# Grab Your Ankles & Think of Jesus, or, Why I've Switched Dr.s (very long & pointless **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 23, 2007, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264 "2007-04-23T04:58:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2007, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/41 "2007-04-25T18:40:12Z")
[QUOTE=Marlitharn] The goat’s name was Billy the Kid and I’d raised him on a bottle 'cause his mother rejected him. Besides walking on a leash, he would ride in the rowboat (standing in the bow like George Washington), drink beer, and chew tobacco. I still miss that goat. [/QUOTE] We had one named Jezebel who was raised with and largely by dogs (her mother rejected her and had to be forced to nurse her) and so help me she thought she _was_ a dog. She even barked- her bleating sounded like a goat imitating a dog. She would hang out with the other dogs, they never bothered her, did not like the other goats, and when she had her first litter of kids- I don’t know if it was the same reason her mother rejected her or because they were goats and not puppies- she rejected them. One of the things I feel guiltiest about to this day was that one of her kids went missing when it was a few days old and already doing very poorly. They weren’t responding to the bottle feeding and Bell wouldn’t nurse unless you made her and even then she didn’t seem to produce enough milk. I went looking for the kid, knowing that one of the dogs had to have gotten it, and when I found it our Siberian Huskie had it. It was dead and I assumed she’d "kid"napped it to eat it and I yelled at her, slapped her, and was just determined to put the fear of God and or Michael Landon into her for killing the poor little thing. She was a sweet and gentle dog but also a great hunter- always tracking rabbits and small game- and I wanted to let her know “THESE AREN’T FOR YOU!” Later I went into the shed where the other baby goat was to give it a feeding. There was Ashley (the Huskie) lying on her side trying to nudge the baby goat to her nipple. That’s when I realized she hadn’t intentionally killed the other baby goat if she’d killed it at all- she had stolen it in an attempt to feed it. (Ashley had pups that had just been weaned so she still had milk.) Ah… never felt so bad for yelling at an animal. (Animals will kidnap and nurse other animal’s babies- I’ve seen dogs let kittens suckle, and my aunts had a senile old cat who was notorious for stealing kittens from much younger mothers and trying to nurse them even though she hadn’t had a litter or produced milk in years.) The other baby goat died as well. Later Bel had a litter of four kids (as rare as twins for a human) and was the perfect mother and they all grew up sound and healthy and played with the dogs who never messed with them like they did other livestock. The dogs hated Bel’s “husband”, Brigham, and her sister-wife Cuckoo, both of whom would butt hell out of them [Brig had horns, Cuckoo just had nubs but was the worse butt-er] if they came anywhere near him, but then Bel hated Brigham and Cuckoo too, though she would go get her freak on with him voluntarily when she was in season and in the mood. I named the billy Brigham not because of his wives but because of his beard and because of one of my favorite stories about Brigham Young: once a two-faced Federal official wrote a letter praising Young’s efforts in Utah to Young but wrote another referring to Young as a “greedy and priapistic old billy goat” to his superiors in D.C.. Unfortunately he put them in the wrong envelopes so that Young got the latter letter- he forwarded it back to the official with a handwritten note “Dear Sir, I fear this was intended for your superiors. I thank you for the kind words you undoubtedly sent them about me. Sincerely yours, the old billy goat.” Sorry, that was a seriously long hijack, but the point is don’t name a goat Brigham if you expect domestic harmony and no trouble with the authorities. ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2007, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/42 "2007-04-25T19:06:37Z")
[QUOTE=Marlitharn] Be my guest. 😃 I still miss that goat. [/QUOTE] Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2007, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/43 "2007-04-25T21:33:59Z")
Thank _you_. In all my years on the Dope, you’re the first person to ever quote me in a sig! ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2007, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/44 "2007-04-25T21:52:44Z")
