# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 84
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2014, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1662 "2014-07-25T20:14:23Z")
Health Department figures state that 25% of women are currently receiving medication for mental illness. 25%! :eek: That’s shocking! :eek: It means that 75% of them are running around untreated. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2014, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1663 "2014-07-25T20:35:30Z")
A city dweller is visiting an old friend out in the country, and notices one of the pigs hobbling along on three legs. “Hey,” he says, “what happened to that pig?” “Let me tell you about that amazing pig!” says the farmer. Last year a frayed electrical wire started a fire in our house during the night. That pig there smelled the smoke, crashed through the screen door and started making a helluva racket until we all woke up and escaped to safety! He saved our lives!" “Wow! Did he lose his leg in the fire?” “Naw. Last spring I was plowing the back fields when the tractor hit a rock and flipped over on me. I was pinned to the ground for hours. No one could hear me yelling, except that pig. He ran all the way out to where I was and dug me out from under the tractor with is snout!” “That’s incredible! Is that how he got hurt?” “Naw. A few weeks ago my boy Abner went hiking out in the woods and got lost. We gave that pig a sniff of ol’ Abner’s workin’ boots, and that pig was able to track the scent for six miles until we found Abner huddled under a tree!” “Amazing! But I don’t understand - what happened to his leg?” “Well! A pig like that, you don’t eat all at once!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2014, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1664 "2014-08-06T00:50:48Z")
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly. “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, thirdly; I like how money feels in my hand, and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” * * * Didja hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2014, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1665 "2014-08-06T14:37:17Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Q: If you’re American outside the bathroom, what are you inside? > A: European. There’s a whorehouse on a hill. One guy is going up the hill, one guy is coming down the hill, and one guy is in the whorehouse. What are their nationalities? The guy going up the hill is Russian. The guy coming down the hill is Finnish. And the guy in the whorehouse? Himalayan. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1666 "2014-08-06T16:15:29Z")
**Lena:** “Do these pants make me look fat?” **Ole:** “Not the pants, no.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2014, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1667 "2014-08-06T16:18:42Z")
A blonde walks into a library. She walks up to the head librarian’s desk and says, “Hi! I’d like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please.” The librarian stares at her. “Miss, do you realize that this is a library?” “Oh!” says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. “I’d like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries…” * * * A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies… “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2014, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1668 "2014-08-06T16:20:41Z")
A blonde looks into a box of Cheerios and cries, “Oh, donut seeds.” ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1669 "2014-08-07T00:57:07Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Millionaire Texas cattleman is driving his HUGE convertible somewhere in Maine. He sees a farmer working on a fence at the side of the road, and pulls over for directions, but instead asks him: > > Hey, son, might I ask how big yer property is? > > Farmer says, pointing: Well it goes down to the crick there, runs along the crick fer a spell, goes about thousand feet to the road ya came down and right back t’here. > > Tex says: Hell, son, you know, I can get in my car at the crack of dawn, drive 'til the sun goes down and still not reach the end of m’land. > > Farmer says: Ayuh, I had a car like that, once. I heard this joke first, and always tell it, with a Texan and an Israeli on a kibbutz. It gets the primary joke done and adds the Israeli chutzpah appropriate to it. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1670 "2014-08-07T01:44:27Z")
Prof: Why did the blonde think the library was a fast food joint? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1671 "2014-08-07T03:30:18Z")
Because of all the sand which is there. Or was that the beach …? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1672 "2014-08-07T13:24:40Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Prof: Why did the blonde think the library was a fast food joint? 😕 It is a staple of dumb blonde jokes for the character to attribute odd (and, therefore, humorous) connotations to everyday situations. Being a “dumb blonde”, it is given that she probably had never been in a library before and had no idea of it’s actual function, and somehow determined it was a form of eatery, again for comical effect. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1673 "2014-08-07T13:43:35Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A blonde walks into a library. > > She walks up to the head librarian’s desk and says, “Hi! I’d like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please.” > > The librarian stares at her. “Miss, do you realize that this is a library?” > > “Oh!” says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. “I’d like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries…” > > * * * > > A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. > > The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. > > The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. > > An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. > > Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. > > We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" > > The blonde replies… “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” You forgot to point out: A smart blonde joke! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1674 "2014-08-07T13:46:20Z")
What goes Fee Fi Fo Fi Fo Fee Fee? Mike Tyson’s phone number. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1675 "2014-08-07T15:38:19Z")
Four blondes are stranded on a desert island. They can’t figure out how to escape. They eventually find a lamp on the beach and rub it. A genie pops out, thanks them for freeing him, and tells them they each get one wish as a reward. The first blonde says “I wish I was smarter so I could figure out a way to get off this stupid island.” The genie turns her into a brunette. The brunette goes to shore and swims away. The second blonde says “I wish I were smarter than the brunette.” The genie turns her into a redhead. The redhead finds a log, floats it in the water, and swims away. The third blonde says “I wish I were smarter than the redhead.” The genie turns her into a black-haired girl. The black-haired girl finds a bunch of logs, ties them together, finds a big palm leaf, and attaches it, making a raft with a sail. She casts off and sails away. The fourth blonde says “I wish I were smarter than the black-haired girl.” So the genie turns her into a man. The man gets on the bridge and walks off the island. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1676 "2014-08-07T23:36:16Z")
A blonde approaches a bar; the sign on the door says: **Must be 18 to enter**. Blonde thinks **How am I supposed to know if there’re 17 more people in there?** ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1677 "2014-08-08T12:50:17Z")
(True story!) The other day at work I saw a woman with her laptop checking out some Japanese cartoon characters, certainly a subject worthy of study. But I realized that for a really close look, you’d need some pretty high mangafication. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1678 "2014-08-08T15:02:11Z")
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it, but it does keep the sheet off my legs at night. * * * A guy walks into a bar with a gun, and yells: “Who had sex with my wife!?” A voice from the back calls out: “You don’t have enough bullets, bro!” * * * What do you call a snobby criminal walking down stairs? A condescending con descending. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1679 "2014-08-08T15:11:38Z")
What’s the difference between a mosque and a school? I don’t know; I just fly the drones. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1680 "2014-08-08T15:23:35Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > What’s the difference between a mosque and a school? > > I don’t know; I just fly the drones. Too soon Prof, but that makes it funny. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2014, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1681 "2014-08-08T15:41:02Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Prof: Why did the blonde think the library was a fast food joint? 😕 It’s just part of the assumption that blondes are too dumb to know where they are. A different joke with a similar premise: A man walked into a store and asked for 5 pounds of Polish sausage. The guy behind the counter rolled his eyes and said, “Oh God, another dumb Polack.” The customer snapped, “I resent that. If I’d asked foir Irish sausage, would you assume I was Irish?” The cashier said, “No.” The customer added, "If I’d asked for German sausage, would You assume I was German.’ The cashier said, “No.” The customer continued, “If I’d asked for Italian sausage, would you assume I was Italian.” “No.” Triumphantly, the customer asked, “Then why do you assume I’m Polish, jsut because I aked for Polish sausage?” “Because this is a Home Depot.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=83) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=85)