Good ole Slack Bladder

Cafe Society
21

ah, yes jinty… the ‘Potato’ episode from season 2… some of the best lines ever

Queen: Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it’s bucko to see you,old matey!
Sir Walter: I’m sorry?
Blackadder: [caustically] She says hello.

Sir Walter: Why, Rum, of course. Captain Redbeard Rum.
Edmund: Well done. Just testing. And where would I find him on a Tuesday?
Sir Walter: Well, if I remember his habits, he’s usually up the Old Sea Dog.
Edmund: Ah yes, and where is the Old Sea Dog?
Sir Walter: Well, on Tuesdays he’s normally in bed with the Captain.

Rum: aah-ahhh! [strokes his hand] You have a woman’s hand, milord! I’ll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm.

Rum: -Aah! Your skin milord. I’ll wager it ne’er felt the lash of a cat [‘o’ nine tails], been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy.
Blackadder: How canny, I don’t know how you do it, but you’re right again.

Rum: Ha. -Aah! You have a woman’s purse! [takes it from him and examines it daintily] I’ll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat. I’ll wager it’s never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.

Rum: Oh! You have a woman’s mouth, milord! I’ll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish.
Blackadder: I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you’re clearly as mad as a mongoose I’ll bid you farewell [gets up]
Rum: Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you’re nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl.
Blackadder: Better a “lapdog to a slip of a girl”, than a… Git.

Rum: Ah! [pointing] You have a woman’s legs, my lord! I’ll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
Blackadder: [crossly] Well, neither have yours.
Rum: That’s where you’re wrong [throws aside table showing his lack of legs]
And finally, the queen’s goodbye to BA:
When the night is dark,
and the dogs go bark;
When the clouds are black,
and the ducks go- quack;
When the sky is blue,
and the cows go- moo;
Think of lovely Queenie
She’ll be thinking of you.

Did I get carried away?

22

Also from “Potato” (IIRC):

“To you and me, Baldric, it’s a potato–but to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh, it’s a title, a house in the country, and all the girls his tongue can handle. Look around you–people are smoking them, building houses with them–the next thing you know, they’ll be eating them.”

23

I have the complete scripts in softcover at home–damned if I can remeber most of the lines. One of my favis is from the second series

24

In the Christmas special:

Prince of Wales: (To Blackadder) What’s the difference between you and a girlie, anyway?

Blackadder: I cannot conceive, Your Highness.
In the recent special, name of which I can’t remember:

Blackadder: Ah, yes, Hadrian’s wall. A three-foot wall spanning Britain. Terrifying.

25

Also from Blackadder Back and Forth:

Blackadder: Is it a cunning plan?

Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but has since been made High Commissioner of Cunning at the United Nations?
Alex

26

“Prepare to die, English flying fellow.”

“So, it’s the traditional warm German welcome.”

“DARLING?! Funny name for a guy isn’t it? The last person I called darling was pregnant 20 seconds later!”

“The prince would like your daugherter Amy for his wife.”

“Well, his wife can’t have her! Now go away, or I shall undo my belt and BY THUNDER my trousers will fall down!”

“Then come, Prince cuddly-kittens - climb up my ivy!”

“SAUSAGE TIIIIIIME!!!”

27

“Cold is God’s way of telling us we aren’t burning enough Catholics.”

Not that I agree, but the line always cracks me up.

28

Heh. I remember trying to explain the concept to one of my professors, because I’d been working on a thesis on Richard II and I’d spotted a reference to it on Black Adder…

Personally, I love the very first episode’s take on Richard III and the battle of Bosworth Field. “I always thought Henry Tudor would be better-looking…”

(This always gets quoted at some point when Richard III, play or historical figure, comes up in the discussion…)

And, of course, Edmund’s meeting with Shakespeare in “Back and Forth” – “Who’s Kenneth Branagh?” “He’d be hurt to hear you say that. I’ll have to tell him.”

29

"As the Good Book says, ‘love thy neighbour as thyself.’ Unless he’s Turkish. In which case, Kill the Bastard!!!

I love Brian Blessed.

30

“Baldrick, to you the Renaissance is just something that happened to other people, isn’t it?”

31

and of course:

The Sound of hoofbeats 'cross the glade,
Good Folk, Lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter…

On the subject of theme tunes, does anyone know where I can find lyrics/recordings of the end-themes for series 2? Not everyone realises that each one was different, but the BBC, without fail, talk across the end credits, so I’ve never been able to work them all out…

32

Ah, yes. I love that one. :smiley:

“Oh, shut up, Baldrick – you’d laugh at a Shakespeare comedy!”

33

My favorite is the third run, especially the dictionary episode and the highwayman episode. Damn funny stuff. Really enjoy “Goes Forth” also, because I know more about the time period.

Cant seem to remember any great quotes except, “Death and pestilance stalk our land like two giant stalking things.”

Think I’ll go home tonight and watch some (got em on tape!)

…unwiped inner-ring of Satan’s bottom…

34

Third is definitly my favorite.

The “I may be as Thick as a whale omlet” line and
“Thickie Black thickie Adder thickie”

kill me but the ultimate genius was in Amy and Amiability

“Oh God! What a way to die! Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll!”

35

“I’ve got a thingie shaped like a turnip.”

" . . . standing there with their nipples thrust out so far you’d think they were attached to a pair of charging elephants!"
Amy and Amiability is definitely one of the best. The ones with the two actors (Sense and Senility?) is another good one.

And I still end phone conversations with my brother with, “Byeeee!”

RR

“Needs must when the gods vomit into your teakettle.”

36

“They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain… They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover, when I stick this toasting fork in your head.”

Baldric: My uncle Baldric was in a play once. It was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldric: Second Codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece…? Did he have a large part?
Baldric: Depends who was playing Macbeth.

37

From “Beer” in the 2nd series:

Edmund (to Baldrick): You’re fired.
Baldrick: But I’ve been in your family since 1560!
Edmund: So has syphillis. Now get out!

Baldrick: “I hide in the pantry and frighten the children”

Melchitt: “You twist and turn like a… twisty, turny thing.”
My favorite, though was when Lady Whiteadder asks “Can you explain this?!” Edmund’s face goes through this amazing series of contortions before ending with “Yes, I can.” Later in the episode, when Edmund is dead drunk, she asks the same question. His face starts to contort in thought again, but then he suddenly says “I can’t.” The false start when we’re expecting another drawn-out absurd excuse was great.

38

Baldrick: Don’t worry, mister B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother’s low ceiling by cutting off her head.

also

Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I’ve often thought I’d like to.
Blackadder: Well, don’t. It’s a ghastly place. Huge gangs of sinewy men roam the valleys terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You’ll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

and

Dr. Johnson: This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
Edmund: Every word, sir?
Dr. Johnson: Every one, sir.
Edmund: Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic [wicked pause] contrafibularities.
Dr. Johnson: What??
Edmund: Contrafibularities, sir. It is a common word down our way.
Dr. Johnson: Damn!
Edmund: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I’m anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericumbobulation.

39

Just remembered another one: “The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil’s own satanic herd.”

I once convinced an ex-GF to give Blackadder a try by using this quote.

40

From BlackAdder’s Christmas Carol (the scene of the future)…

Frondo: What news of the foul Malmydons?

Blackadder: Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

Frondo: …and the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast’s nobbo?

Blackadder: Well, they’re dead, if that’s what you mean.

Pigmot: Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibble-pibblies?

Blackadder: No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibble-pibblies, because you just made them up.