# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 86
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1702 "2014-08-14T04:46:30Z")
Ok I just saw this pretty good Hitler joke - and it’s not racist! Sorry I only have a picture of the text: [![](https://i.imgur.com/removed.png) ](https://i.imgur.com/removed.png) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1703 "2014-08-14T15:29:05Z")
[In Memoriam](http://nypost.com/2014/08/12/robin-williams-50-greatest-jokes/) ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1704 "2014-08-14T20:50:40Z")
Thanks for that link, **Prof. P**. Some of those are real gems. ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1705 "2014-08-14T22:19:55Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > For the OTHER kind of football: you often hear this one around January. > > "What’s the difference between Notre Dame and Cheerios? > > “Cheerios BELONG in a bowl.” The way I heard it, Lou Holtz was at a restaurant towards the end of his coaching career and the waiter told him this joke. The Lou responded with, “What’s the difference between me and a golf pro?” “A golf pro gives tips.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2014, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1706 "2014-10-30T20:31:53Z")
Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don’t like people knocking on their doors. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1707 "2014-10-30T23:36:59Z")
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Now shut up. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2014, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1708 "2014-10-31T15:46:52Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > **Lena:** “Do these pants make me look fat?” > **Ole:** “Not the pants, no.” Her: “Do this shirt make me look fat?” Him: “No, the shirt makes you look _purple;_ your **fat** makes you look fat!.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2014, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1709 "2014-12-19T14:57:19Z")
# Got this in email: A 4 year-old’s first paycheck Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the- rough,” more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.” ---
**Author:** ![Nom\_de\_Plume](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85f322/32.png) [@Nom\_de\_Plume](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nom_de_Plume)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2014, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1710 "2014-12-19T16:18:02Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > The doctor wrote me a prescription for suppositories. Fuckin’ quack - they tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my ass! :mad: What’s the Italian word for suppository? Innuendo. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2014, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1711 "2014-12-19T18:01:04Z")
A guy goes to the zoo. The zoo only has one animal in it, a dog. It was a shitzu. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2014, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1712 "2014-12-19T21:03:00Z")
I found out where they keep all the _Terminator_ toys in those huge toy stores. Aisle B, back ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2014, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1713 "2014-12-20T03:47:49Z")
Why was Jesus born in a manger? Because Mary belonged to an HMO. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2014, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1714 "2014-12-21T15:31:26Z")
Why did Santa’s wife beat him up? She caught him sneaking out of the Ho-Ho Ho House. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2014, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1715 "2014-12-26T19:36:48Z")
What do you call an Italian suppository? Innuendo. ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2014, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1716 "2014-12-26T20:00:12Z")
Five posts late with that one, dude. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2014, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1717 "2014-12-27T03:33:41Z")
Did you hear about the guy who was half Italian and half Polish? He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2014, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1718 "2014-12-27T18:21:17Z")
For some reason I am reminded of a temporary job I once had, many moons ago. I was put on standby for the zookeeper to handle any and all questions and comments from the public whenever he was away. Middle-aged woman: Oh, sir, I don’t see the monkeys in their cage. Where are they? Youngish me: Ma’am, they are still here. See that artificial structure in the back of the cage, built to look just like a small cave? They will be back there for a long time, out of sight. Woman: Oh. What’s going on back there? Me: Well, ma’am. You see… they are… well… _smooching_. Woman: Oh, I get it. (She pauses a bit.) Do you suppose they would come out for a banana? Me: (I look at her for a second or two.) – Would YOU? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2014, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1719 "2014-12-27T21:23:28Z")
Interesting. I have heard that story many times, so it is fascinating to stumble across the person it actually happened to! ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Charlie\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2015, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1720 "2015-03-10T05:30:38Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > A woman decides to have a facelift and boob job for her birthday. > > \ Out of all the jokes in this thread, IMHO, this one was the best. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2015, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1721 "2015-03-10T15:24:04Z")
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=85) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=87)