# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2012, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/241 "2012-03-11T02:42:22Z")
My favourite ‘doesn’t remember Homer’ bit: ‘Smithers! Who is that lollygagger?’ ‘Homer Simpson, sir. One of our chair moisteners from Sector 7G.’ ---
**Author:** ![Bytegeist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Bytegeist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bytegeist)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2012, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/242 "2012-03-11T02:49:37Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > “Simpson, eh?” - Mr. Burns > > Running gag. He rarely remembers Homer. Burns: That man who’s getting all those laughs, Smithers. Who is he? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7G … Burns: I’m pleased to dedicate this remote work terminal. It will allow our safety inspector here to perform his duties from home. And so excelsior to you, Mr… [to Smithers] What’s the name of this gastropod? Smithers: Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7G. Burns: Who is that lavatory linksman, Smithers? Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7G. Burns: Well, he’s certainly got a loose waggle. Burns: Really Smithers, I’ll be fine. I’m sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway? Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way. Burns: Simpson, eh? ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/243 "2013-02-13T18:38:22Z")
L. T. Smash: It’s a three-pronged attack: subliminal, liminal and superliminal. Lisa: Superliminal? L. T. Smash: I’ll show you. (leans out of window) Hey, you! Join the Navy! Carl: Uh, yeah, all right. Lenny: I’m in. ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/244 "2013-02-13T18:47:55Z")
Krusty on the Canyonero: “It’s the Cadillac of automobiles!” ---
**Author:** ![mbetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/53a042/32.png) [@mbetter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbetter)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/245 "2013-02-13T19:34:18Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Homer (looking over DVDs at Rainier Wolfcastle’s garage sale): You got anything that’s not gay porn? > Wolfcastle (wearily): Just what you see on the shelf. Homer: Hey! Your early porno movies! Are any of these hetero? Rainier Wolfcastle: What’s there is there. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/246 "2013-02-13T20:06:34Z")
At a marriage retreat: **Flanders:** Sometimes Maude, God love her … well, she underlines passages in _my_ Bible instead of _hers_! **Homer:** [_Sotto voce_] Humph! Good thing you don’t keep guns in the house! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/247 "2013-02-13T20:07:09Z")
> [@mbetter](#): > > Homer: Hey! Your early porno movies! Are any of these hetero? > Rainier Wolfcastle: What’s there is there. Thanks. Guess I misremembered it. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2013, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/248 "2013-02-13T20:11:35Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > FBI man 1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let’s just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi. > Homer: Check! … A similar sequence that I love just as much… Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked. Homer: [laughs] And how. Chief Wiggum: Gee, I’d hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. [holds out his hand] Homer: [monotone] I understand. Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I… I think he wants… Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy’s talking to a policeman. Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I’m looking for my friend Bill. [glances down at the cash box] Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here? Homer: No. [points to Bart] Homer: He’s Bart. Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? Homer: Okay. Chief Wiggum: The guy I’m really looking for, wink, [winks] Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. [winks twice] Homer: It’s a ring toss game. Chief Wiggum: All right, that’s it. I’m shutting this game down. ---
**Author:** ![sco3tt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@sco3tt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sco3tt)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/249 "2013-02-14T03:58:49Z")
Chief Wiggum: “No, you’ve got the wrong number. This is 9-1-…2.” ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/250 "2013-02-14T04:50:55Z")
> [@sco3tt](#): > > Chief Wiggum: “No, you’ve got the wrong number. This is 9-1-…2.” Homer sees Bart on TV at the shelter: “Operator! Give me the number for 911!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/251 "2013-02-14T05:43:35Z")
Chief Wiggum (sitting at the police station and seeing the robot baby harp seals move towards the door to their jail cell): “Omigod! I’d better call 911!” (gets busy signal) “Jeez, that is ALWAYS busy! Idiots.” ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/252 "2013-02-14T15:25:26Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked. > Homer: [laughs] And how. > Chief Wiggum: Gee, I’d hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. > [holds out his hand] > Homer: [monotone] I understand. > Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I… I think he wants… > Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy’s talking to a policeman. > Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I’m looking for my friend Bill. > [glances down at the cash box] > Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here? > Homer: No. > [points to Bart] > Homer: He’s Bart. > Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay? > Homer: Okay. > Chief Wiggum: The guy I’m really looking for, wink, > [winks] > Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. > [winks twice] > Homer: It’s a ring toss game. > Chief Wiggum: All right, that’s it. I’m shutting this game down. Later, as the game is being towed away: Carny: Why didn’t you offer him a bribe? Homer: I was trying, but the opportunity never came up! ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2013, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/253 "2013-02-14T21:42:42Z")
Cooder: Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn’t scam nobody! Homer: Put down your stick, we’re here to work. Starting today, we’re Carnies just like you. Cooder: Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you. ---
**Author:** ![mo50](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@mo50](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mo50)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/254 "2013-02-15T13:19:55Z")
Marge : “Apu’s not guilty of anything except violating US law” Homer, praying : “God, if you want me to eat these cookies give me absolutely no sign…thy will be done” (gobbles the cookies) ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/255 "2013-02-15T15:26:00Z")
This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth – Mexico or Portugal! ---
**Author:** ![sco3tt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@sco3tt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sco3tt)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2013, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/256 "2013-02-15T22:28:14Z")
Pray… For… Mojo ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/257 "2013-03-11T05:26:01Z")
“The frogurt is also cursed.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=12)