# Got any St Pat's Day jokes? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2018, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550 "2018-03-14T15:29:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2018, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/81 "2018-03-16T23:11:51Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > I said I’d heard it, not that I thought it was funny. Although when I was 14 I would have probably made homo jokes too: thankfully, I grew up in the intervening generation and a half. Now \*that \*wasn’t funny at all. You’re striking out in this thread. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2018, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/82 "2018-03-16T23:53:50Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I don’t even have to look into the bastion of civility to know where all this attention came from, now do I? > > :dubious: Heck, I’m an Irish American whose ancestors were famine immigrants, and I thought it was funny. Are you sure you’re Irish?:dubious: ---
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/83 "2018-03-17T13:06:19Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > Why do people keep posting Scotsman jokes in a St. Patricks day joke thread? Are you drunk already? Q. What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer? A. Mick Jagger says "hey you, get off of my cloud. The Scottish sheep farmer says “hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/84 "2018-03-17T13:16:02Z")
I would just read select passages from the notes at the beginning of each chapter in Frank Herbert’s downer of a sci-fi novel White Plague Sure to get _some_ laughs! (at least it won’t require a wiki link to explain it) ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/85 "2018-03-17T13:20:28Z")
Ooh, I got a good one: Q. What’s the difference between Scotland and Ireland? A. WHAT THE FOOKIN HELL KINDA QUESTION IS THAT! Fookin hell these Yanks. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/86 "2018-03-17T13:39:30Z")
When my gf was in Ireland a few years ago, a young, clean cut looking kid asked if she was looking for “some good crack”. She was a bit shocked. Then she found out he meant craic. Last night we went to see a friend’s Irish band. Guitar, pipes, drums, mandolin, fiddle, and bass, and very authentic. Another friend was tweaking the soundboard. I told him he had the mix pretty good, except you couldn’t hear the fiddle at all. He said that was his goal. She sucks, so he had her in her monitor and that was it. (She’s a friend of the piper) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/87 "2018-03-17T14:30:28Z")
> [@jaycat](#): > > Mick Jagger says "hey you, get off of my cloud. I thought Mick Jagger said, ‘Hey Hugh! Get off of McCloud!’ ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/88 "2018-03-17T14:54:27Z")
Thanks for the jokes, all. My wife is set to be mortified tonight! 😃 Here’s another one I like (tho not necessarily Irish): O’Leary is driving along when a patrolman stops him and says, “Don’t you realize Ms. O’Leary fell out of the car 5 miles back?” “Praise the Lord!”, says O’Leary. “I thought I was going deaf!” > [@kayaker](#): > > Last night we went to see a friend’s Irish band. Guitar, pipes, drums, mandolin, fiddle, and bass, and very authentic. … Yeah - we aren’t really an “Irish” band, but enough of the fiddle tunes we play - reels/jigs/hornpipes - could pass, especially to an audience under the influence. Add in a few shouters like Wild Rover, Streams of Whiskey, and we’ll pass muster. And no need to mix down our fiddle. As the fill-in bassist, I fully expect to be the weak link. So I’ll just play louder and slap more! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/89 "2018-03-17T17:19:45Z")
An Irishman walks into a bar in Chicago, sits by himself and orders three beers. The bartender says, “Wouldn’t it be easier to order them one at a time?” The Irishman says “Well, you see, I used to go out with my two brothers when I was a young man. But now I’ve moved to Chicago, my brother Luke is in Boston, and my other brother Colin is back home in Dublin. But having three beers reminds me of our times together.” “Aw, that’s awesome” says the bartender, and gives him three beers. This goes on for a while until one day the man comes in and orders two beers. The bartender is concerned and asks “Hey I hope your brothers are both OK.” “Oh they’re fine. I’ve just given up the drink for lent!” At an Irish wedding the priest asks “Would all the married men here raise their hands.” They do. Then the priest says “I would like you all to go to the person who has always been there for you, who has been your rock and your support, and give them a hug.” The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/90 "2018-03-17T18:25:25Z")
