# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Acorns.but\_not\_Bacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@Acorns.but\_not\_Bacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acorns.but_not_Bacon)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/201 "2012-02-23T17:31:09Z")
My cat’s breath smells like cat food. There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/202 "2012-02-23T17:52:01Z")
Look at those poor saps back on land with their “laws” and “ethics”. They’ll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/203 "2012-02-23T19:08:45Z")
If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/204 "2012-02-23T19:46:53Z")
Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids that Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won’t be saying anything or doing anything. Milhouse: Krusty looks fat… Lisa: He’s really having trouble keeping his balance… Ralph: He’s still funny, but not “ha ha” funny… * * * I’ve been scorched by Krusty before; I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn’t have a seven or an eight, and Krusty’s autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he’s gone too far! ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/205 "2012-02-23T21:14:34Z")
FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let’s just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi. Homer: Check! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [pause] FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson. Homer: I gotcha! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [again Homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other] [hours pass by] FBI man 1: [frustrated] Argh… Now when I say “Hello Mr. Thompson” and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. Homer: No problem. [stepping hard on Homer’s foot] FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds] Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he’s talking to you. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/206 "2012-02-24T00:09:32Z")
Grandpa Simpson: “I fell 8,000 feet onto a pile of jagged rocks. Of course, folks were a lot tougher in those days. Why, I was jitter-bugging it up that very night!” And a visual for us nerds 🙂 Milhouse: “I just entered my name. Thrillhouse.” Then cut to a visual: THRILLHO 😃 ---
**Author:** ![mcgato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac8455/32.png) [@mcgato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcgato)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/207 "2012-02-24T02:12:46Z")
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box ---
**Author:** ![Corcaigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Corcaigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corcaigh)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/208 "2012-02-24T14:34:21Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he’s talking to you. That was the one I was going to vote for! ---
**Author:** ![Smid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/838e76/32.png) [@Smid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smid)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/209 "2012-02-24T14:50:08Z")
After Marge aces the police shooting range: Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby. You missed the blind man. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/210 "2012-02-24T18:06:39Z")
_The Canine Mutiny_ (1997) Groundskeeper Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him! [raises a huge bone of meat] Bart Simpson: [gasps] Groundskeeper Willy: [tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I ‘ate the way he’s always barkin’! [tosses a bone behind him] Groundskeeper Willy: So, I gave him to the church. Bart Simpson: [relieved] Ohh, I see. You _hate_ him, so you gave him to the church. Groundskeeper Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug! [Bart turns around, stares at Willy] Groundskeeper Willy: Ya heard me! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/211 "2012-02-24T18:33:45Z")
As long as I’ve got my health, and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car, I don’t need anything else. ---
**Author:** ![PaperBlob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58956e/32.png) [@PaperBlob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaperBlob)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/212 "2012-02-24T18:58:50Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Mr. Black: Now I must tell you kids that Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won’t be saying anything or doing anything. > Milhouse: Krusty looks fat.. > Lisa: He’s really having trouble keeping his balance.. > Ralph: He’s still funny, but not “ha ha” funny.. > > * * * > > I’ve been scorched by Krusty before; I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn’t have a seven or an eight, and Krusty’s autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he’s gone too far! Great lines from the Kamp Krusty episode - one of my all-time favorites! Here are a few more funny items from that ep, including one of the best Kent Brockman quotes: **While the kids at Kamp Krusty are starved and tormented, the counsellors sit down to a sumptuous meal:** Jimbo Jones: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy. Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil. **Kent Brockman covering the Kamp Krusty mutiny led by Bart:** Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. **One of the best products ever:** Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel - 9 out of 10 orphans can’t tell the difference! When it’s all over, Krusty promises to take the kids to “the happiest place on Earth,” which turns out to be Tijuana. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/213 "2012-02-24T19:05:54Z")
Speaking of Brockman, I think this is one of the best Simpsons quotes ever. It’s from _Bart’s Comet_. The U.S. Senate considers a bill to save the city of Springfield, but the bill is voted down after one senator adds a rider that would give millions of dollars in funding to “the perverted arts.” Brockman: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.” ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/214 "2012-02-24T19:07:50Z")
