# Got any St Pat's Day jokes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2018, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550 "2018-03-14T15:29:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/21 "2018-03-14T19:02:50Z")
**buddha\_david** posted this one in a thread not too long ago. > [@Not (very) offensive ethnic jokes](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/not-very-offensive-ethnic-jokes/808370/62): > > A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?” > > The other guy says “Ireland.” > > The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily. > > Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?” > > “Dublin.” > > “Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily. > > Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?” > > “St. Mary’s, class of '62” answers the other guy. > > “Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round. > > Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?” > > The bartender answers, “Nothing; the O’Malley twins are drunk again.” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/22 "2018-03-14T19:59:35Z")
A well-inebriated patron is listening to two rather large women talking at the bar. Loudly, he asks, **Would you ladies be from Scotland?** **Wales, you wanker** , one shoots back, indignantly. **Sorry, would you whales be from Scotland?** He woke up in the alley. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/23 "2018-03-14T20:14:13Z")
An American lady tourist asks a kilt-wearing Scot “Is anything worn under there?” He replies “No, ma’am, I assure you it’s all in perfect condition.” ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/24 "2018-03-14T20:35:19Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated at the bar. The bartender places a glass of beer in front of each of them. Before any of them can take a sip, a fly lands in each of their beers. > > The Englishman looks disgusted, and slides his beer back to the bartender, signaling for a new beer. > > The Scotsman shrugs, plucks the fly out of his beer, tosses it aside, and takes a drink. > > The Irishman plucks the fly out of his beer, then holds it above the glass, and starts to shake it. “Spit it out! Spit it all out, ye bastard!” 😃 Thanks for the laugh! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/25 "2018-03-14T20:38:21Z")
Mrs. O’Malley comes to the door to find the brewery foreman standing there with his hat in his hand. ‘Ma’am,’ he says, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, your husband Seamus has drowned in a vat of beer.’ ‘Oh, the poor man!’ cried Mrs. O’Malley, ‘He never stood a chance!’ The foreman shifted uncomfortably. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘He did get out three times to piss…’ I’d never say the Irish drank too much, but an Irish friend of mine died and his body was cremated. It took them three days to put out the fire. Pat and Mike were sailing to New York back in the olden days. The argued for days where they would go in the Afterlife. Sadly, Pat died during the crossing. His body was wrapped in a shroud that was weighted down with coal. Mike said, ‘I always knew where he was going. But I didn’t know he’d have to take his own fuel!’ . ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/26 "2018-03-15T06:37:47Z")
A man is on pilgrimage to Rome, and he wants to see the great Basilica of St. Peter. But he can not seem to find the entrance to Vatican City. The roads look like alleys, the map is too small, and he can’t make heads or tails of the street signs. He looks around in desperation, and asks a couple of passing gentlemen for help, but he can’t understand a word they are saying to him. Finally he sees the man he needs, and grabs him by the coat. “Please! You’ve got to help me! I’m that turned around, I’ll be in Poland next, and I don’t speak the local language.” The man says “Of course I will! But tell me, how did you know I’d speak English?” The visitor says “T’was obvious! Aren’t you wearing a [gold Fainne](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F%C3%A1inne)?” ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/27 "2018-03-15T06:39:46Z")
And I’ll give you one you think you know: Why did God make whiskey? So the Irish wouldn’t take over the world . . . too soon. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/28 "2018-03-15T07:13:55Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > A man is on pilgrimage to Rome, and he wants to see the great Basilica of St. Peter. But he can not seem to find the entrance to Vatican City. The roads look like alleys, the map is too small, and he can’t make heads or tails of the street signs. He looks around in desperation, and asks a couple of passing gentlemen for help, but he can’t understand a word they are saying to him. > > Finally he sees the man he needs, and grabs him by the coat. > > “Please! You’ve got to help me! I’m that turned around, I’ll be in Poland next, and I don’t speak the local language.” > > The man says “Of course I will! But tell me, how did you know I’d speak English?” > > The visitor says “T’was obvious! Aren’t you wearing a [gold Fainne](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F%C3%A1inne)?” Huh? ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/29 "2018-03-15T10:46:54Z")
