# Greatest Comedy Movie Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 3, 2005, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421 "2005-08-03T14:24:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/41 "2005-08-03T21:06:56Z")
“I’m engaged!” “Who’s the lucky girl?” “ME!” ::goes back to singing the tango and shaking the marimbas:: ---
**Author:** ![Sensibility](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@Sensibility](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensibility)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/42 "2005-08-03T21:17:01Z")
You call that a knife?? THIS is a knife… Crocodile Dundee ---
**Author:** ![theJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2acd7d/32.png) [@theJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/theJoy)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/43 "2005-08-03T21:17:48Z")
Fletch - “it’s all ball bearings nowadays” National Lampoon’s Vacation - “the moose says you’re closed, i say you’re open” “i don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. it does just fine by itself” ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/44 "2005-08-03T21:26:08Z")
> [@Sensibility](#): > > You call that a knife?? > THIS is a knife… > Crocodile Dundee From the first sequel: “Now _that’s_ a knife!” ---
**Author:** ![Sensibility](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@Sensibility](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensibility)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/45 "2005-08-03T21:35:48Z")
I stand corrected! Thank you Lute! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/46 "2005-08-03T22:21:21Z")
Two from The Freshman: Carmine Sabatini: So this is college. Heh. I didn’t miss nothing. Clark Kellogg: There’s a kind of freedom in being completely screwed… because you know things can’t get any worse. From The Birdcage: Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I’m this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING! Armand: I made you short? Several From The Meaning of Life: Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning? Obstetrician: It’s a birth. Hospital Administrator: Ah. And what sort of thing is that? Dr. Spenser: Well, that’s where we take a new baby out of a lady’s tummy. Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowdays. Harry Blackitt: I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry’s and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, ‘Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I’ll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.’ Sergeant-Major: Don’t stand there gawping! Like you’ve never seen the hand o’ God before! Grim Reaper: You are all dead. I am Death. Host: Well, that’s cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/47 "2005-08-03T22:45:22Z")
> [@teela brown](#): > > “I’m engaged!” > > “Who’s the lucky girl?” > > “ME!” > > ::goes back to singing the tango and shaking the marimbas:: “But you’re a man. And why would a man marry another man?” “Security!” ---
**Author:** ![parthenokinesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/cc9497/32.png) [@parthenokinesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parthenokinesis)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/48 "2005-08-03T23:09:22Z")
“Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” “Nice beaver.” “Thanks, I just had it stuffed.” “But this one goes to eleven!” “It’s K-k-ken, c-c-coming to k-k-kill me! How are you gonna c-c-catch me, K-k-ken?” “You’re the one that’s gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!” “I’m not a charted accountant!” “Well you look like one!” ---
**Author:** ![greenlady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6f9a4e/32.png) [@greenlady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/greenlady)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/49 "2005-08-04T01:53:48Z")
From **Young Frankenstein"** - whenever “Frau Bleucher” was spoken. Also, another quip from **Young Frankentein** by Cloris Leachman, “Yes!! Say it!! He – was – my – boyfriend!” Another one of my all time favs is the original **National Lampoon’s Vacation** - not an actual quote, but I think it’s so hilaious when Chevy Chase briefly “exposes” his bologna sandwich from afar to Christie Brinkley. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/50 "2005-08-04T02:49:09Z")
“Listen the last man that said that to me was Archie Leach a week before he cut his throat.” "Do you know a man by the name of LaFong? Carl LaFong? Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o, small n, small g. LaFong. Carl LaFong. " “I was reading a book the other day.” “_Reading a book!!!_” “Yes. It’s all about civilization or something. A nutty kind of a book. Do you know that the guy says that machinery is going to take the place of every profession?” “Oh, my dear. That’s something you need never worry about.” “As long as there are sidewalks, you’ve got a job.” “I may vomit.” “maha-…” "Aha! Lazpanya se chekini fuchi a jimini haronji! " "Niagara Fall! Slowly I turn . . . " “Come, my fox, my flower! I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I’d like to discuss with thee.” ---
**Author:** ![Bomzaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Bomzaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bomzaway)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/51 "2005-08-04T04:50:46Z")
Blazing Saddles: Mongo only pawn in game of life. ======================================= Barbara Billingsley’s best lines from Airplane!: “Oh stewardess! I speak jive.” and “Chump don’t want no help, chump don’t get da’ help!” ======================================= Dumb and Dumber: “I fell off the jetway again.” "Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself! " "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. That John Denver is full of shit, man. " ======================================= Kingpin: “Some of the dresses ya’ got, ya’ need two hairdos to wear.” ======================================= ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/52 "2005-08-04T05:10:09Z")
Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say “let me tell you something” and “I just wanna say this”. Well, you’re dead now, so shut up. I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wrong kind. You had the wrong kind? I’ve never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money. Let me see if I’ve got this straight: in order to be grounded, I’ve got to be crazy and I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I’m not crazy any more and I have to keep flying. You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company. I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I’d been going all this time, I’d probably almost be cured by now. I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/53 "2005-08-04T05:15:46Z")
From _A Fish Called Wanda_ Archie is hanging upside down from the window and says “I apologise unreservedly…” Sorry I can’t quote it all. Something I need to replay and commit to memory. Great speech! Auto, the so-called-brother, _“Disappointed!”_ ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/54 "2005-08-04T05:19:33Z")
\*I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. \* ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/55 "2005-08-04T12:28:56Z")
_Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid:_ “I hadn’t seen a body put together like that since I’d solved the case of the murdered girl with the big tits.” _Trading Places:_ “I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.” ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/56 "2005-08-04T14:08:39Z")
I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/57 "2005-08-04T14:14:35Z")
> [@Peter Morris](#): > > I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground. I know, it all sounds like something out of a bad movie. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/58 "2005-08-04T15:10:34Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > \*I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. \* **silenus** - I might have know it would be you to come up with it. 😃 As always, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/59 "2005-08-04T16:13:20Z")
“… and so she had her Utopian Tubes tied.” “Ummm… Darlin’, that’s Fallopian. She had her Fallopian Tubes tied.” “No silly, them’s books of the bible… you know, 1st and 2nd Fallopians.” ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421/60 "2005-08-04T16:13:40Z")
“These go to 11.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-comedy-movie-quotes/315421.md?page=4)