# GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 23, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343 "2001-09-23T15:24:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/1 "2001-09-23T15:24:20Z")
GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !! So it’s 6:37 on a Sunday morning. I’m up because my new cat and I haven’t come to an agreement about where he’s gonna sleep: Shadow wants to sleep ON my face. I want him to sleep anywhere else. Especially since he kneeds his paws in his sleep. Ow. Anyway, I stumble to the computer and check my e-mail. And what do I see? **GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!!** All caps and too many exclamation points. This will, most likely, not be good. I try to consider any way this could be legit. I think “Is this in regards to the query about absinthe that I posted a few weeks back? A witty reference to the “Candy is dandy/but liquor is quicker” thing?” Alas. No. It’s spam. I read it anyway. It begins: **It’s HOT, It’s a Solution, and It’s Guaranteed!** "How are they gonna ship it if it’s hot? In a thermos? and well, DUH. If it’s in a bottle it’s pretty obvious it’s a solution, not a solid. And on that last one, “Guaranteed”, oh no. I’ve been doing tech support for _far_ too long. You didn’t say “Guaranteed” to do _anything_. So if it doesn’t do whatever you haven’t promised you can say “Oh, it’s guaranteed to be wet.” and I get nothing! **Men and Women of all ages now have the Ultimate Solution!** To what? What are you talking about? The Ultimate Solution to LIFE, THE UNIVERSE and EVERYTHING? TO World Hunger? Be specific! **The #1 BEST SELLING 100% ALL NATURAL APHRODISIAC IN AMERICA!** Ah. Now it becomes clear. Several points. Point the first: Arsenic is ALL NATURAL. Cyanide is ALL NATURAL. My poop is ALL NATUR…well, maybe not my poop. But you get my point. Point the second: #1 BEST SELLING? As opposed to, what? The #7 best selling? Department of redundancy department. Point the third: Document it. **Do you want to improve your Sex Life?** Well, sure! Who doesn… \ Consarn it! Yuh cain’t improve on perfection! If Ah wuz any better in bed, Ah’d have uh Kama-Sutra position named after me! \ (anyone ever notice how much Fenris’s \ sounds _exactly_ like Yosemite Sam?) **Our product is an all Natural Herbal formula that is guaranteed to increase your sexual performance!** Why does this sound like a shampoo commercial? (except for the “sexual performance” part? _ALL NEW **LATHERIFIC** shampoo! An all Natural Herbal formula 'specially designed to make your follicles get niiiice and haaaaaaard!_ **Again, it’s all natural so your body doesn’t get harmful side effects.** Again, like arsenic, curare, or cyanide? \*\*You’ll be “in the mood” more often and enjoy sex anywhere, anytime, and to the fullest extent. \*\* How can I be “in the mood” more often? I’m a _guy_ fer cryin’ out loud! You can’t get more often than **100 freakin’ percent of the time**. I have exactly 3 neurons that I use for breathing, eating and deficating. The rest is _devoted_ to sex. **Our product can really put the spark right back in your relationship!** \ One must _have_ a relationship, for a spark to be put back into it. \ Thanks for bringing up the anguish that is my life, dicknut. \*\*To learn more and to take advantage of our special offer visit our link below! \*\* So I went. And I’m hit with a message that said “I’ve had fantastic sex but this stuff made me feel like I had rockets shooting out everywhere…rockets!!!” and I’m thinking "I’ve had that feeling too, but only after the unfortunate accident with on the Fourth of July. I read down further and find out that it can cure my PMS and Menopause as well as give me **NATURALLY TRIGGEREd ERECTIONS** (as opposed to, what? Radio controlled ones?) Anyway, I’m not bothered by my PMS or Menopause, and if I think about sex more, I’ll probably die from lack of breathing. So, thanks, but no thanks! Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/2 "2001-09-23T15:50:05Z")
\*\*GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!! \*\* I predict this is gonna replace “Jesus H. Christ on a po-go stick!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/3 "2001-09-23T15:52:06Z")
I had great sex in a bottle once. Had a hell of a time getting my penis back out though. [sub]Oh, yeah, like you didn’t _know_ someone was going to come up with that![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/4 "2001-09-23T16:24:06Z")
euty, dont you mean great sex WITH a bottle? (insert smirky-face emoticon here) as soon as jarbabyj releases her new product, liquid fuck (comes in six great flavors, my favorite is ivanka trump), there will be great sex in a bottle. i can only hope. ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/5 "2001-09-23T16:29:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eutychus55 \* > \*\*I had great sex in a bottle once. > > Had a hell of a time getting my penis back out though. > \*\* next time…try using something other than an airline liquor bottle… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/6 "2001-09-23T16:39:10Z")
