# Great Christmas jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 9, 2008, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392 "2008-12-09T14:54:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/1 "2008-12-09T14:54:52Z")
Do you have any good Christmas jokes? One of my favorites is about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/2 "2008-12-09T15:00:23Z")
Don’t know how _good_ they are, but: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED… - 1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear? - 1. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are - 1. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas - 1. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me - 1. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and… - 1. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me - 1. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire - 1. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why - 1. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? - 1. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’ ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/3 "2008-12-09T15:01:20Z")
Why did Prancer cross the road? He didn’t, froze in the headlights. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/4 "2008-12-09T15:22:33Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED… You forgot Claustrophobia. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/5 "2008-12-09T15:34:34Z")
Santa’s sleigh has crashed into an outhouse and is precariously balanced on top, with the reindeer scattered about. Santa yells: “Rudolph, you idiot. I said the Schmidt house!” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/6 "2008-12-09T15:58:03Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > You forgot Claustrophobia. Working on it. So far I’ve got O Crowded Little Town of Bethle-Get Me Out I Can’t Breathe ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/7 "2008-12-09T16:32:59Z")
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn’t. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. “I CAN’T believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?” Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says, “Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year??” And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop Christmas trees came to pass… ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/8 "2008-12-09T16:53:24Z")
Damn it, **Ethilrist** , you took my favorite Christmas story. One year at a Christmas Eve party I told it to a Greek Orthodox priest who had never heard it before, and he laughed so hard he had an asthma attack. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/9 "2008-12-09T17:03:20Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Working on it. So far I’ve got O Crowded Little Town of Bethle-Get Me Out I Can’t Breathe I was thinking more along the lines of Santa getting his fat ass stuck in someone’s narrow chimney. Igor and Sveta are walking through downtown Moscow. They run into their good friend Rudy, who is a member of the Red Guard. “Looks like is going to rain”, says Rudy. Sveta replies “Nyet, is not going to rain.” “Is rain!” says Rudy. “Is not rain!” says Sveta. Igor tells his wife “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.” ---
**Author:** ![Hi\_Neighbor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hi_neighbor/32/494_2.png) [@Hi\_Neighbor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hi_Neighbor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/10 "2008-12-09T17:24:13Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Santa’s sleigh has crashed into an outhouse and is precariously balanced on top, with the reindeer scattered about. Santa yells: > > “Rudolph, you idiot. I said the Schmidt house!” I picture this as a _Far Side_ cartoon. ---
**Author:** ![Carnacki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5e925/32.png) [@Carnacki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnacki)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/11 "2008-12-09T18:28:23Z")
Not a joke, but a Christmas poem I wrote. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when - what in the hell? A fat bearded man standing ringing my doorbell? Checking the time as I got out of bed, I opened the door, there he was - all in red. I moaned “Jesus Christ, it’s a quarter to two” He replied “Well, I would have gone down through the flue But your chimney is clogged up, with ashes and shit.” I sarcastically said “Be right back, let me clean it.” He said “Not to worry, just come to deliver Your presents!” His grin, down my spine, sent a shiver. So I invited him in. (In my good chair he sat. I thought he would break it - my god he was fat!) He exclaimed “Merry Christmas!” Me: “Big fat hairy deal.” He retorted “I’ve not come to give, but to steal Your money.” With this, he pulled out a gun, Aimed it at me, whispered “Your fucked now, son”. So he looted my place, and took all my money. When he laughed “Ho, ho, ho”, I asked “What’s so funny? Christmas is time for giving, and sharing. And here you rob me? You’re sick…and uncaring!” He replied “I’m so sorry you feel that way, mac” And finished his theft, put my shit in a sack. And as he was leaving, I spit at the creep Who said “Well goodnight, and have a nice sleep.” But I heard him exclaim from my car he’d done stole: “Have a fucking grand Christmas and New Year, asshole!” ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/12 "2008-12-09T18:36:50Z")
This only makes sense if you say it with an Appalachian accent… Why were the three wise men covered in ashes? They came from afar. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/13 "2008-12-09T18:58:11Z")
Why wasn’t Jesus born in (some ethnic country that you wish to insult)? They couldn’t find a virgin or three wise men. ---
**Author:** ![yanceylebeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yanceylebeef/32/12290_2.png) [@yanceylebeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yanceylebeef)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/14 "2008-12-09T19:30:47Z")
Why are preists and christmas trees alike? Their balls are strictly ornamental. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/15 "2008-12-09T19:57:21Z")
Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/16 "2008-12-09T19:58:06Z")
Speaking of Christmas poems/parodies, [here’s the one I posted last year](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=444801). ---
**Author:** ![Litoris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9f8e36/32.png) [@Litoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Litoris)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/17 "2008-12-09T21:30:53Z")
I just read on CNN that Santa just got arrested. He was standing on the corner ho ho ho-ing ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2008, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/18 "2008-12-09T21:39:29Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > Do you have any good Christmas jokes? One of my favorites is about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa. A little kid wanted nothing more than the little red wagon on page 150 of the JC Penney Christmas catalog. He started to write letters to Santa, extolling his goodness and virtues over the past year. Then he decided this wasn’t enough, and that he’d go straight to the top. He took the Mary figure from the Nativity, wrapped it up, hid it under the bed, and started a new letter. “Dear Jesus, If I don’t get the little red wagon on page 150 of the catalog, you’ll never see your mother again.” ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/19 "2008-12-10T00:04:20Z")
What goes ho, ho, ho, thump, thump? Santa Claus laughing his balls off. Agoraphobic - I Wonder As I Wander Out Under The Sky, if I don’t get indoors soon I’m going to die Found on the Internet: Antisocial personality disorder - We Wish You a Merry Christmas, a Long, Long Way Away From Here Psychotic personality - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Cut Out Your Liver And Burn Down Your House Drug-addicted - Angels We Have Heard While High Depressive - Silent Dark Black Night That Never Ends Dyslexic - The Little Drummer Yob ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392/20 "2008-12-10T00:29:29Z")
Here’s a link to naughty Christmas carols [http://bikewinter.org/events/rampage/naughtyCarols.php#s7](http://bikewinter.org/events/rampage/naughtyCarols.php#s7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-christmas-jokes/476392.md?page=2)