The difference between lace curtain Irish and shanty Irish? The former take the dishes out of the sink before pissing in it. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/91 "2018-03-17T18:54:10Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Not short, but I don’t care. > > Two leprechauns go all timid into a church. One of them goes up to the priest and says, “Father, can I trouble ye to answer a question?” > “To be sure, son, what’s botherin ye?” > “Father,” the leprechaun says, “Are there any leprechaun nuns in this parish?” > The priest smiles. “No, me son, I’m afraid there are no leprechaun nuns in this parish.” > The leprechaun thinks. “Aye, then, can ye tell me: are there any leprechaun nuns in Ireland?” > “No, me son, there are no leprechaun nuns in Ireland, why d’ye ask?” > The leprechaun looks distressed now. “Father, tell me true, are there any leprechaun nuns in this whole world?” > “I’m sorry, me son, there are no leprechaun nuns in this whole world!” > > At this point, the other leprechaun bursts out laughing and punches his friend. “I TOLD ye! I TOLD ye ye fooked a penguin!” Now THIS one made me laugh out loud! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2018, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/92 "2018-03-17T19:30:12Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Yeah - we aren’t really an “Irish” band, but enough of the fiddle tunes we play - reels/jigs/hornpipes - could pass, especially to an audience under the influence. Add in a few shouters like Wild Rover, Streams of Whiskey, and we’ll pass muster. If you know _Galway Bay_, you might try the[Clancy Brothers parody version.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-SAPeEtIBI) \*Maybe someday, I’ll go back again to Ireland An my dear old wife would pass away She nearly has my heart broke with her naggin She’s got a mouth as big as Galway Bay See her drinkin 16 pints of Pabst Blue Ribbon And then she can walk home without a sway If the sea were beer instead of salty water She would live and die in Galway Bay\* ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/93 "2018-03-19T16:18:53Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > A Scotsman left the pub drunk, and passed out on the street. His kilt was turned up and his penis was clearly visible. The Next morning, some little girls walked by, giggled, and tied a big ribbon to it. > > When the Scotsman woke up, he noticed the ribbon, and smiled, “I dunno where ye’ve been, laddie, but I see you won first prize.” [The Drunk Scotsman](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ35SOU9HTM) ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2018, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/94 "2018-03-19T20:08:51Z")
> [@janis\_and\_c0](#): > > Kate is sitting with her husband Seamus, who is dying. He wakes to find her quietly weeping. “What’s the matter me girl?” “Ah, I can’t bear the thought of ye dying.” “Ah , well, tis a pity for sure… now I want to yo do somthin’ for me, before I die, and they lay me in in the auld sod” “Anything, my love, I promise! " She sobs. Well I was just lying here thinking of all the things I’ll miss, and I was thinking of that good brown bread ya use ta make, with the raisins in it… I thought of it till it seemed to me I could almost smell it, and now before I die, could I trouble ya for a wee piece of it?” " Nae, ya can’t have any, ya auld fart, I’m saving it for the wake!" Heard this (and seen it in print) as a Jewish Mother joke. Just sayin’. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/95 "2018-03-20T01:23:30Z")
An Irish guy went fishing one weekend, fell off his boat and drowned. His widow agonized over the writing of the obituary, trying to figure out the best way to word it, and ended up with four pages of a lovely, touching eulogy. She took it to the newspaper office and gave it to the clerk. “This is beautiful, Mrs. O’Sullivan, but it may be somewhat pricey. An obit is a dollar per word… how much money do ya have?” She shook her head sadly. “I have but three dollars.” " I’ll make you a deal, I’ll let ya have five words for that." She thought for a moment, took a piece of paper, wrote something on it, then handed him the five word obituary: Sully died. Boat for sale. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/96 "2018-03-20T02:03:33Z")