> [@](#): > > **It’s HOT, It’s a Solution, and It’s Guaranteed!** > "How are they gonna ship it if it’s hot? In a thermos? Nononono…! It’s not “hot”, _temperature_-wise. It’s HOT. Stolen. Probably off the back of truck in a toxic waste depot. It’s turning their skin black, because it’s _also_ **HOT**. Radioactive! That’s why it’s so darned effective! It puts a nuclear blast in every orgasm! It gives you that tingly, just-been-irradiated feel, for a _great_ after-sex glow! ---
**Author:** ![xcheopis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xcheopis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xcheopis)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/7 "2001-09-23T17:26:39Z")
Ya know, that sounds like a great tag line for a sidekick: “Great sex in a bottle, Viagra-Man! They’re pouring Hot Liquid Fuck[sup]TM[/sup] into the water supply!” ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/8 "2001-09-23T20:24:23Z")
essvee, you are WAY behind. they’ve gone far beyond mere “liquid fuck” now! the new standard is “fuck gas” (it fills the volume!) and “plasmatic fuck” (now with free-associating ions!). in fact, the cutting edge stuff is now “fuck strangelets” (who knows what the hell they do!) and “exotic matter fuck” (warping reality, one fuck at a time!). why, there’s even stranger stuff being developed now, stuff like “singularity fuck” (it’ll DRAW YOU IN!) and “fuck glassite expansive crystal lattice” (it’s like ICE, man!). i mean, really. get with the times! ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/9 "2001-09-23T20:26:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xcheopis \* > **Hot Liquid Fuck[sup]TM[/sup]** Ahem… … … … Wait for it… … … BAND NAME! ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/10 "2001-09-23T21:01:55Z")
If I could have sex in a bottle The first thing that I’d like to do. Is to save every fuck 'till eternity passes away, Just to spend it with you. Zette ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/11 "2001-09-23T21:05:08Z")
damn, zette… that was touching… you’ve got me all headbanging over here… i think i’m gonna jump in a mosh pit… \ ---
**Author:** ![Cap\_n\_Crude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Cap\_n\_Crude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cap_n_Crude)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/12 "2001-09-23T21:15:26Z")
> [@](#): > > I had great sex in a bottle once. Yeah. Damn, that Barbara Eden sure is a babe, ain’t she? ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/13 "2001-09-23T21:31:12Z")
\*\* > [@](#): > > I had great sex in a bottle once. But it turned out I had a heart of glass… ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/14 "2001-09-23T22:44:03Z")
“this stuff made me feel like I had rockets shooting out everywhere…rockets!!!” I had that too, once. I had to take a course of penicillin and lay off the all-you-can-eat curry buffets. ---
**Author:** ![schplebordnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@schplebordnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schplebordnik)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/15 "2001-09-23T22:50:50Z")
I’ll send an SOS to the world I’ll send and SOS to the world I hope that someone finds my I hope that someone finds my Great Sex in a Bottle Great Sex in a Bottle Given that Sting has already sold out for car commercials, and used to claim 8 hour tantric sex sessions, I see a real synergy here… ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/16 "2001-09-23T22:51:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cap’n Crude \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > I had great sex in a bottle once. > > Yeah. Damn, that Barbara Eden sure is a babe, ain’t she? \*\* Great Cap’n, now I gotta clean the coffee off my keyboard. ---
**Author:** ![schplebordnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@schplebordnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schplebordnik)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/17 "2001-09-23T23:07:18Z")
On a related note, I heard a radio ad this morning with the following (somewhat paraphrased): “Did you know that 60% of women are dissatisfied with their man’s size.” “Gentlemen, now you know, size DOES matter.” “Product X [can’t remember the name] is a topical cream that can add up to 3” to your size." How’s that for playing into insecurities…? ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/18 "2001-09-23T23:18:12Z")
No worse then the mens hair ads that say “Will she still love me if I’m bald?” Talk about unbelievable. Zette ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/19 "2001-09-23T23:21:30Z")
“Just the Way You Are” Don’t go changin’ Your tiny pee-pee. It’s never let me down before… mmmmmmmmm I can’t imagine A huge 12 incher. Trying to get past my poor jaw. IIiiiii get fine pleasure From your penis, It never has gone way too far. mmmmmmmmm I just want someone That I can swallow. I’ll take you just the way you are. ---
**Author:** ![schplebordnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@schplebordnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schplebordnik)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343/20 "2001-09-23T23:24:09Z")
the thread has taken an unexpected turn. now we need a song for that “spray-on hair” stuff that Ron Popeil uses… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/great-sex-in-a-bottle/83343.md?page=2)