# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/1 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")
This is meant as a companion to Quimby’s [In honor of the Simpsons 500th episode…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=642419) thread. Name your favorite Simpsons quotes. It doesn’t have to be one, I’m not going to be picky. I’ll start with the immortal: “To alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems!” ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/2 "2012-02-17T23:05:42Z")
The episode where women want to join the Navy (or whatever Navy-like group Springfield has). Smithers: I don’t think women and seamen should mix Burns : Yes, we know what you think. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/3 "2012-02-17T23:06:47Z")
“Why do I have the feeling that some day I’ll be describing this to a therapist?” -Lisa, after… well, it could be almost anything. “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!” -Ranier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man. Mostly because this one gets misquoted all the time. “Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors- oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about ‘What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?’” -perhaps Homer’s greatest rant “You’re always taking other people’s sides! Flanders, the water department, God…” -Homer again “I know I should not eat the, but… mmm, sacrilicious.” -Homer, after eating the “God” waffle ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/4 "2012-02-17T23:12:50Z")
“Call me back, Ishmael.” -Sea Captain “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there…please save me Superman!” -Homer And of course… “Hey, this ain’t art, it’s business! Whaddya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?” -Krusty ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/5 "2012-02-17T23:16:22Z")
“D’oh!” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/6 "2012-02-17T23:26:49Z")
“I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!” -Homer “In Retrospect yes!” - Homer’s response after a loan shark guy (I think) told him he should have payed earlier “But that’s a problem for future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy” -Homer These are all quotes I use in every day life ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/7 "2012-02-17T23:33:52Z")
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/8 "2012-02-17T23:44:25Z")
“But your ad says no money down.” “Oh, they got this all screwed up. _Works on contingency? No, money down!_” ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2012, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/9 "2012-02-17T23:48:46Z")
“Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?” ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/10 "2012-02-18T00:20:56Z")
Lisa: “Dad, don’t eat that eclair! It’s poisoned!” Homer: _shrugs_ “Eh, I’ve had a good run!” Lisa (desperately): “Um… Ah… It’s low fat!” Homer: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” _throws eclair, which explodes_ Chief Wiggen: “Man it’s lucky that thing landed in this smoking crater!” ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/11 "2012-02-18T00:25:34Z")
I was going to suggest the alcohol line too. So very true. Also: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. There are tons of others, but those two are my favourites. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbershoot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbershoot/32/3428_2.png) [@Bumbershoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbershoot)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/12 "2012-02-18T00:27:21Z")
Lurleen Lumpkin: “Oh Homer, you’re as smart as you are handsome!” Homer: “Hey! …Oh, you meant that as a compliment.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/13 "2012-02-18T00:38:43Z")
One that always makes me laugh: “Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” ---
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/14 "2012-02-18T00:48:55Z")
From Bart the Fink ([SNPP](http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F12.html)). It’s just full of gems, it’s one great Krusty rant: Bart: I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you, Krusty, but you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window. Krusty: No offense, kid, but your mom’s a dingbat! There’s no silverlining here. I was a big cheese. A _huge_ cheese! And now look at me! I got to ride the bus like a schnook. I got to live in an apartment like an idiot!I have to wait in line with a bunch of nobodies to buy groceries from a failure! Bart: It doesn’t matter what you did wrong, though, as long as you’re on TV people will respect you. Krusty: [spits] Bah. What good is respect without the moolah to back it up. Everywhere I go I see teachers driving Ferraris, research scientists drinking champagne. I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass! That’s no life for a famous clown. ---
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/15 "2012-02-18T00:50:06Z")
Also: ‘Save me, Jeebus!’ and: ‘9-1-1, this better be good!’ ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/16 "2012-02-18T00:51:38Z")
Gangster 1: “Hey, I thought you said you had him whacked?” Gangster 2: “No; I said he sleeps with the fishes.” Gangster 1: “…Ewwwww.” ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/17 "2012-02-18T00:56:14Z")
“But karma can only be apportioned out by the Cosmos!” - Homer "I never apologize Lisa! I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. " - Homer “I don’t know what God is exactly, but I know He’s a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.” - Lisa “The whole thing smacks of effort, man” - Slacker Kid “Are you being sarcastic, dude?” “I don’t even know anymore.” - Hullabalooza Teens ---
**Author:** ![Jilaad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jilaad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jilaad)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/18 "2012-02-18T01:04:29Z")
“You choo choo choose me? And there’s a picture of a train!” ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/19 "2012-02-18T01:10:42Z")
“I didn’t think this was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” ---
**Author:** ![Bumbershoot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbershoot/32/3428_2.png) [@Bumbershoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbershoot)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/20 "2012-02-18T01:17:37Z")
Dr. Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. Krusty: His ears if we’re lucky! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=2)