# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 82
**Author:** ![Zyanthia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Zyanthia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyanthia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2014, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1622 "2014-06-10T19:03:26Z")
Momma skunk had two baby boys she named “In” and “Out”. Whenever In was in, Out was out and whenever Out was in, In was out. One day while In was out and Out was in, momma skunk finished dinner and asked Out to find his brother In. Out was Out for only a few seconds before he came back in with In. “My that was fast!” Momma skunk exclaimed, “However did you find your brother so fast?” "It was easy, " Out replied, “In stinked”. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2014, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1623 "2014-06-10T20:43:44Z")
(To be told very carefully in a cut-glass Women’s Institute voice making sure not to perpetrate a slip of the tongue.) Peter the python lived in a pit with his mummy. One day he said “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.” So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hissed, and then came back and settled down in his own pit, until later he said again, “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.” So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hissed, and then came back and settled down in his own pit, until later he said again, “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.” So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit, but before he could hiss, Mrs Potts came back and said “Peter, what are you doing in my pit?” and Peter said “I came to your pit to hiss,” and Mrs Potts said “Peter, don’t you dare hiss in my pit. If you want to hiss, go to your own pit and hiss there!” So Peter went back to his own pit and his mummy said “Peter, have you hissed?” and he said “No, Mummy, Mrs Potts said I was not to hiss in her pit, and if I wanted to hiss, I had to go to my own pit and hiss.” And Peter’s mummy said, “Mrs Potts said that? Well, I never! And to think I used to know her back when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!”. ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2014, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1624 "2014-06-10T21:13:59Z")
Here’s a good one: Hillary Clinton claims she and Bill were “dead broke” at times. “In an interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer that aired on Monday, Mrs. Clinton said she and former President Bill Clinton were ‘dead broke’ and “struggled to piece together the resources” for mortgages in pricey Washington and the New York suburbs and their daughter Chelsea’s tuition at prestigious Stanford University.” > **[Launching book tour, Clinton talks money, Monica, Benghazi | CNN Politics](https://www.cnn.com/2014/06/10/politics/pol-hillary-clinton-interview/index.html?hpt=hp_t3)** > > Hillary Clinton kicked off her “Hard Choices” book tour on Monday by doing what most high-profile politicians considering a presidential run do. I spose its a lot like the time she was “under enemy fire” too. As in, only in her own mind. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1625 "2014-06-10T23:36:37Z")
> [@SerafinaPekala](#): > > Here’s a good one: Hillary Clinton claims she and Bill were “dead broke” at times. > > “In an interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer that aired on Monday, Mrs. Clinton said she and former President Bill Clinton were ‘dead broke’ and “struggled to piece together the resources” for mortgages in pricey Washington and the New York suburbs and their daughter Chelsea’s tuition at prestigious Stanford University.” > [http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/10/politics/pol-hillary-clinton-interview/index.html?hpt=hp\_t3](http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/10/politics/pol-hillary-clinton-interview/index.html?hpt=hp_t3) > > I spose its a lot like the time she was “under enemy fire” too. As in, only in her own mind. If you want to rail on Ms. Clinton, start a new thread. You’re out of line in this one. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2014, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1626 "2014-06-11T02:04:40Z")
They say the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe a thousand years ago, and the Scots never caught on. > [@](#): > > To all those who think grammar doesn’t matter, there’s a big difference between “I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse” and “I helped my uncle jack off his horse.” > [@](#): > > Q: “Why hasn’t Jesus come back?” > > A: “He tries, but the Catholics keep eating him!” > [@](#): > > SOCIALISM > You have 2 cows. > You give one to your neighbour > > COMMUNISM > You have 2 cows. > The State takes both and gives you some milk > > FASCISM > You have 2 cows. > The State takes both and sells you some milk > > NAZISM > You have 2 cows. > The State takes both and shoots you > > BUREAUCRATISM > You have 2 cows. > The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then > throws the milk away > > TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM > You have two cows. > You sell one and buy a bull. > Your herd multiplies, and the economy > grows. > You sell them and retire on the income > > ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM > You have two cows. > You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by > your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption > for five cows. > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. > The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. > The public then buys your bull. > > SURREALISM > You have two giraffes. > The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION > You have two cows. > You sell one, and force the other to > produce the milk of four cows. > Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why > the cow has dropped dead. > > A GREEK CORPORATION > You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, > dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. > You still only have two cows. > > A FRENCH CORPORATION > You have two cows. > You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three > cows. > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION > You have two cows. > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce > twenty times the milk. > You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and > market it worldwide. > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION > You have two cows, > but you don’t know