# Good jokes you've heard recently **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949 "2012-12-13T20:00:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 89
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2015, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1762 "2015-12-23T18:31:37Z")
The NFL has been downsizing recently. Just ten years ago the Superbowl was XL, but next year is predicted to be L. However, forecasters predict it will take another 950 years for the Superbowl to get to M. Coughed up from my own personal brain and onto your screens. You’re welcome! ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2015, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1763 "2015-12-24T07:26:39Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for a month.” “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all weekend and drink beer.” - George Carlin ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2015, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1764 "2015-12-24T08:49:17Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all weekend and drink beer.” - George Carlin “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” - Terry Pratchett ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2015, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1765 "2015-12-24T15:57:41Z")
> [@Greg\_Charles](#): > > The NFL has been downsizing recently. Just ten years ago the Superbowl was XL, but next year is predicted to be L. However, forecasters predict it will take another 950 years for the Superbowl to get to M. Notice, however, that they fudged this time and used the Arabic numeral instead of the Roman. I guess “Super Bowl L” would look too weird in ad copy. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2015, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1766 "2015-12-25T20:58:02Z")
Have you heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree? Long ago, Santa Claus was having his worst Christmas ever. The elves were on strike. The toys he had outsourced to China were of such poor quality, they had to be returned. Rudolph had a sinus infection, and three other reindeer had been arrested for drinking eggnog while driving an unlicensed sleigh. Worst of all, Mrs. Claus had just told Santa that she was having an affair with the Easter Bunny, and she wanted a separation. It was all too much to take, and Santa was so angry that he was about to hit the roof. At that exact moment, the angel walked into the workshop, carrying the Christmas tree. The angel said: “Hey, Santa! I’ve got the Christmas tree. Where do you want me to stick it?” …and that’s how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree. **M E R R Y | C H R I S T M A S | E V E R Y O N E ! ! !** ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1767 "2015-12-29T05:33:02Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Have you heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree? > > Long ago, Santa Claus was having his worst Christmas ever. The elves were on strike. The toys he had outsourced to China were of such poor quality, they had to be returned. Rudolph had a sinus infection, and three other reindeer had been arrested for drinking eggnog while driving an unlicensed sleigh. Worst of all, Mrs. Claus had just told Santa that she was having an affair with the Easter Bunny, and she wanted a separation. It was all too much to take, and Santa was so angry that he was about to hit the roof. > > At that exact moment, the angel walked into the workshop, carrying the Christmas tree. The angel said: “Hey, Santa! I’ve got the Christmas tree. Where do you want me to stick it?” > > …and that’s how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree. Angel: 🙂 😕 :eek: * * * Yeeeeouchhhh!\*\*\* ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1768 "2015-12-29T07:06:48Z")
> [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](#): > > “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” - Terry Pratchett Post # 1736. 🙂 > [@Greg\_Charles](#): > > Light a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day, but light a man afire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1769 "2015-12-29T07:26:59Z")
Q. How do you make a dog go “Meow”? A. Freeze it, then run it through a meat saw. MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW! Q. How do you make a cat go “Woof”? A. Soak it in gasoline and throw a match on it. _WOOF!_ ---
**Author:** ![BrassyPhrase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BrassyPhrase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrassyPhrase)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2015, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1770 "2015-12-29T08:30:49Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers so much that he would stop at nothing to avoid them? I want you to know that I read this yesterday morning, walked into the The Fella’s home office to tell this joke… And we ended up in a conversation about something else for a few minutes. Then I said, “Oh, I was just reading some article about a mathematician…” Told the joke. Paused. Started cracking up. He got it. He cracked up. Hugs ensued! ---
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1771 "2015-12-31T11:03:14Z")
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth, and I will grant you eternal life.” Unfortunately, Peter came fifth. He won a toaster. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1772 "2015-12-31T15:14:26Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers so much that he would stop at nothing to avoid them? > [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > I want you to know that I read this yesterday morning, walked into the The Fella’s home office to tell this joke… > > And we ended up in a conversation about something else for a few minutes. Then I said, “Oh, I was just reading some article about a mathematician…” > Told the joke. Paused. Started cracking up. He got it. He cracked up. > > Hugs ensued! Thank you. That made my day! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1773 "2015-12-31T16:04:20Z")
> [@Tithonus](#): > > Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth, and I will grant you eternal life.” > > Unfortunately, Peter came fifth. He won a toaster. Peter decided he listened to Victor Borge once too often. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1774 "2015-12-31T17:11:07Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers so much that he would stop at nothing to avoid them? > [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > I want you to know that I read this yesterday morning, walked into the The Fella’s home office to tell this joke… > > And we ended up in a conversation about something else for a few minutes. Then I said, “Oh, I was just reading some article about a mathematician…” > Told the joke. Paused. Started cracking up. He got it. He cracked up. > > Hugs ensued! Didja here about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with pencil and paper. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1775 "2015-12-31T17:53:55Z")
Now THAT would be a sight to see. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2015, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1776 "2015-12-31T18:14:08Z")
More impressive still if he worked it out with logs ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2016, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1777 "2016-01-01T02:05:55Z")
I just heard this on a Craig Ferguson concert show: Two elderly men are having a nasty, brutal game of golf–cheating, cursing, you name it, they hate each other. It’s down to the winning putt on 18, when the first gent looks up and sees a funeral procession heading up the street outside the course. He calls time-out, doffs his cap and explains to his opponent that he would like to say a few words of respect. He delivers a heart-felt, touching Bible verse, wiping away tears in the process, then dons his cap and lines up his winning putt. **Pardon me** , the other fellow says, softly, **despite every nasty thing that has gone between us, that was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard anyone say in me whole life. Truly. Well** , says his nemesis, **we were married thirty-five year, after all** , and sinks the putt. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2016, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1778 "2016-01-01T03:34:21Z")
A pianist and a singer are rehearsing “Autumn Leaves” for a concert, and the pianist says: “OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F Sharp minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor.” The singer says: “Wow, I don’t think I can remember all of that.” The pianist says: “Well, that’s how you did it last time.” ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2016, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1779 "2016-01-01T12:25:25Z")
Could you Doper morons please quit it with the lame pedophile jokes? Fucking immature assholes. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2016, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1780 "2016-01-01T12:27:04Z")
And enough with the gay porn jokes! I mean, come on guys! ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2016, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949/1781 "2016-01-01T18:23:54Z")
Why did Subway fire Jared Fogle? Because there’s nothing fresh about 42 year old meat in 9 year old buns. How would you describe the theme of Jared Fogle’s career? Trying to get into smaller pants. What’s Jared Fogle’s favorite Subway sandwich? Young turkey breast with baby lettuce & a virgin daiquiri. Have you heard Quizno’s new ad slogan? “At least we don’t fuck kids!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=88) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/good-jokes-youve-heard-recently/643949.md?page=90)