# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 83
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1642 "2014-07-01T11:22:35Z")
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… …followed by Batman. ---
**Author:** ![franz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@franz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/franz)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1643 "2014-07-01T12:01:17Z")
Q: “Why hasn’t Jesus come back?” A: “He tries, but the Catholics keep eating him!” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1644 "2014-07-01T12:26:00Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… > > …followed by Batman. _polymerised helium_ ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2014, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1645 "2014-07-01T20:39:27Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > The doctor wrote me a prescription for suppositories. Fuckin’ quack - they tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my ass! :mad: I’ve heard it a much different way. What you have here is briefer and IMO better. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2014, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1646 "2014-07-02T02:49:12Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… > > …followed by Batman. hey hey, goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![Zyanthia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Zyanthia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyanthia)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2014, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1647 "2014-07-02T14:37:51Z")
Q) How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? A) Have them pronounce the word ‘unionized’. ---
**Author:** ![Zyanthia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Zyanthia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyanthia)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2014, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1648 "2014-07-03T19:42:45Z")
A farmer had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning the farmer, “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. The farmer responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road…” the farmer began again. The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”. The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?” “Now tell me, what the HELL would you say?” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2014, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1649 "2014-07-04T07:55:07Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… > > …followed by Batman. Now THAT’S a hefti dose of humor, right there. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2014, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1650 "2014-07-04T14:03:04Z")
> [@TonySinclair](#): > > hey hey, goodbye. That would be eight sodium atoms, I believe :). ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2014, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1651 "2014-07-04T23:56:38Z")
Did you hear about the scandal at the State Department? Secretary Kerry was seen putting Hunts on his burger and fries. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2014, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1652 "2014-07-05T02:03:33Z")
Obviously better spoken: What city are you most likely to get leied in? Honolulu . ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2014, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1653 "2014-07-05T05:21:43Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Thread win!! Thanks, you made my day. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1654 "2014-07-12T06:07:00Z")
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ‘You talk?’, he asks. ‘Yep’, the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ‘So, what’s your story?’ The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’ The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars’, the guy says. ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.’ ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1655 "2014-07-12T08:01:25Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > These have probably been told in this thread already, but oh well… > > * * * > > An ancient Roman walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” > > The bartender says, “Don’t you mean ‘martini?’” > > And the Roman says, “Listen, if I wanted two, I would’ve ordered two.” > > * * * Another Roman walks into the same bar, holds up two fingers and says ‘Five beers, thanks!’. ---
**Author:** ![Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Brynhildr\_Budladottir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynhildr_Budladottir)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1656 "2014-07-12T08:28:14Z")
This is my linen closet _shows you some towels_ and this is my Lenin closet _shows you communist propaganda_ ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1657 "2014-07-12T11:15:00Z")
> [@Wallaby](#): > > Another Roman walks into the same bar, holds up two fingers and says ‘Five beers, thanks!’. Ha! You could also make it an ancient Mayan, gesturing rather like “Walk Like an Egyptian.” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1658 "2014-07-12T17:32:23Z")
> [@Morwen Edhelwen](#): > > This is my linen closet _shows you some towels_ > > and this is my Lenin closet _shows you communist propaganda_ Lenin came out of the closet? BOZHE MOI! ---
**Author:** ![FXMastermind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fxmastermind/32/7289_2.png) [@FXMastermind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FXMastermind)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2014, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1659 "2014-07-12T17:35:02Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > That would be eight sodium atoms, I believe :). [xkcd explains everything](http://xkcd.com/851/) ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2014, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1660 "2014-07-25T04:03:03Z")
What’s the difference between dealing with avian flu and dealing with swine flu? Avian flu requires tweetment while swine flu requires oinkment. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2014, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1661 "2014-07-25T14:59:52Z")
A man gives his girlfriend a jar of fancy bath salts. A week later he asks her how she liked it. “Well, they taste OK,” she said, “but I don’t think they’ll take the place of a real bath.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=82) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=84)