where they are. > You decide to have lunch. > > A SWISS CORPORATION > You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. > You charge the owners for storing them. > > A CHINESE CORPORATION > You have two cows. > You have 300 people milking them. > You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. > You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. > > AN INDIAN CORPORATION > You have two cows. > You worship them. > > A BRITISH CORPORATION > You have two cows. > Both are mad. > > AN IRAQI CORPORATION > Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. > You tell them that you have none. > No-one believes you, so they bomb the \*\* out of you and invade your country. > You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. > > AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION > You have two cows. > Business seems pretty good. > You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. > > A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION > You have two cows. > The one on the left looks very attractive… ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2014, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1627 "2014-06-11T04:10:31Z")
Talk about profiling. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2014, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1628 "2014-06-11T17:20:20Z")
It’s a joke, not a police report. ---
**Author:** ![doorhinge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a5b964/32.png) [@doorhinge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doorhinge)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2014, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1629 "2014-06-12T17:33:50Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Talk about profiling. Is that a request (more jokes about profiling, please) or a comment about a joke you liked or didn’t like? ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2014, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1630 "2014-06-12T18:17:57Z")
> [@dougie\_monty](#): > > Talk about profiling. That and the following comment is actually a pretty funny joke. The two cow joke is old, and some of those are new variations. Make up your own. haha On the straight dope boards version: You have two cows Somebody demands a cite to prove it You tell them it’s just a discussion A Mod locks the thread ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2014, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1631 "2014-06-12T18:25:20Z")
Now that’s comedy gold. Gold Jerry, that’s gold. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2014, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1632 "2014-06-12T20:24:10Z")
It doesn’t DO anything! ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2014, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1633 "2014-06-16T14:34:33Z")
A couple groaners courtesy of my daughter: Q: Why can’t you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? A: Because their “P” is silent Q: Why is Switzerland popular with tourists? A: Their flag is a big plus ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2014, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1634 "2014-06-16T15:10:24Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Q: Why can’t you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? > A: Because their “P” is silent Apologies if this is a repeat, I didn’t bother to search: Q: If you’re American outside the bathroom, what are you inside? A: European. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2014, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1635 "2014-06-17T04:34:02Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Q: Why is Switzerland popular with tourists? > A: Their flag is a big plus Love it! ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2014, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1636 "2014-06-17T09:55:34Z")
THESE REALLY WORK! AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER. 4… A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 1. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 2. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 3. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. The farmer said, “I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull” “I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.” “I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.” “Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said that the bull was very healthy, But possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.” “The bull started to service the cows within two days! He even broke through the fence And bred with all of my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “I Don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him………. But they kind of taste like peppermin ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2014, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1637 "2014-06-17T15:35:30Z")
The toilet paper at my office is just like John Wayne. It’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off nobody. ---
**Author:** ![Gymnopithys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/fbc32d/32.png) [@Gymnopithys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gymnopithys)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2014, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1638 "2014-06-17T16:56:06Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Q: Why is Switzerland popular with tourists? > A: Their flag is a big plus Hey, thanks (Swiss chauvinist here) ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_York](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_York](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_York)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1639 "2014-06-29T06:17:16Z")
A completely naked woman jumps into a taxi and asks the driver to take her home. When the taxi stops outside her house she opens her legs and flashes her lady bits, and asks, “Can you take the fare out of this?” The driver has a quick look and says “Haven’t you got anything smaller?” ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1640 "2014-06-29T18:28:46Z")
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2014, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1641 "2014-06-29T21:30:47Z")
> [@FXMastermind](#): > > On the straight dope boards version: > > You have two cows > Somebody demands a cite to prove it > You tell them it’s just a discussion > A Mod locks the thread Thread win!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=81) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=83)