# Greatest Comedy Movie Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 3, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421 "2005-08-03T14:24:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/1 "2005-08-03T14:24:53Z")
Over in the [Blazing Saddles](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=328356) thread, a lot is made of quotability, which is kind of derailing that thread. So I figured this warranted a thread of its own. What _are_ the greatest comedy movie quotes of all time? I’ll start with: _History of the World Part I_ - “It’s good to be the king.” _Blues Brothers_ - “We’re on a mission … from God.” _Ghostbusters_ - “If someone asks you if you’re a god … you say _yes_!” _Airplane!_ - “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit \.” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/2 "2005-08-03T14:58:32Z")
“And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” “Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and outside of the improvement, she’ll never know the difference.” “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.” “How many syllables, Mario?” “'Tain’t a fit night out for man nor beast.” “Son,” my daddy says to me, “I am sorry I am not able to bankroll you to a large start, but not having the necessary lettuce to get you rolling, instead I’m going to stake you to some very valuable advice. One of these days in your travels, a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is not yet broken. Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades jump out of this brand-new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not accept this bet, because as sure as you stand there, you’re going to wind up with an ear full of cider.” “It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve killed. What matters is how I get along with the people who are still alive.” “You’ll laugh! You’ll cry! You’ll kiss three bucks goodbye!” "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. " “E-mer-gen-cy. Everybody to get from street.” "I am an alien spouse of female military personnel en route to the United States under public law 271 of the Congress. " I leave the attribution as an exercise for the student. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/3 "2005-08-03T15:11:08Z")
[QUOTE=RealityChuck"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. "[/QUOTE] Not a movie quote. Still danged funny, though. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleanor_of_Aquitaine)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/4 "2005-08-03T15:26:21Z")
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. " ---
**Author:** ![big\_dogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f1d935/32.png) [@big\_dogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/big_dogs)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/5 "2005-08-03T15:46:42Z")
“She turned me into a newt!..I got better.” “I believe you still have my stapler” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JerH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bb73d2/32.png) [@JerH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerH)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/6 "2005-08-03T15:47:26Z")
“I’m really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.” “For those of you just joining us, today we’re teaching poodles how to fly.” “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” “You’ll shoot your eye out.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/7 "2005-08-03T15:53:15Z")
_I Love You to Death_ is such a wealth of great quotes that I’m surprised it doesn’t get mentioned more. Joey: A guy in a Abraham Lincoln a-mask tried to hit me with a baseball a-bat. Policeman: Just describe what happened. Joey: OK, a-basically, some a-guy in a Abraham Lincoln a-mask tries to bean me with a baseball a-bat. Mother in law: Did you get a good look at his face? Joey: Yeah, he a-looked like a-Abraham Lincoln, a-comin’ up to a-bat. “Shoot him in the heart.” “Where’s the heart?” “I don’t know. Oh wait, school! Remember in school, the Pledge of Allegience? Hand over your heart?” “Yeah, yeah. I pledge of allegience, to the flag, of the United States of America. And to the Republic, with amber waves of purple mountains, one nation, deliver us from freedom.” “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It’s been two weeks since my last confession. I’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain, uh, couple a times, and, oh, I cheated on my wife. Uh, four times. Last week. And, uh, three times, the week before. But one was the same woman from the first week, no, wait, two women. So let’s see, it was seven times with five women in two weeks. Well, it was more than one time, but seven separate occasions. Sometimes it was more than one time on just one occasion, sometime a lot more, know what I mean? Like there was this one woman…” ---
**Author:** ![Labdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Labdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labdad)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/8 "2005-08-03T15:55:19Z")
“Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped!” (Groucho as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush in _A Day at the Races_) ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/9 "2005-08-03T15:56:28Z")
“St Louis?” “No, I’m Navin Johnson.” ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/10 "2005-08-03T16:06:44Z")
“So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.” “Yes it’s true, the man has no dick.” “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.” ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/11 "2005-08-03T16:07:33Z")
“Daddy, I got cider in my ear!” Thanks, **RealityChuck**. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/12 "2005-08-03T16:09:29Z")
“You can’t dust for vomit”. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/13 "2005-08-03T16:12:52Z")
“He vas . . . my boyfriend!” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/14 "2005-08-03T16:16:41Z")
You’re happy. I hate that! Is this the potato farm? Yes, I’m Albert Potato. Doctor Little Old Man! That’s Doctor Little-Oldman. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/15 "2005-08-03T16:19:05Z")
“Hold still, Godfrey, it’ll all be over in a minute.” Best closing line in movie history. ---
**Author:** ![Bomzaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Bomzaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bomzaway)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/16 "2005-08-03T16:20:33Z")
From The Big Lebowski: Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. The Dude: Yeah, but Walter… Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish. * * * Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this? The Dude: Obviously you’re not a golfer. * * * Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes “click.” The Dude: Jesus. Jesus Quintana: You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. ## _For those that haven’t seen it, Jesus is pronounced in the Christian manner._ Bunny Lebowski: Ulli doesn’t care about anything. He’s a Nihilist. The Dude: Ah. Must be exhausting * * * ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/17 "2005-08-03T16:24:02Z")
Duck Soup: “Remember, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor. Which is more than she ever did.” “Gentlemen, Ravelli\* may look like an idiot, he may talk like an idiot, he may act like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: He really is an idiot.” \*Or whatever the name of Chico’s character was. A Night at the Opera: “Nine dollars? That’s outrageous! [Hands the bill to his date] If I was you, I wouldn’t pay it.” “A thousand dollars a week for singing? Why, you can get a record of Minnie the Moocher for 99 cents. For a dollar and a quarter, you can get Minnie.” “There ain’t no sanity clause.” Just for starters. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/18 "2005-08-03T16:27:15Z")
Two of the funniest men in history: W.C. Fields: “I’ll be sober tomorrow. You’ll be crazy the rest of your life.” Zero Mostel: “He raped Thrace thrice?” ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/19 "2005-08-03T16:39:41Z")
Oh, and I can’t forget the Wood-man: “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/20 "2005-08-03T16:40:44Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.” “They _broke_ the chalice from the palace?” - Danny Kaye [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421.md?page=2)