# Greatest Simpsons Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2012, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195 "2012-02-17T22:58:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/61 "2012-02-18T13:50:32Z")
Abe Simpson: “Your dad used to be smart as a monkey, but then his mind started gettin’ lazy, and now he’s dumb as a chimp” I’ve been trying to get back to the monkey state the past week. No success so far. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/62 "2012-02-18T14:02:36Z")
_Legs_: Johnny Tightlips, where’d they hit ya? _Johnny Tightlips_: I ain’t sayin’ nothin’. _Legs_: But what’ll I tell the doctor? _Johnny Tightlips_: Tell him to suck a lemon. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that…building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? _Homer_: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! _Marge_: How were you a political prisoner?! _Homer_: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. _Old man_: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. _Homer_: Ooo, that’s bad. _Old man_: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yoghurt! _Homer_: That’s good! _Old man_: The frozen yoghurt is also cursed. _Homer_: That’s bad. _Old man_: But it comes with your choice of toppings! _Homer_: That’s good! _Old man_: The toppings contain potassium benzoate… _Homer_: (confused look) _Old man_: That’s bad. _Homer_: Can I go now? ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/63 "2012-02-18T15:14:06Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Two from Abe: > > “I used to be with it. Then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now, what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what is ‘it’ I find weird and scary.” You left out “It’ll happen to you!”, which makes it for me. My absolute favourite is from Lisa the vegetarian: “(Lisa) “I’m going to become a vegetarian” (Homer) “Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?” “Yes” “Bacon?” “Yes Dad” " Ham?" “Dad all those meats come from the same animal” “Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!”” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/64 "2012-02-18T15:19:32Z")
_Marge_: Homie, maybe we should go inside. _Homer_: But, Marge, that little guy hasn’t done anything yet. Look at him. He’s going to do something and you know it’s going to be good. [Marge pulls him back into the house and shuts the door] [loud ninja yell and thump] _Homer_: Aw… ---
**Author:** ![AndyLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@AndyLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AndyLee)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/65 "2012-02-18T15:40:28Z")
Grandpa had the best line… “I used to be with it. But then they changed what ‘it’ was.’ Now what I am with, is no longer ‘it.’ And what is ‘it,’ seems just weird and scary.” ---
**Author:** ![mcgato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac8455/32.png) [@mcgato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcgato)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/66 "2012-02-18T15:41:09Z")
Marge: C’mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashomon. Homer: That’s not how I remember it. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/67 "2012-02-18T15:41:19Z")
“I for one welcome our new insect overlords…” (Kent Brockman) “I’ve had enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady.” (Homer to Lisa) (After Mr. Burns asks him if he found the bathroom) “Uh, yeah…” (Homer) And my favorite: “Oh Lord, bless this rocket house and all who dwell within this rocket house.” (Homer) ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/68 "2012-02-18T15:44:25Z")
I’ve got powers… Political powers! ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/69 "2012-02-18T15:48:08Z")
Oh, I forgot: Chief Wiggum: “You know you’re not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/70 "2012-02-18T15:58:19Z")
_Chief Wiggum_: Well, I hope you’re happy, Simpson. Those prisoners were _one day_ away from being completely rehabilitated. _Wiggum_: Okay, I assume you all know why you’re here. [ducks as chair thrown at him] That’s right, you’re all angry, sick people. But, over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society, then broken down again, then lunch, then, if there’s time, rebuilt once more. _Wiggum_: And as if that wasn’t enough, we have a special guest – why, it’s Curtis E. Bear, the courtesy bear. For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb. So, if you’ll all just grab one of these two-by-fours… _Eddie_: Um, Chief? Can I at least shield my crotch? _Wiggum_: Bears can’t talk, Eddie. _Announcer_: Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless." _Wiggum_ (checking): Well I’ll be damned. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Antibob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Great\_Antibob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Antibob)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/71 "2012-02-18T17:04:02Z")
From “Homer at the Bat” Hyponotist: You will give 110 percent. Team (hypnotized and in unison): That’s impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition, that is the most anyone can give. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelQReilly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@MichaelQReilly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelQReilly)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/72 "2012-02-18T17:24:03Z")
In on episode Marge and the kids have moved out: Homer “there’s no one there to hear my various witty remarks.” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/73 "2012-02-18T17:27:39Z")
_Apu_: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. _Homer_: You’re… selling what, now? _Apu_: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. _Homer_: You can’t sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [Slams the door] _Apu_: He’s got me there. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/74 "2012-02-18T18:39:24Z")
> [@AndyLee](#): > > Grandpa had the best line… > > “I used to be with it. But then they changed what ‘it’ was.’ Now what I am with, is no longer ‘it.’ And what is ‘it,’ seems just weird and scary.” Ninja’d in Post #57. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/75 "2012-02-18T18:45:50Z")
Mentioning Simpsons quotes without a paddlin’? You better believe that’s a paddlin’. This has purple stuff inside it. Purple is a fruit. ---
**Author:** ![mcgato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac8455/32.png) [@mcgato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcgato)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/76 "2012-02-18T19:17:50Z")
Bob: You wanted to be Krusty’s sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college. Cecil: I’ll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. ---
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/77 "2012-02-18T20:49:02Z")
One you hear a lot at McGill: Marge: Oh Lisa, you can always go to McGill! It’s the Harvard of Canada! Lisa: Anything that is the something of something, isn’t really the anything of anything. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/78 "2012-02-18T21:39:44Z")
Skinner: Mmmm, Brown. Heckuva school. Weren’t you at Brown, Otto? Otto: Yup. Almost got tenure, too. ---
**Author:** ![Reebevoli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@Reebevoli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reebevoli)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/79 "2012-02-18T23:51:17Z")
Titanya: “But Duff Man, you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk!” Duff Man: “Duff Man… says a lot of things! Oh, yeah!” ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2012, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195/80 "2012-02-19T00:15:23Z")
“The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?” “Yes.” “May I see it?” “…No.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/greatest-simpsons-quotes/613195.md?page=5)