# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/181 "2012-02-22T17:59:08Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Oh yeah. That’s the best Abe quote ever. That whole onion thing makes me smile everytime I read or hear it. [History with Grandpa Simpson](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARXfQzfl9EQ). ---
**Author:** ![Jaguars](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaguars/32/5879_2.png) [@Jaguars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaguars)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2012, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/182 "2012-02-22T23:06:59Z")
I just remembered an old favourite (From one of the least popular episodes!) Edna: Oh, Superindendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee- flavored beverine? Chalmers: Yes, I take it grey, with cremium. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/183 "2012-02-23T00:05:58Z")
**Principal Skinner** : Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. ---
**Author:** ![Bytegeist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Bytegeist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bytegeist)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/184 "2012-02-23T00:48:20Z")
- I am disrespectful to dirt! Can you see that I am serious? What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of Mr. Sparkle. \* ---
**Author:** ![Daedelus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Daedelus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daedelus)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/185 "2012-02-23T01:40:46Z")
Milhouse: “Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? [slowly] Why did I have the bowl?” Marge, Bart, and Homer to Lisa [singing in a conga line]: “You don’t make friends with salad! You don’t make friends with salad!” Hans Moleman: “I was saying Boo-urns.” ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/186 "2012-02-23T02:16:39Z")
Some folk’ll never lose a toe, but then again some folk’ll, like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel. Cletus: Hey, Brandine I thought you might could wear these to your job interview. Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancing runway. No, you best bring’em back where from you got’em. Cleus:\Back you go to awaits for a woman of less discriminatin’ taste. — Hey, I could call my Ma while I’m up here. HEY MA! GET OFF THE DANG ROOF! ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/187 "2012-02-23T03:02:01Z")
I almost forgot one of my favorites! Back when I owned a car instead of taking public transportation every time I went someplace with a large parking lot or parking garage I always said, “Remember, we’re parked in the Itchy lot.” as I got out of the car. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/188 "2012-02-23T03:33:28Z")
The most memorable line for me came when Ralph accidentally got pepper sprayed. “Even my boogers are spicy!” ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/189 "2012-02-23T03:39:51Z")
Ooh, just remembered another! Homer, to the angry crowd, not realizing that Marge is standing behind him- “If Homer simpson wants his son to work in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson’s son is going to work in a burlesque house!” Homer turns around and realizes Marge heard everything. “Now Marge, you’re going to hear a lot of craaaaaazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house…” ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/190 "2012-02-23T06:43:20Z")
Which reminds me of the Best.Line.Ever… Mrs. Flanders: Excuse me Edna, I don’t think were talking about love here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N. Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down. ---
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/191 "2012-02-23T08:00:36Z")
Homer is at Professor Frink’s yard sale, eyeing up the Matter Transportation Machine Homer, scratching his chin: “…Two bucks, you say?..hmmmm…and it only transports matter?..I’ll give you 50 cents.” ---
**Author:** ![Smid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/838e76/32.png) [@Smid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smid)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/192 "2012-02-23T13:18:39Z")
Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy Burns: If only we’d listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Burns: Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons. And from the same episode (Last exit to springfield) as the last two quotes: LENNY: So long Dental Plan! LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. Charlie drops a pencil into Homer’s butt crack. CARL:Bullseye! HOMER: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. LENNY’S VOICE: Dental Plan! MARGE: Lisa needs braces. HOMER: (finally realizing) If we give up our dental plan… I’ll have to pay for Lisa’s braces! (to everyone) People, stop! We can’t give up our Dental Plan! Lenny, without the dental plan, you wouldn’t have that diamond in your tooth. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/193 "2012-02-23T14:00:04Z")
> [@Smid](#): > > Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy. Reminds me of that other funny quote: STEALING! How could you? Why do you think I took you to see all those “Police Academy” movies, FOR FUN? I DIDN’T HEAR ANYONE LAUGHING, DID YOU? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Tries to do a few] Now where was I? Oh, yeah: stay away from my booze. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/194 "2012-02-23T15:34:59Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > The most memorable line for me came when Ralph accidentally got pepper sprayed. > > “Even my boogers are spicy!” Isn’t that also the same episode with “Tastes like burning!”? ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/195 "2012-02-23T15:46:18Z")
Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? Dr. Wolfe was one of the greatest characters. I’m suprised they’ve never brought him back. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/196 "2012-02-23T15:53:25Z")
Nuggets of wisdom by Homer Simpson: If it doesn’t have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races. Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos! If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we’ll go inside and watch TV. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn’t - it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. The only guys who wear Hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals. Carnies built this country-- the carnival part of it, anyway. If God didn’t want me to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin. Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad, and I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves. I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “cover for me.” Number two, “oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “it was like that when I got here.” ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/197 "2012-02-23T15:53:48Z")
Another classic: Stupid sexy Flanders ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/198 "2012-02-23T16:26:28Z")
“Dr. Nick, the Coroner’s Office is on the phone for you.” “Again? Man, I’m so sick of that guy!” [leaving the office] Reporter: “Dr. Nick, where are all the bodies?” “I think I’m just going to go out this window today.” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/199 "2012-02-23T16:50:51Z")
Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no! ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/200 "2012-02-23T16:54:10Z")
Sign on a country store: Sneed’s Feed and Seed (Formerly Chuck’s) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=11)