Long ago, the New York Post held a St Patricks Day contest, offering a $1,000 cash prize for the filthiest limerick in the world. They got all sorts of entries: old chestnuts, cringeworthy doggerel, even some impressive efforts by well-known poets. But when St. Patrick’s Day came, they awarded the prize to one Mrs. Anne O’Leary, of Killarney, Ireland–whose limerick, they were ashamed to admit, was so filthy that they couldn’t print it. Some years later, an intrepid New York Times reporter was fascinated by this story. He begged and begged his editor to let him do a feature story on Mrs. O’Leary, and received permission to investigate. So he caught a taxi straight to La Guardia, flew to London, from there took a commuter flight to Dublin, and boarded a train to Killarney. Once he got there, it took him nearly two full days to track down the O’Leary farm, eight miles outside of town. He caught a ride in a farmer’s wagon next to a couple of sheep. Arriving at last, he knocked on the door. He didn’t know what to expect–and he certainly didn’t expect the door to be opened by an adorably sweet, grandmotherly figure, white hair tinged with the yellow of Irish hair gone old. “Good morning,” she said. “Can I help you?” “I’m–I’m looking for Mrs. O’Leary,” he said. “Is that you?” She nodded, so he explained who he was, and why he was there. “And I’d like to talk to you about the contest–but first, I’m dying to know, do you still remember the limerick that you wrote for the contest?” “Oh, aye,” she said, “But I can’t possibly say it. It’s far too filthy.” “Please!” he begged. “I’ve traveled all this way!” They went back and forth, and finally she sighed. “Here’s what I’ll do,” she offered. “I’ll say the parts of it I can, but the really filthy parts, I’ll just hum.” “Fine, fine!” the reporter agreed. So she began. “Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, Hmm hmm in a river of shit.” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/97 "2018-03-20T03:10:58Z")
It’s an Irish joke ye be wantin’? As a Royals fan, I direct you to the pitching of [Sean O’Sullivan](https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/o/osullse01.shtml), who managed to play in 7 major league seasons with a career ERA of 6. A cruel joke, if he was on your team, but a joke no less. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2018, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/98 "2018-03-20T17:30:44Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Long ago, the New York Post held a St Patricks Day contest, offering a $1,000 cash prize for the filthiest limerick in the world. They got all sorts of entries: old chestnuts, cringeworthy doggerel, even some impressive efforts by well-known poets. > > But when St. Patrick’s Day came, they awarded the prize to one Mrs. Anne O’Leary, of Killarney, Ireland–whose limerick, they were ashamed to admit, was so filthy that they couldn’t print it. > > Some years later, an intrepid New York Times reporter was fascinated by this story. He begged and begged his editor to let him do a feature story on Mrs. O’Leary, and received permission to investigate. So he caught a taxi straight to La Guardia, flew to London, from there took a commuter flight to Dublin, and boarded a train to Killarney. > > Once he got there, it took him nearly two full days to track down the O’Leary farm, eight miles outside of town. He caught a ride in a farmer’s wagon next to a couple of sheep. > > Arriving at last, he knocked on the door. He didn’t know what to expect–and he certainly didn’t expect the door to be opened by an adorably sweet, grandmotherly figure, white hair tinged with the yellow of Irish hair gone old. > > “Good morning,” she said. “Can I help you?” > > “I’m–I’m looking for Mrs. O’Leary,” he said. “Is that you?” > > She nodded, so he explained who he was, and why he was there. “And I’d like to talk to you about the contest–but first, I’m dying to know, do you still remember the limerick that you wrote for the contest?” > > “Oh, aye,” she said, “But I can’t possibly say it. It’s far too filthy.” > > “Please!” he begged. “I’ve traveled all this way!” They went back and forth, and finally she sighed. > > “Here’s what I’ll do,” she offered. “I’ll say the parts of it I can, but the really filthy parts, I’ll just hum.” > > “Fine, fine!” the reporter agreed. So she began. > > “Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm > Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. > Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, > hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm, > Hmm hmm in a river of shit.” I’m not even sure why but that made my laugh my ass off 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2018, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550/99 "2018-03-21T17:03:22Z")
An Irish beggar comes up to an Englishman and says “Please sir, can you spare a little cash? My wife is sick at home and we have run out of her expensive medicine, my four kids at home have no food and they are so hungry. Please sir anything would help.” The Englishman says" What kind of fool do you think I am? You would spend anything I give you on drink." The beggar says" Oh no sir, I’ve already got drinking money" [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/got-any-st-pats-day-jokes/810550.md?page=4)