🙂 I want a goat! ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2007, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/45 "2007-04-29T13:12:52Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] “Maybe you can answer this for me. It’s something we were talking about at church yesterday and something I’ve often wondered. The Jews are some of the most intelligent people on Earth and the most intelligent people on Earth are often Jews, and yet they never accepted Christ as their Messiah even though he fulfilled every last one of the prophecies. Do you have an opinion on that…” “Well, largely it was HOO-WAH! No actually at the moment I don’t…” Now of course I have many opinions on this starting with the fact the premise is completely wrong. It’s far from accepted that Christ fulfilled all the prophecies and far more probable that he did not and then there’s the whole ‘Jews defined Messiah a whole lot differently than we do in retrospect’ and all that, and this isn’t even touching the fact that it’s a complimentary stereotype it’s probably no more accurate than most stereotypes: I’ve known several Jews and some were truly bright some were truly not, but I don’t think that’s even relevant to the issue of messianic prophecies. And there’s a whole lot else I’d really like to say about the matter of Christian theology versus Jewish theology of antiquity as world religion’s one of my absolute favorite subjects but the twin factors of a hand up my ass and it’s connected by a short arm and neck to a moustache that would make Yosemite Sam get Kyan on the speed dial form a collusion of disturbances that short circuits my usually keen desire to discuss such matters. “I don’t really KNOWWWWW…” I state, and his latexed hand does to my ass what Bush refuses to even consider doing with American troops. I turn and see his glove being smeared onto a card. “It’s just something I find… I don’t know… fascinating. It’s like they’re under a spell… or… well I hate to add the supernatural.” Finished smearing my stalagshites onto the card he points a finger toward the ceiling and says “It’s almost as if God doesn’t want them to, as if it’s serving a divine purpose” and ordinarily I’d argue this premise all day but ordinarily it doesn’t involve a gloved finger containing my fecal matter near the moustache I want to take a weed whacker to. “Yeah…” I say, and whether it’s from The Honourable Don Rectus, Ambassador With Portfolio from the Colonic Colonies and Free Prostate of the Ass Sampiro, whose robes are currently flying behind him as he screams “We demand not only to know what the fuck THAT was about but we demand immediate assurance the withdrawal is permanent!” in the domed chambers of my mental Congress, or just the fact that it would take 6 hours just to work through the most major logical and informational gaps in his whole premise, I just say “Strange… that.” “Yeah, it really is. I can only think it’s got to do with an actual plan. Good news… no cancer or growths. See this card? It would turn blue if there were.” And he shows me the card and I think to myself that one’s not going in with the STAR WARS cards and BEATLES cards in my collection. After some various other unaccustomed to being touched appendages and cavities are gone over he concludes with “I really enjoy religious discussion. You should come to my church sometime. We talk like this all the time.”. [/QUOTE] It took me a week to realize this- you’re getting a physical exam, the Doc is checking your colon while jabbering on about God’s plan in the Jewish rejection of Christ… you, my friend, are living in a Walker Percy novel! ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2007, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/46 "2007-04-29T13:15:15Z")
[QUOTE=Sampiro] I’ve been meaning to look this up because I’ve heard it referenced: laser procedure and smoking. It just sounds painful (and I prefer Bics). [/QUOTE] No, it’s more like acupuncture, but they use lasers. It’s not like they slice open your skull a la Sylar and laser out the part in your brain that craves nicotine. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2009, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/47 "2009-03-05T14:07:23Z")
**Sampiro** When in the hell are you going to submit your work for publishing? > [@](#): > > “Tell me about the cause of your father’s stress.” > > “She died from smoking last August.” Brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2009, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/48 "2009-03-05T14:39:04Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > PPS- Out of curiosity, has anyone on SDMB ever quit smoking through hypnosis (or done anything else impressive through hypnosis)? My mom did, it was the only thing that worked after she tried all the other ways to do it. It didn’t work for my dad, though, he quit a few months after my mom did (and after he went to the hypnotist with her) because he promised her that if she did, he would too. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2009, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/49 "2009-03-05T14:57:33Z")
> [@Tupug\_Anachi](#): > > My current husband had a major heart attack two years ago (100% blockage of the right coronary artery). He hasn’t had a cigarette since that day. My father stopped smoking when he had his first heart attack in 1976. Then he switched to chewing tobacco. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264/50 "2009-03-05T15:29:42Z")
I laughed very hard at this the first time around, but it’s time to let go of our ankles and BRAAAAINS. Locked. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/grab-your-ankles-think-of-jesus-or-why-ive-switched-dr-s-very-long-pointless/401264.md?page=2)