Mrs. O’Malley opens the door to find her husband’s boss and coworker from the brewery standing on the porch. The boss, choking back tears, said “Mrs. O’Malley, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But your husband Pat fell into a vat of beer and drowned.” “Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I hope at least he went quickly” The coworker shook his head “I’m afraid not, he got out three times to pee”. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/30 "2018-03-15T11:38:27Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > Mrs. O’Malley opens the door to find her husband’s boss and coworker from the brewery standing on the porch. > > The boss, choking back tears, said “Mrs. O’Malley, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But your husband Pat fell into a vat of beer and drowned.” > > “Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I hope at least he went quickly” > > The coworker shook his head “I’m afraid not, he got out three times to pee”. Posted in post #25 by **Johnny L.A.** ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/31 "2018-03-15T12:51:04Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Huh? Anyone who speaks Gaelic also speaks English. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/32 "2018-03-15T14:23:19Z")
An Irishman is driving around a crowded parking lot, searching desperately for an open space. After several minutes of frustration, he turns his eyes upwards towards heaven and prays, “Dear Lord, I know I’ve never asked you for anything before, but if you could help me find a space, I promise to quit drinking and go to church every Sunday.” Just then, as he turned a corner, an empty space appeared before his eyes, bathed in a soft heavenly glow of light, with angels’ voices singing. The Irishman looks back towards heaven and says: “Never mind, I found one.” ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/33 "2018-03-15T14:24:00Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > The man says “Of course I will! But tell me, how did you know I’d speak English?” > > The visitor says “T’was obvious! Aren’t you wearing a [gold Fainne](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F%C3%A1inne)?” > [@zoid](#): > > Huh? > [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > Anyone who speaks Gaelic also speaks English. It’s been said that the Irish will do anything to preserve their language, except to speak it. ---
**Author:** ![Reeses\_Monkey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reeses_monkey/32/2885_2.png) [@Reeses\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reeses_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/34 "2018-03-15T15:05:27Z")
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None! ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/35 "2018-03-15T15:10:27Z")
> [@Reeses\_Monkey](#): > > How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? > None! Really? You find this funny? :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/36 "2018-03-15T15:18:31Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Really? You find this funny? > > :smack: Yeah - I’d forgotten that one (and find it hilarious!) ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/37 "2018-03-15T15:22:31Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Really? You find this funny? > > :smack: Wanna hear some Ethiopian jokes? ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/38 "2018-03-15T15:32:46Z")
Did you hear about the Irishman who was marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, took a wrong turn, and fell in the East River? It was the only water he touched all day. * * * Never forget, wherever there are four Irishmen, there will be a fifth. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/39 "2018-03-15T15:50:22Z")
A tourist is on his way to Cork to visit Castle Blarney. The bus driver is a chatty sort, and is telling all about the tour and the grounds. He says “The line to the stone is long and traverses a narrow stairway.” Tourist says “That sounds unpleasant!” Bus driver says “And then when you get up there, the stone is through a hole in the ground and you have to hang upside down and backwards to get to it.” Tourist says “Wow! That sounds really unpleasant!” Bus driver says “Yeah, and of course, to get the magic you’ve got to really kiss it, meaning you must touch your tongue to the stone. Which everyone else in the line has just done before you.” “Ew yuck!” says the tourist, “and what exactly is the magical prize for all this?!?” “Well” says the driver “it’ll give you the gift of the gab.” “But what does that mean, really?” the tourist asks. Says the driver “It means that you’ll be able to tell a man to go to Hell, and make him look forward to the trip.” ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/40 "2018-03-15T15:57:54Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Yeah - I’d forgotten that one (and find it hilarious!) Well, then, by all means, go tell it front of a Paddy’s Day crowd. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550.md?page=3)