Look out, Itchy – he’s IRISH!! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/215 "2012-02-26T01:12:39Z")
> [@The\_Tooth](#): > > Yoko Ono: I’d like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat. > Moe: Here ya go. I loved that Moe had it ready to go, and instantly put it on the counter at the same time as Barney’s beer. > [@mcgato](#): > > Marge: C’mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon. > Homer: That’s not how I remember it. Another classic! Homer’s tone of outrage really sells it. Some other favorites: Homer: Ooo, floor pie! Marge: You know how I feel about fake kidnappings! Homer: STILL? Homer (looking over DVDs at Rainier Wolfcastle’s garage sale): You got anything that’s not gay porn? Wolfcastle (wearily): Just what you see on the shelf. Mr. Burns: I need a partner, someone to help me with my big business comeback. Lisa: Nothing evil! Mr. Burns (pleased): That’s just the kind of fresh, outside-of-the-box thinking I’ve been looking for! Apu (as a long line forms in his parking lot during some crisis): Patience, everyone, patience, please! You will all have the same opportunity to be gouged. Homer: …and with the Internet and everything else nowadays, the kids practically raise themselves! Always liked the sight gag for the International Brotherhood of Jazz Dancers, Pastry Chefs and Nuclear Technicians, Local 643, which showed a dancer holding a cupcake set against a hydrogen atom. Lionel Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson forgets that she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? But I’m in the middle of a trial. Excuse me… [dials phone] Hello, David? I’m really tempted! David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time. And know that I love you. Hutz: I love you too, man. Hutz: I’ll be defending you on the charge of [looks at case file] Murder One! Wow, even if I lose, I’ll be famous! Hutz: I’ve studied law at some of the finest schools in the world. Harvard… Stanford… the Louvre… Hutz: Now, Marge, there’s the truth, and then there’s… the truth. Take a look at these pictures of houses for sale. How about this one? Marge: Well, it’s awfully small. Hutz: I’d say… it’s cozy. Marge: This one is a dump. Hutz: A real fixer-upper! Marge: This house is on fire! Hutz: Motivated seller! And who can forget the Canyonero (“…unexplained fires are a matter for the courts”)?: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6qpQzK2Rj4&feature=related](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6qpQzK2Rj4&feature=related) ---
**Author:** ![Bytegeist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Bytegeist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bytegeist)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/216 "2012-02-26T20:00:37Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Hutz: I’ve studied law at some of the finest schools in the world. Harvard… Stanford… the Louvre… > > Hutz: Now, Marge, there’s the truth, and then there’s… the truth. Take a look at these pictures of houses for sale. How about this one? Hmmmm. I hadn’t noticed before, but I guess Lionel Hutz has been both a lawyer _and_ a real estate agent? That’s quite a career transition. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/217 "2012-02-26T20:02:20Z")
“… Pure … West.” ---
**Author:** ![Noel\_Prosequi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b19c9b/32.png) [@Noel\_Prosequi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noel_Prosequi)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2012, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/218 "2012-02-28T00:26:54Z")
For mine, the best quotes are the ones that imply a huge backstory, like the one above about Marge disliking fake kidnappings…Still?! My favourite is when Homer is trying to get a gun out of a tree by throwing things at it. It falls to the ground and discharges, shooting him in the ass. Homer: “NOOO! Not the good cheek!” ---
**Author:** ![mkecane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9e8a1a/32.png) [@mkecane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mkecane)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2012, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/219 "2012-02-28T04:34:37Z")
Another from **Lisa’s Pony**. Homer (to Marge): First you didn’t want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind! ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2012, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/220 "2012-02-28T07:17:49Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > And who can forget the Canyonero (“…unexplained fires are a matter for the courts”)?: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6qpQzK2Rj4&feature=related](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6qpQzK2Rj4&feature=related) “It’s the Cadillac of automobiles!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=12)