all my days. Why are you giving me a bicycle and a ramshackle shack, when you gave the lawyer a limousine and a mansion?” Saint Peter looks at the priest and says, "My son, we have millions of priests here. But this is our _very first lawyer!"_ ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/146 "2013-01-05T04:50:56Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > A JEDR (Joke Ethnic Designation or Religion) falls in love… The butt of many of my cousin’s jokes is a Person of a Certain Ethnic Persuasion. Or perhaps you prefer: Q: What does a Spoiled Young Woman of a Certain Ethno-Religious Background think as she’s having sex? A: “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige…” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/147 "2013-01-05T08:02:08Z")
Have you read the book called, “Damn it, Jim!” It’s by Ima Doktor and Nada Bricklayer. ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/148 "2013-01-05T08:23:13Z")
There’s a long line at the airport of people waiting to get their boarding passes, and a well-dressed gentleman walks up to the line and cuts in front. The lady behind the counter says, in her best customer-service voice, “I’m sorry, sir, there’s already a queue behind you waiting.” The man starts getting indignant. “Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” The lady gets on the PA. “Attention, everybody. We have a gentleman here at the Delta Airlines counter who does _not know who he is._ If anyone can identify this gentleman, please make your way to the Delta Airlines counter.” Everyone in line starts laughing, and the man turns beet-red. He leans over to the lady and says, “Fuck you.” Without missing a beat, the lady replies in the most friendly customer-service voice possible: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to wait in line for _that,_ too.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/149 "2013-01-05T09:27:01Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the British prime minister, and the Israeli prime minister, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks. > > The President goes on TV and says, “My fellow Americans, God has told me that the world will come to an end in just two weeks. Let us all pray, get our affairs in order, and bring the history of this great republic to a close with dignity and honor.” > > The British leader goes on TV and says, “Although I’m frightfully sorry to tell you this, dear friends, it seems that we might be in for a spot of bother in a fortnight. Just a word to the wise, mind you.” > > The Israeli prime minister goes on TV and says, “My fellow Israelis, I have wonderful news! We now know that we will never have to give up a single inch of our territory to the Palestinians again!” Here’s the way I heard it: God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the Chinese Chairman, and Bill Gates, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks. The President goes on TV and tells the people: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that THERE IS A GOD! and He has made himself known to me. The bad news is he’s destroying the world in two weeks.” The chairman goes on TV and tells his people: “I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that God exists. The terrible news is that He is going to destroy the world in two weeks.” Bill Gates assembles all of his Microsoft employees together in Redmond and addresses them. “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that the world is going to end in two weeks. The good news is that God thinks that I’m one of the three most important men in the world.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/150 "2013-01-05T10:18:51Z")
> [@Noone\_Special](#): > > During WWII, an American pilot stationed in Britain fell in love with one of the WRENs on his base… and as soon as the war was over they decided to marry. > Now, it turned out that she was from some minor nobility, so there was a lot of detail to memorize and pomp to go through, and it made our hero a bit nervous; so he turned to the British sergeant he knew from the war and asked him to go through the routine with him. > > So the sergeant tells him – “don’t worry, the family will take care of everything; you just enjoy the evening and do as your told. > The only part you have to remember is after the ceremony, which will be on the Family grounds, you will be given adjoining rooms in a private section of the house. > Once you’ve given her a bit of time to settle in, you should go to the adjoining door, knock on it, and declare ‘I offer my honour’. > She will response to you: ‘I honour your offer.’ You open the door and go in.” > > The pilot asks “And then, what happens next?” > > And the sergeant says Well, I reckon that then it will be on 'er and off 'er all night… Similarly… He offered his honor She honored his offer So all night long He was on her and off her ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/151 "2013-01-05T10:26:08Z")
> [@Noone\_Special](#): > > During WWII, an American pilot stationed in Britain fell in love with one of the WRENs on his base… and as soon as the war was over they decided to marry. Nitpick (this being the Dope and all): on an Air Force base she would have been a WAAF. WRENs are Navy (my cousin was one, tho’ not during the war). ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/152 "2013-01-05T10:38:26Z")
What’s a pronoun? A noun that has lost its amateur status. ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/153 "2013-01-05T12:48:43Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > A man comes home from work to find his naked wife sliding up and down the bannister. “What are you doing?” he askes. His wife replies “Warming up your dinner.” … waitaminnit! How do you slide UP a bannister? ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/154 "2013-01-05T15:00:49Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Q: What does a Spoiled Young Woman of a Certain Ethno-Religious Background think as she’s having sex? > A: “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige…” What’s her favorite position? Over the checkbook. What’s her second favorite position? Facing Bloomingdale’s. When does it get really HOT in her bedroom? When the air conditioning breaks. What’s her idea of perfect sex? Simultaneous headaches. How does she cheat on her husband? She has a headache with the mailman. What’s the difference between her and a toilet? A toilet doesn’t have droopy boobs. What’s another difference between her and a toilet? A toilet doesn’t follow you around after you’re through using it. How does she entertain? With a little whine and cheese. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/155 "2013-01-05T19:28:08Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Drunk guy walks up to a cop and says, “Shomeone shtole my car!” > > Officer says, “Where did you see it last?” > > “It was right on the end of this key!” > > The cop says, “Alright, well you better go on down to the precint house, they’ll give you all the proper forms and such so you can make a report.” The drunk turns to stagger off and the cop adds, “Hang on! Before you go, you better zip up that fly!” > > “Aww, man. They got my girl too!” Far out! Now my next one is about playing five card stud!🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/156 "2013-01-05T20:27:33Z")
Q: What has four legs and chases cats? A: Mrs. Katz and her lawyer. Better as a spoken than a written joke, obviously. ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2013, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/157 "2013-01-06T02:17:09Z")
What’s big and green and has wheels? A golf course - I lied about the wheels. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/158 "2013-01-06T18:43:41Z")
One from Cad Jr. I have six legs, four arms and am green. What am I? A liar ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/159 "2013-01-06T19:39:28Z")
> [@Saint\_Cad](#): > > One from Cad Jr. > > I have six legs, four arms and am green. What am I? > > A liar Awesome! ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2013, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/160 "2013-01-27T18:40:08Z")
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’ ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/161 "2013-07-21T20:30:10Z")
A man looks glum, his friend asks what’s wrong. The man says “I got a call from some guy, he said to stop sleeping with his wife or he’d kill me.” Friend “Oh, that’s too bad.” Man: “The worst part is, he didn’t say who his wife was.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=9)