# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/41 "2012-02-18T03:39:57Z")
Mr Burns: Oh just used any open faced club simpson! A sand wedge! Homer: Mmmmm open faced club sandwhich ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/42 "2012-02-18T03:42:54Z")
Magic Shop Weird owner: Beware this doll comes with a curse Homer: Oh that’s bad! W.O.: But it also comes with a frogurt Homer: That’s good! W.O.: The frogurt is also cursed Homer: That’s bad! W.O: But you get your choice of topping Homer: That’s good! W.O.: The toppings contain potassium benzonate Homer: Blank Stare W.O.: That’s bad ---
**Author:** ![standingwave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@standingwave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/standingwave)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/43 "2012-02-18T03:53:01Z")
Marge: _Homer, you are going to kill us all!_ Homer: _… or die trying._ “Kill the Alligator and Run” (11x19) ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/44 "2012-02-18T03:54:00Z")
“I’ll get you beer baron!” "No you won’t! Cracks me up every single time. Also: “Ach! My retirement grease!” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/45 "2012-02-18T04:01:20Z")
I use this one a lot, especially when the waitress comes by to ask how the food is: “Can’t talk. Eating.” ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/46 "2012-02-18T04:04:33Z")
Homer: “Push her down son.” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/47 "2012-02-18T04:11:22Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > “Can’t talk. Eating.” “…Go Hell.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/48 "2012-02-18T04:12:37Z")
When I was seventeen, I drank some very good beer. It was a very good beer, That I bought with a fake ID. My name was “Brian McGee,” I stayed up listening to Queen, When I was seventeen. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/49 "2012-02-18T04:15:08Z")
Homer is brought aboard Kang and Kodos’ spaceship. He sees them and says, “Well, I guess you want to probe me.” He takes down his pants and bends over. Kang and Kodos recoil in disgust and one of them says, “Stop! We’ve reached the limit of what we can learn from rectal probing.” Waiter at a Japanese restaurant is on the phone. “Hai… Hai…” _turns to Simpsons_ “Hi.” Homer is told he can’t have a gun immediately because there is a five day waiting period. “Five days?! But I’m mad now!” ---
**Author:** ![Soylent\_Juicy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@Soylent\_Juicy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soylent_Juicy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/50 "2012-02-18T04:15:34Z")
## Bart: We can say these swears any time we want because they’re in the Bible. Milhouse: …I don’t think “Leviticus” is a swear. Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore! Homer: Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket. Bart: And? Homer: Let’s just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. " ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/51 "2012-02-18T04:16:23Z")
From one of the Halloween episodes; humanity throws away all its weapons and is invaded by aliens wielding clubs. “Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!” From the one where they visited Australia, the scenes with Homer fooling around at the entrance to the American embassy: Homer: “Hey look! It’s one of those soldier guys who doesn’t do anything no matter what you do!” _\_ \*\ \* Guard: “No, SIR! U.S. Marines, SIR!” Homer, who upon being told that embassy soil is legally American territory starts jumping in and out of the doorway: Homer: “Hey look! I’m in America! Now I’m in Australia! Now I’m in America! Now I’m in Australia! Now I’m in Amer-” _\_ Guard: “We don’t take that kind of crap in America, SIR!” ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/52 "2012-02-18T04:17:15Z")
Homer, finding out about the waiting period for purchasing a gun: “Five days? But I’m mad now!” Me, seeing I was ninja’d by **Mach Tuck** : D’oh! -D/a ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/53 "2012-02-18T04:17:21Z")
``` "We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..." ``` ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/54 "2012-02-18T04:18:46Z")
“Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos!” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/55 "2012-02-18T04:19:45Z")
Homer: “Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’” [phone rings] Burns: “Is it about my cube?” What really makes it, though, is Burns’ increasingly angry facial expressions as Homer reads the messages. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Downtown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mr\_Downtown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Downtown)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/56 "2012-02-18T04:50:46Z")
How Krusty decided to endorse Kamp Krusty: “They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I’m not made of stone!” Homer: “It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/57 "2012-02-18T10:36:37Z")
Two from Abe: “I used to be with it. Then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now, what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what is ‘it’ I find weird and scary.” and: “Marge, you wouldn’t know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat.” ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/58 "2012-02-18T13:25:28Z")
Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes. Lisa: Dad, you can’t judge a place you’ve never been to. Bart: Yeah, that’s what people do in Russia. Homer: Singing is the lowest form of entertainment. Marge: Homer, you sing all the time. Homer: No I don’t, I hate to rhyme. I hate every ape I see From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee ---
**Author:** ![whitetho](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whitetho/32/1059_2.png) [@whitetho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whitetho)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/59 "2012-02-18T13:43:45Z")
Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn’t I? Homer’s brain: Oh, you don’t want to know what I really think. Now look sad and say “D’oh”. Homer: [sadly] D’oh… ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/60 "2012-02-18T13:45:31Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > “There are three ways of doing things: The right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!” > “Isn’t that the wrong way?” > “Yeah, but faster!” Nobody snuggles with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gees. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=4)