# Greatest Comedy Movie Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 3, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421 "2005-08-03T14:24:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/21 "2005-08-03T16:43:46Z")
From my own [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=328356): “I want rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!” ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/22 "2005-08-03T17:11:36Z")
Chico: “The garbage man is here.” Groucho: “Well, tell him we don’t want any.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/23 "2005-08-03T17:16:25Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > From my own [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=328356): “I want rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!” “What crimes did you commit?” “Rape, murder, cattle rustlin’, and rape.” “Wait, you said rape twice.” “I like rape.” ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/24 "2005-08-03T17:24:02Z")
“You told her I was a virgin?” “A girl likes a challenge.” “You told her I was _gay_!” “A bigger challenge.” * * * “No, we’re not gay, but we are willing to learn.” * * * “It’s 130 miles to Chicago. We’ve got a quarter tank of gas and a half a pack of cigarettes. It’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” “Hit it.” * * * ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/25 "2005-08-03T17:29:40Z")
Each of these movies has at least 10 other punchlines that can be substituted, and I wouldn’t argue with any of them. **Airplane** I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley **Some Like It Hot** Nobody’s perfect. **Animal House** …And that foot is me! **Stripes** We’re not gay, but we’re willing to learn **Monty Python and the Holy Grail** Run away! Run away! **A League of Their Own** “Don’t get the clap.” Signed, Jimmy Dugan. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/26 "2005-08-03T19:00:26Z")
“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/27 "2005-08-03T19:08:31Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” Awesome and very dangerous quote. ---
**Author:** ![lhovis73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecd19e/32.png) [@lhovis73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lhovis73)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/28 "2005-08-03T19:25:37Z")
“People like blood sausage too. People are morons.” from _Groundhog Day_…not only funny (to me at least), but a fundamental truth about life… Jeff Goldblum’s bit in _Annie Hall_: “I forgot my mantra.” Big Swedish guy in Fargo: “I need unguent.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/29 "2005-08-03T19:31:46Z")
From _The Ladykillers_ (the remake): “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor G.H. Dorr, Ph.D.” “Like Elmer?” “I beg your pardon?” “Fudd!” “Ah, no, Ph.D., as in Doctor of Philosophy.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/30 "2005-08-03T19:37:02Z")
“I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got.” “Well, not unless round is funny.” “Hi, you’re young, you got your health, what do you want with a job?” “Gov’ment do take a bite, don’t she?” “Son, you got a panty on your head.” “Well, OK, then.” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/31 "2005-08-03T19:41:38Z")
“Make up yer mind, young feller. If I freeze, I can’t rightly drop to the floor. Whereas, if I drop, I’ll be in motion.” Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/32 "2005-08-03T19:44:50Z")
> [@photopat](#): > > “It’s 130 miles to Chicago. We’ve got a quarter tank of gas and a half a pack of cigarettes. It’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.” > > “Hit it.” “It’s **106** miles to Chicago. We’v got a\*\* full \*\* tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it!” Sorry, but you’re going to quote, you have to get it right. ---
**Author:** ![Indyellen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/indyellen/32/4176_2.png) [@Indyellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indyellen)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/33 "2005-08-03T19:59:26Z")
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin’, Tex!” “She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she’s a client and because she sleeps above her covers… _four feet_ above her covers.” “But Delta’s already on probation.” “They are? Well, as of this moment, they’re on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!” "He’ll keep calling me, he’ll keep calling me until I come over. He’ll make me feel guilty. This is uh… This is ridiculous, ok I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. What - I’LL GO. Shit. " "Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. " “Who’s that then?” “I dunno, must be a king.” “Why?” “He hasn’t got shit all over him.” “If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.” ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/34 "2005-08-03T20:07:58Z")
“Why don’t we take your car?” “You’re drinkin’ it.” “You sold your car to throw a party?” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/35 "2005-08-03T20:12:09Z")
“You can’t fool me. There ain’t no sanity clause!” I’ll leave it at that so as to not cut and paste the entire scene. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/36 "2005-08-03T20:15:54Z")
> [@42fish](#): > > A Night at the Opera: > > “Nine dollars? That’s outrageous! [Hands the bill to his date] If I was you, I wouldn’t pay it.” > > “A thousand dollars a week for singing? Why, you can get a record of Minnie the Moocher for 99 cents. For a dollar and a quarter, you can get Minnie.” > > “There ain’t no sanity clause.” “Either it’s foggy out, or make that a dozen hard boiled eggs.” ---
**Author:** ![Typically\_Sunday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Typically\_Sunday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typically_Sunday)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/37 "2005-08-03T20:52:55Z")
“What is this? A school for ants? It needs to be at least… THREE times bigger!” ---
**Author:** ![phungi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phungi/32/395_2.png) [@phungi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phungi)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/38 "2005-08-03T20:59:02Z")
“those aren’t pillows…” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/39 "2005-08-03T21:00:10Z")
> [@Typically Sunday](#): > > “What is this? A school for ants? It needs to be at least… THREE times bigger!” Obey my dog! ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/40 "2005-08-03T21:03:12Z")
Ok, so…she’s a dog. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421.md?page=3)